What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me as if your husband is switching blame from himself unto you.

That it is YOUR fault and yours alone that you cannot properly cope w/all the fallout over HIS indiscretion.
That you should just snap out of it by simply being "happy!!"

Easy peasy.

He either doesn't realize your depth of hurt or is in complete denial over it.

Either way, it seems he just wants to simply move on & away from his complete betrayal.

Ha!!
Unfortunately, life does not operate in such a manner.
There are usually consequences to be faced when making bad decisions in life.
It's called being held accountable.

Sounds like your husband wants a free pass.
Sorry, but it's not that simple Buddy.

I think you both should go to a licensed marriage therapist + learn some new communication skills.

However counseling cannot change a bad personality like your husbands so you may have to re-consider if living this way is worth it in the long run.

So sorry OP.
What you need now from him is support, not condescension.

[Anonymous]

Some people are actually taking this faker seriously even after the teen-son-as-accomplice claim??? Come on now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I don't understand what you want from him! Do you want him to stay home, or call you while he's out? You need to be more specific.

She doesn't want either.

She is sharing her feelings... He doesn't need to do anything, maybe hug her.

It's no different than... My mom has cancer, I am sad today. He can't fix, he doesn't need to do anything, but she should be able to share how she feels.

I simple... I'm sorry you are sad today.

This is OP - this is exactly what I'd like. I don't care that he gets coffee. I want him to care that it triggers anxiety once in a while. I want him to reassure me that the affair is over and that I'm important to him. That's all. I've told him that, the exact words. He can't say them without condemning me in some backhanded way. He'll open with (paraphrasing) since you're so (defective or insert other criticism) I'll try again to tell you I was wrong for having an affair. But what I really want to hear is that he cares about how hurt I am. I tell him exactly that, but it gets turned around all the time. I don't understand what is going on. It seems to me like I'm clear.

You are being clear. He is being clear also, but you don't want to hear the message he is giving you. You told him what you need. It's not that he doesn't understand what you want him to do; it is that he doesn't want to do it. You have a choice: stay in a relationship with a person who is unable to meet your needs or leave. There may be reasons to stay: want to use time married to develop work history, want to allow his retirement to grow so there is more to split (and splitting the value of his and your retirement accrued during the marriage is what is appropriate legally), etc.

You didn't make him cheat and you can't make him remorseful.

He doesn't want to take responsibility for the demise of your marriage. You didn't dump him when you found out about the affair, so he is just going to treat you like crap until you leave of your own accord. When you finally do so, he will tell himself it is because you are an unhappy person who made him have an affair and then you couldn't get over it. Of course, that's crap. Din't waste your precious time in life trying to get him to see reason. What you wanted with him - an intact, loving, marital partnership - is not on the menu. Think about what is within your control in life and pursue that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are actually taking this faker seriously even after the teen-son-as-accomplice claim??? Come on now.

Let me start with the son and thst situation. The husband is probably an effing narcissist. There is zero lack of compassion in his answers. Plus there seems to be zero conscience that he used the son in his scheme. Who puts their kid in a position like that? Someone who just thinks about himself, that's who.

A narcissist is good at manipulating people. And it is not a coincidence that they target children many times. You have no idea what he was saying to the son or whatever else to manipulate the son to think that talking with this AP or even interacting behind the wife's back was appropriate. It doesn't happen in a day or a week or a month, Narcissists will look for victims and many times they're very good at convincing people their side of the story.

It's very easy for someone who is narcissistic to manipulate other people into their web of lies. They don't care who gets hurt.

Bottom line: This guy is poison.

[Anonymous]

Is there a chance the jerk-off husband would get custody and OP would have to pay child support?

Involving the son in the affair was a very shitty thing to do to the son and to the OP. That would weigh against custody for the dad but if the son is siding with the father, the son's preferences could be a factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A teenager is not responsible for figuring out that his father is a bat shit crazy and tell his mom. Those that say shame on the teen are clueless.

Bingo!

Something has been wrong in this family for a long time, and I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm willing to bet it's not all the husband's fault.
A teenage boy wouldn't just go along with this for no reason at all.

I'm sorry OP is hurting, but she needs to stop the whoa to me navel gazing and playing the victim. She's got bigger issues than an affair, and possible divorce to work on.

And I'm willing to bet it (mostly) is. What is wrong with the family is that the H is an emotionally abusive bully. He is totally gaslighting her on this. And teaching his son how a "real man" treats women. My ex-SIL is in the same situation. I dumped the asshole (her brother) and she stays with hers for faith and not wanting to split up the family reasons and worries about the messages her teenage son receives. Everybody in the family cringes because the son now talks to her just like the dad. She's the only person in my ex's family I stay in touch with because heaven knows her family would never help her. Divorce is ungodly to them. (Yes, I am super popular with them for dumping my ex and I just don't care.)

[Anonymous]

Please go to surviving infidelity.com. Your husband does not sound remorseful.