If you are married or in a long-term partnership and you die

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that. Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.

+1 Several weeks after my mom's sudden death, my dad said that we (me, my siblings, and dad) would spend the first Christmas without Mom away on a trip together. 9 months later, it was the first Christmas without her, and our dad decided to spend Christmas on a trip with his girlfriend (his current wife). That Christmas, I remember sitting in my bedroom and thinking seriously about killing myself. My brothers got wasted downstairs and passed out in front of the boxes that contained the Christmas tree we never set up.

But dad was super happy in his new love! All of his friends and many of our family members told me that I need to keep in mind that Dad was "really suffering" and to think about how he was feeling, and that I should want him to be happy. He adores his new wife and her grandkids, and he never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Exactly 13:42

We were blindsided by our father's behavior and there was no reasoning with him.

Three of the women he proposed to right after mom died told him no. One was my mom's childhood friend. He proposed two weeks after mom died and the friend never spoke to him again. One was a widow herself, and she told him she would be happy to build a friendship with him but that he needed to take his time to grieve. I wish he would have taken her advice. The other who said no was a career woman and she said she would date him but it was too soon to get married. The one who said yes (fourth he proposed to in as many months)

This one is the one who quickly and systematically cut off all the daughters but one. Everyone who suggested he wait or take some more time got cut off completely, and the others get VERY limited access to him.

When we heard she said yes, we hadn't even gone through our mom's personal effects. We asked him to wait and he told us he had already bought her plane ticket and we had just a few days to get whatever of mom's clothing and stuff we wanted out of her house before new wife arrived to move in. We were told to empty the closets and dressers so she had a place for her stuff. This was a couple months after mom died. Some of us lived out of town and had not been in the house since the funeral. We asked him to wait two weeks so we coukd all get off work and fly back to go through her stuff together, and were told no because second wife really wanted to come out as soon as possible to start their new life. It went downhill from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I am DEAD?

When I am dead I won't give two fucks about it.

Well I insist she at least wait until after the funeral.
Maybe the next day she can start dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years but preferably never TBH

+1

Wow, really? If your spouse dies, you'll never see anybody else?

I myself would probably never marry or live with someone again. I would probably date.

No, nobody would compare. I know lots of people who never dated again.

[Anonymous]

ASAP. My DH definitely needs a helpful partner and parent around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, I don't think it's up to me. And how can I be ok with it or not since I'm dead?

Are you not married/don't have kids? This is one of the things I've discussed with my spouse. It's important once you have kids.

I'm married and have 2 little kids (and am a stepmother). I guess I'm just a realist--that is something that is completely beyond my control. But ok, I'll play: I love my husband and want him to be happy. I also trust his judgment. So I'm ok with him dating/marrying again at whatever point he feels he and the kids are ready.

I think you have a very different bias from first wives, then. Most of us don't trust that another person would be able to put someone else's kids first. You say you have 2 little kids -- are those your step kids? Do you have bio kids with your now husband?

My 2 little kids are my bio kids and I also have 2 teen stepkids.

[Anonymous]

I would hope my wife would find companionship and love ASAP if I was dead. Sex and love are essential for the human soul. I am shocked how many people want their widows to live a life of lonliness.

You don't really love your spouse if you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hope my wife would find companionship and love ASAP if I was dead. Sex and love are essential for the human soul. I am shocked how many people want their widows to live a life of lonliness.

You don't really love your spouse if you feel that way.

I agree, but I think PPs are concerned about the new step-parent and his or her impact on the kids. Which is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly 13:42

We were blindsided by our father's behavior and there was no reasoning with him.

Three of the women he proposed to right after mom died told him no. One was my mom's childhood friend. He proposed two weeks after mom died and the friend never spoke to him again. One was a widow herself, and she told him she would be happy to build a friendship with him but that he needed to take his time to grieve. I wish he would have taken her advice. The other who said no was a career woman and she said she would date him but it was too soon to get married. The one who said yes (fourth he proposed to in as many months)

This one is the one who quickly and systematically cut off all the daughters but one. Everyone who suggested he wait or take some more time got cut off completely, and the others get VERY limited access to him.

When we heard she said yes, we hadn't even gone through our mom's personal effects. We asked him to wait and he told us he had already bought her plane ticket and we had just a few days to get whatever of mom's clothing and stuff we wanted out of her house before new wife arrived to move in. We were told to empty the closets and dressers so she had a place for her stuff. This was a couple months after mom died. Some of us lived out of town and had not been in the house since the funeral. We asked him to wait two weeks so we coukd all get off work and fly back to go through her stuff together, and were told no because second wife really wanted to come out as soon as possible to start their new life. It went downhill from there.

