What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Jesus Christ, that is seriously fucked up! When's the last time you checked the phone bill? Why are you with him?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's ok to say "no more early morning coffee trips alone". Draw that boundary, and if he doesn't like it, tell him to go be with the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Jesus Christ, that is seriously fucked up! When's the last time you checked the phone bill? Why are you with him?

Jesus H. Christ is right! And shame on your son for enabling the deceit! Dump that SOB, who treats you like utter crap!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Omg, OP!

I hope you've spoken to a lawyer. Your husband is merely sticking it out until your kid turns 18 for financial reasons.

Here's what I would do:

1. Speak with a lawyer this week. Do not tell your husband or son (neither can be trusted).

2. Get your ducks in a row.

3. If you aren't already working FT with a salary that can support you, then get your resume in order.

Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry. If it were me, I would be equally furious with my husband and teenager.

[Anonymous]

OP-didn't your son ever talk about their trips?
Innocent comments: "Skiing was fun, I made $20 babysitting for Dad's friend's kids"
If he is a teen, he had to realize something was off too. Was he told not to say anything?
Shame on your husband for bringing a child directly into this.
This situation is even more complicated than in the original post.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm also a Christian, and generally support pastoral counsel. But your dh has no remorse, merely sorry he got caught. You need at least a consult with a lawyer to find out your options. Start reviewing the finances. Stash some cash if you can. You can't force a one-sided reconciliation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I don't understand what you want from him! Do you want him to stay home, or call you while he's out? You need to be more specific.

She doesn't want either.

She is sharing her feelings... He doesn't need to do anything, maybe hug her.

It's no different than... My mom has cancer, I am sad today. He can't fix, he doesn't need to do anything, but she should be able to share how she feels.

I simple... I'm sorry you are sad today.

This is OP - this is exactly what I'd like. I don't care that he gets coffee. I want him to care that it triggers anxiety once in a while. I want him to reassure me that the affair is over and that I'm important to him. That's all. I've told him that, the exact words. He can't say them without condemning me in some backhanded way. He'll open with (paraphrasing) since you're so (defective or insert other criticism) I'll try again to tell you I was wrong for having an affair. But what I really want to hear is that he cares about how hurt I am. I tell him exactly that, but it gets turned around all the time. I don't understand what is going on. It seems to me like I'm clear.

[Anonymous]

You guys need to move on from one another. This does not sound like a situation that can be fixed.

[Anonymous]

A teenager is not responsible for figuring out that his father is a bat shit crazy and tell his mom. Those that say shame on the teen are clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Omg, OP!

I hope you've spoken to a lawyer. Your husband is merely sticking it out until your kid turns 18 for financial reasons.

Here's what I would do:

1. Speak with a lawyer this week. Do not tell your husband or son (neither can be trusted).

2. Get your ducks in a row.

3. If you aren't already working FT with a salary that can support you, then get your resume in order.

Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry. If it were me, I would be equally furious with my husband and teenager.

This is OP. Yes it was crappy. I work full time. Splitting everything would be fine, divorce is not the worst thing that could happen. It's not what I want. But I recognize the possibility. I hate throwing away our history as a family. I'll never have that again , and I value that.

[Anonymous]

He looped your son in, still won't apologize and may be actively involved and 18 months of counseling hasn't solved anything.

Honey... It's time to go.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out what you are getting out of this relationship; why are are staying. It doesn't seem to make sense that you are staying so you should examine why you are staying-- I'm talking about on an emotional level.

[Anonymous]

This is OP - this is exactly what I'd like. I don't care that he gets coffee. I want him to care that it triggers anxiety once in a while. I want him to reassure me that the affair is over and that I'm important to him. That's all. I've told him that, the exact words. He can't say them without condemning me in some backhanded way. He'll open with (paraphrasing) since you're so (defective or insert other criticism) I'll try again to tell you I was wrong for having an affair. But what I really want to hear is that he cares about how hurt I am. I tell him exactly that, but it gets turned around all the time. I don't understand what is going on. It seems to me like I'm clear

You are clear, but he's not interested in doing what you want. I think you need to figure out why: (1) you are staying with this man, and (2) why you keep repeating the same behavior expecting a different outcome when it is clear that is not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

The man is worthless. OP please move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Omg, OP!

I hope you've spoken to a lawyer. Your husband is merely sticking it out until your kid turns 18 for financial reasons.

Here's what I would do:

1. Speak with a lawyer this week. Do not tell your husband or son (neither can be trusted).

2. Get your ducks in a row.

3. If you aren't already working FT with a salary that can support you, then get your resume in order.

Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry. If it were me, I would be equally furious with my husband and teenager.

This is OP. Yes it was crappy. I work full time. Splitting everything would be fine, divorce is not the worst thing that could happen. It's not what I want. But I recognize the possibility. I hate throwing away our history as a family. I'll never have that again , and I value that.

You will always have that history. You need individual non-pastoral therapy. Him dragging your son into this is unforgivable. Your son is going to do this same crap 30 years from now - you have given him the ok by staying.

Your DH is absolutely going to divorce you when it costs him less. Wow.