What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

[Anonymous]

How long ago was this affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't want him to go but you also don't want to admit it.

This tends to be a problem with pastoral counseling for affairs when it's the husband who had an affair. There is still a deep sexist streak in faith-based counseling that puts a large burden on the wife to be accepting and accommodating of her husband's failures, and to nurture him through the process without asking anything of him. Because ultimately it was her failures that led to the divorce, you know.

[Anonymous]

He's an ass. Period.

I'm confused as to why you want compassion and sympathy? If I were in your shoes, I think I'd want him to own it, take full responsibility for cheating, feel genuinely sorry for what he did, promise to never do it again, promise to avoid doing anything that prompts red flags...and perhaps most importantly, NOT intimate that this is somehow my fault for being an unhappy person.

He's minimizing his horrific actions by criticizing your valid response. That tells me he doesn't really care about you.

Pastoral counseling won't work. I'm guessing he went that route to avoid having to pay a real therapist. A pastor will likely blame the wife for the cheater's actions...and your asshat husband probably knows that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long ago was this affair?

18 months ago. It was a two year affair with a work colleague. Work colleague is divorced with two elementary school kids, works in a different office. We have one teen son.

[Anonymous]

He is being an ass and needs to grow up. He knows he messed up but to arrogant to admit it. You show remorse through your CONSISTENT actions. He knows what he has to do. If the situation was reversed how would he feel if you did the exact same things he is doing? I just dumped my boyfriend over his lack of acknowledgement of doing wrong and not man enough to follow through and improve himself. I lost respecy for him. I CHOSE not to deal with him and dumped him. Op I'm sorry but I doubt his truly remorseful. He has to decide if you are worth him improving on the marriage, I doubt a marriage counselor can convince him. Time to explore the divorce option.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you catch him in the affair or did he come clean on his own? He's acting more like someone who's angry his favorite toy was taken away than someone who regrets their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Who still reads the paper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you catch him in the affair or did he come clean on his own? He's acting more like someone who's angry his favorite toy was taken away than someone who regrets their behavior.

I caught him through the phone bill - I happened to not find the paper copy and looked online at the bill where there was a detail of all the texting. They don't send the text detail in the paper bill. That triggered my investigation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long ago was this affair?

18 months ago. It was a two year affair with a work colleague. Work colleague is divorced with two elementary school kids, works in a different office. We have one teen son.

Why are you still in counseling after 18 months? That's not an anti-counseling sentiment (I very much support counseling), but I'm wondering what's not been accomplished in 18 months that you're still looking to achieve, and what gives you the expectation that it will happen even though it's not yet happened in all this time?

[Anonymous]

I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

[Anonymous]

Are you assure his affair is over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

Still cheating... Maybe.
Pissed he was caught... Definitely.
Want to raise somebody else's kids... Definitely not, men have affairs with someone they is convenient... Not "soul mates".. He is NOT leaving for the OW, but he might still bang her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet he's still cheating. He probably had a plan all along: quietly cheat until your son heads off to college, and then blindside you with a divorce so he can shack up with his soulmate, the young divorcee. He's probably pissed that you caught him. Does your son know? Any chance your husband convinced you to not tell the son? I bet he still plans to bail once your kid goes to college. If kiddo is 18 when he bails, no child support! It's in his best financial interest to stick it out until the kid turns 18. Then, you sell the house and split the proceeds. No child support. Split college tuition 50-50. He'll suggest that he keeps his retirement and you keep yours. He will move in with his girlfriend, and his finances will be fine.

This is what I would worry about.

I can see this. The sick thing is H. took son to do things with H. and AP., like they went skiing, had movie nights, pizza nights, son watched her kids so they could go out. I thought husband and son were doing these things together just the two of them. I had no idea AP and her kids were involved. Son had AP's phone number in his phone and when the shit hit the fan, son starting texting my husband's AP. I felt really betrayed on every front. Son was asked not to text husbands AP after that week, and it hasn't happened again.

Your H is crazy.. He needs serious individual counseling!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you assure his affair is over?

It's part of the post affair anxiety. It's uncertainty that I've had to learn to live with. I'm not going to be a policeman. I figure if he's still doing it, eventually it will come out, so I try not to worry. What will happen will happen. I have no control over that, I can't prevent it, and I don't let that be my focus. I would like to experience my relationship as a secure, safe, loving place, so I try to ask for things and provide things, and give in return, which are aimed at that goal.