If you are married or in a long-term partnership and you die

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your niece, pp, and I'm glad she has your family to fall back on. My mom died when I was young, and I couldn't imagine having that pain compounded by being abandoned by my dad as well.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but there's a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman that's sort of the classic on the topic. It might be worth a read to give you an idea of what your niece is feeling. It was a very cathartic experience for me to read it (man, did I cry!!), and if/when she's ready, she might find it helpful. Hugs to her from one Internet stranger anyway.

[Anonymous]

Close friend lost spouse at age 36. Two kids - 2 and 5. Met a great person at 18 months post spouse death, engaged 6 months later and married 3 months after that. Seems great so far. New spouse didn't have any kids and they don't plan to have any more.

[Anonymous]

Whenever he is ready. Given that we have 3 little kids, I doubt he would be able to find time to date right away, given how much work and adjusting would be necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse died while I was pregnant and with a two year old. Mpeople here really think I should not remarry?

Nobody said that. I said *I* wouldn't.
Why not focus on the kids? They are so young. Can't imagine your in laws want to see their son replaced.

People DID say that. Specifically that "tbh" they would never want their spouse to date again.

Also, PP didn't say she jumped right back into dating. And if her in laws aren't total assholes, they will want her to be happy and have help with the kids. It is not replacing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be absolutely honest and frank - never.

My sisters and I have also made it clear to my parents that they are not to re-marry should one pass away because we will not stand for a new person coming in and doing anything to our amazing relationships with our parents. Both parents have their own monies, together they are absurdly wealthy, but both worked hard to achieve this, and there's no way someone new will have access to what they worked so hard to build. Not the money, not the properties, not the jewelry or beloved family heirlooms, none of it.

You are controlling, crazy, and bad children. Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

So I didn't get through all pages, but wanted to add that I know young adult children who lost a parent (more typically the mother) and even if 1-3 years passes after death before remaining spouse, I.e husband,dates those children get de-prioritized. It can be really hard for the family. Things like not seeing remaining parent, remaining parent starting new life with gf/bf, more priority given to gf/bf for holidays, events, the new gf/bf's grandchildren etc. I had a friend whose father only displayed pictures of the new wife's children ( not his bio child, her child from previous marriage) and none of his bio children. This can be tough for children because not only did they physically lose a parent due to death they effectively lost a parent due to the relationship. This does not always happen and it is not always the new gf/Bf's doing. Not to get reamed for stereotyping but it seems more prevalent with men moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be absolutely honest and frank - never.

My sisters and I have also made it clear to my parents that they are not to re-marry should one pass away because we will not stand for a new person coming in and doing anything to our amazing relationships with our parents. Both parents have their own monies, together they are absurdly wealthy, but both worked hard to achieve this, and there's no way someone new will have access to what they worked so hard to build. Not the money, not the properties, not the jewelry or beloved family heirlooms, none of it.

m

You sound like a real peach. This would actually make me want to find a new partner even more. Who the hell do you think you are??

There is no hard and fast timeline. I know people who were widowed and never remarried, into old age. I also know people (an ex's father) who had an amazing and loving marriage for 25+ years and then the wife died of cancer. They were so good together, I expected the guy to be devastated and unable to move on. Less than three years later, he's remarried. It's very weird but he and the new wife seem very happy (she's the mother of a friend and her husband went to prison for a very long time and will probably die there). Maybe two grieving people found each other, who knows. But I don't think you can ever make a rule against it, or set a firm timeline. Life is funny like that.

[Anonymous]

my boss was remarried less than 30-days after his wife died of cancer.

[Anonymous]

Whenever you're ready.

I think people who have spouses/partners with long-term illnesses are often ready a lot sooner than those who lose their spouse unexpectedly. When you go through caring for someone with a long-term illness, you usually come to terms with the inevitable and prepare yourself before death occurs. Often, death can be a relief once you've been knowing it's coming for so long.

I would hope my spouse found someone who made him happy. As long as she's good to my kids, I'd be happy with him remarrying as soon as he wanted.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, 5-6 months? Not long.

[Anonymous]

My BIL had someone new 3 months later. And it seemed like he and SIL had a good relationship. Like, he seemed genuinely sad etc. when she died. It was really weird for my husband's family to see this.

[Anonymous]

Whenever it feels like the right time. I have two young children and a husband who loves them more than anything, I know he would make the right choice in a partner so whatever helps expedite the healing process and they are all comfortable with is fine. Some arbitrary time line seems pointless.

[Anonymous]

It can be any time the survivor is ready. The mourning, however you define that, may last years and continue into the new relationship. That's OK, because this "ideal" new partner is OK with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever it feels like the right time. I have two young children and a husband who loves them more than anything, I know he would make the right choice in a partner so whatever helps expedite the healing process and they are all comfortable with is fine. Some arbitrary time line seems pointless.

But you have people who have lost their mothers telling you over and over that it does not matter that your husband currently loves your children more than anything.

If he remarries quickly after the death, odds are 50/50 or even 60/40 that he will dump your children the minute a new woman comes into the picture, regardless of what kind of father he is now and what kind of relationship the two of you have.

Ask around of people who have lost their mothers whose fathers were good and loving before the loss.

You will be shocked at how common it is for widowed men to try to completely erase their first families.

It happens more often than not.

I would not have believed this until it happened to my family, but it did. And the more I talked to others I realized it is a very common reaction by men.

Stay healthy. Outlive your husband. Tuat is the best way to ensure your kids will always have a family to love them.

[Anonymous]

If I'm the survivor, not until DD is an adult.

If I die, DH will need serious help, both domestic and emotional. So as soon as he can find someone who will be loving and stable for DD.