If you are married or in a long-term partnership and you die

[Anonymous]

Doesn't matter. No one's business. Who cares ? Life is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I am DEAD?

When I am dead I won't give two fucks about it.

This is OP. Work with me here, LOL. I am asking the current, living you to imagine a (hopefully) hypothetical situation and what you prefer to happen.

Really surprised by the people who say never. Really? Why?

[Anonymous]

My BF H just died but he lived in a nursing home for 6 years before he died and he did not recognize her for 3+ years. She is 50, so I think 6 months for this type of situation. I actually advocated for her dating before he died, but she wanted to remain faithful. I told my H he could start dating as soon as I did not know who he was anymore.

Sudden death, 1 year. (This is also a good rule for divorce. The kids need 1 good solid year not dealing with a new person.)

[Anonymous]

Partly depends on how the spouse dies. I know people who have nursed someone through a long, painful death (e.g., cancer) and don't want to get married again because of the risk it could happen a second time.

[Anonymous]

There is no rush to replace me. He doesn't need to think about sex.

What he needs to do is support our kids through the long grieving process. They don't need to see mommy replaced so fast. They don't need to share dad, they need dad 100%. Kids don't need a step parent who wants dad's time and money. A step parent's priority is not my kid.

[Anonymous]

Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that. Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, I don't think it's up to me. And how can I be ok with it or not since I'm dead?

Are you not married/don't have kids? This is one of the things I've discussed with my spouse. It's important once you have kids.

I'm married and have 2 little kids (and am a stepmother). I guess I'm just a realist--that is something that is completely beyond my control. But ok, I'll play: I love my husband and want him to be happy. I also trust his judgment. So I'm ok with him dating/marrying again at whatever point he feels he and the kids are ready.

I think you have a very different bias from first wives, then. Most of us don't trust that another person would be able to put someone else's kids first. You say you have 2 little kids -- are those your step kids? Do you have bio kids with your now husband?

[Anonymous]

I worked hard to build a huge nest egg for my kids. I don't want DH to remarry and have her take the money that my kids deserve,

[Anonymous]

Yes of course. I want DH to be happy and I want someone to make my DH as happy as I have. I'm sure that he would pick a good partner and stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that. Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.

I would also say widowed dads need to establish legal protection to guarantee any assets that were part of mom's estate, especially family heirlooms, family property, family money, or family farms, and also property owned by the original marriage before the spouse's death, are completely protected to be passed on to her children and will not under any circumstances go to future wives, future children, or especially children/grandchildren that new wives bring to the relationship that are not related to you. This shoukd be established before you start dating. If you are not ready to do this then you are not ready to start dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that. Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.

I would also say widowed dads need to establish legal protection to guarantee any assets that were part of mom's estate, especially family heirlooms, family property, family money, or family farms, and also property owned by the original marriage before the spouse's death, are completely protected to be passed on to her children and will not under any circumstances go to future wives, future children, or especially children/grandchildren that new wives bring to the relationship that are not related to you. This shoukd be established before you start dating. If you are not ready to do this then you are not ready to start dating.

I'm a current first wife and I don't feel this way. If I died and left a lot of money, my husband remarries and has more children, I would expect him to treat all of his children the same. I know if he dies, I remarry and have more kids, I would be trying to treat all of my children equally. If you want what you said, you should go ahead and take care of it with your will while you are alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when would it be ok for your spouse to start dating again? If there are kids, let's assume that whoever the spouse dates would be good to them if it comes to that (not some evil stepmother stereotype).

I'm basically asking what you think is an appropriate time to mourn your death before moving on.

I think a year is appropriate and decent, but that depends. If it was a long decline and said spouse was 'out of it' maybe sooner.
Also, I mean - dead is dead. There's nothing else you can do about that and life is for the living. I think I'd mourn my husband for a long time but I'd respect
someone doing things differently too.
However, I would wait years to introduce anyone to the kids as they don't need the drama. You don't really know what will crop up until you are in the thick of things, trust me.
Have your fun dates and companionship but leave the kids out of it - for at least a year and preferably longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that. Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.

I would also say widowed dads need to establish legal protection to guarantee any assets that were part of mom's estate, especially family heirlooms, family property, family money, or family farms, and also property owned by the original marriage before the spouse's death, are completely protected to be passed on to her children and will not under any circumstances go to future wives, future children, or especially children/grandchildren that new wives bring to the relationship that are not related to you. This shoukd be established before you start dating. If you are not ready to do this then you are not ready to start dating.

I'm a current first wife and I don't feel this way. If I died and left a lot of money, my husband remarries and has more children, I would expect him to treat all of his children the same. I know if he dies, I remarry and have more kids, I would be trying to treat all of my children equally. If you want what you said, you should go ahead and take care of it with your will while you are alive.

But your NEW kids would have a dad that can support they financially. Your first set of kids would not.
So, what if you shared your money and your NEW husband outlived you and left they money to the NEW kids only, his kids.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't really matter. What matters is motivation. To fill a void or fill a life. Don't do it for the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that. Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.

I would also say widowed dads need to establish legal protection to guarantee any assets that were part of mom's estate, especially family heirlooms, family property, family money, or family farms, and also property owned by the original marriage before the spouse's death, are completely protected to be passed on to her children and will not under any circumstances go to future wives, future children, or especially children/grandchildren that new wives bring to the relationship that are not related to you. This shoukd be established before you start dating. If you are not ready to do this then you are not ready to start dating.

I'm a current first wife and I don't feel this way. If I died and left a lot of money, my husband remarries and has more children, I would expect him to treat all of his children the same. I know if he dies, I remarry and have more kids, I would be trying to treat all of my children equally. If you want what you said, you should go ahead and take care of it with your will while you are alive.

But your NEW kids would have a dad that can support they financially. Your first set of kids would not.
So, what if you shared your money and your NEW husband outlived you and left they money to the NEW kids only, his kids.

Maybe they have a dad who can support them, maybe not. I'm not worried about him cutting out our kids. I guess I feel the same way as some pp's upstream in that I trust him to make good decisions about it. Also, i know that people feel it's rare to have a good stepparent, but I don't feel that way. I've seen a lot of step situations where no one was perfect, but it was clear that everyone was trying their best and it worked out well enough. I think it's rare that a parent would cut his first kids out entirely in favor of new kids. I'm sure it happens - people will chime in - but I don't think that's the norm.