I remember pleading with my dad to please just wait a year because I missed Mom so much and couldn't bear seeing his girlfriends, and could he just not talk about dating if he had to do it? Just for the year... I was taking a Psychology class at the time and my teacher had made a great impression me when she talked about communication methods, etc. I remember calmly saying all of my feelings about Mom and just needing the one year, or to not have to meet/see his dates for a few months at least, and I concluded with "This is just how I feel, Dad. I wish I could change my feelings, but this is just how I feel. I'm not doing so good right now..." Dad replied, "Well, your feelings are wrong."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when would it be ok for your spouse to start dating again? If there are kids, let's assume that whoever the spouse dates would be good to them if it comes to that (not some evil stepmother stereotype).

I'm basically asking what you think is an appropriate time to mourn your death before moving on.

I think a year is appropriate and decent, but that depends. If it was a long decline and said spouse was 'out of it' maybe sooner.
Also, I mean - dead is dead. There's nothing else you can do about that and life is for the living. I think I'd mourn my husband for a long time but I'd respect
someone doing things differently too.
However, I would wait years to introduce anyone to the kids as they don't need the drama. You don't really know what will crop up until you are in the thick of things, trust me.
Have your fun dates and companionship but leave the kids out of it - for at least a year and preferably longer.

+1, more or less. I would actually really want DH to remarry eventually, though perhaps wait a year before dating to try to get his head on straight. I love him to pieces but he lacks a certain amount of common sense necessary to solo-parent, and like everyone else, he really needs companionship. He's a bit socially awkward and prone to depression; without a partner, he'll just be so solitary. I'd want someone to love him as much as I do, or better. And to help him with hard task of raising 2 little girls.

weirdly, I think if he died, I probably would just wait until the girls were out of the house. I fly solo pretty well (based on limited experience and extrapolation), but it's hectic and all-consuming, and I can't really imagine trying to fit a romantic life into the life of me-as-single-mom.

You seem like a really sweet, thoughtful person, and your husband is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hope my wife would find companionship and love ASAP if I was dead. Sex and love are essential for the human soul. I am shocked how many people want their widows to live a life of lonliness.

You don't really love your spouse if you feel that way.

Not one person here has said that a widowed spouse does not deserve companionship.

But rushing into a marriage simply to be married and dumping or cutting off your children is wrong. So is rushingninto a marriage in the first few montys after your spouse dying, especially if it cuts off you children's chance to grieve normally.

I am one of the posters with a father who quickly picked a mean, selfish and vindictive woman immediately after our mom's death.

I am also the poster who suggested waiting until the grave stone can be placed. That one year window is based on practicality (the ground needs to settle for one year) but it also serves a logical emotional milestone. The gravestone being placed gives some closure to tye immediate loss and grief. It also is a long enough window to get the children through the improtant events of the first year, like Christmas, mother's day and birthdays.

The first thing about our mother dying unexpectedly was that because of our father rushing into a new marriage and new life just months after she died, we ended up losing both of our parents and our entire family identity and structure, not hecause of the death but because of who our father chose to put the nails on the coffin. One parent died. The other parent chose to detroy what was oeft of our family, and picked a woman who was a gleeful accomplice. Grieving that decision by him was harder than grieving the loss of our wonderful mother.

And this is not uncommon. Speak to people who have lost their moms to death. This happens over and over by husbands and fathers.

[Anonymous]

Personally if my husband died I would start dating right away. But not looking for a new husband. Just to have fun and adult companionship. I wouldn't want my kids to be impacted so I'd try to do it without affecting them as much as possible. After reading some of these posts from those whose parents rushed into new relationships right away I wouldn't want my kids to be hurt or confused. However I think my kids know that DH and are a bad fit and not really happy. They would probably be happy if I met someone nice. Especially a man who was good to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally if my husband died I would start dating right away. But not looking for a new husband. Just to have fun and adult companionship. I wouldn't want my kids to be impacted so I'd try to do it without affecting them as much as possible. After reading some of these posts from those whose parents rushed into new relationships right away I wouldn't want my kids to be hurt or confused. However I think my kids know that DH and are a bad fit and not really happy. They would probably be happy if I met someone nice. Especially a man who was good to them.

How pragmatic!

[Anonymous]

I would want my spouse to be happy, whatever that means.

However, I am an actual widow. Been two years and not ready to date. At all.

[Anonymous]

anytime. What would I care?