Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

These things have nothing to do with her being the mother and certainly aren't worth stereotyping all women over. I bet she's about as interested in your hobby of book reading as you are about her hobby of keeping the house a certain way.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

Troll

[Anonymous]

OP - What are your expectations of raising a family?
What are you expectations of being a father and spouse?
What are you contributing to managing the family and house? Paychecks don't count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

[/b]You have no idea what being a working mother with kids entails. It's not chosing children; it's the fact that children are enormously time and energy consuming. if the DH as they so often do fails to pitch in, then they cease (of their OWN accord) to be your "number one teammate.".

[b]

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

Um, why aren't you with DW at DD's various events? That's what you are supposed to be doing now. I see a lot of husbands and wives together at the kids event, OP. There's just a little bit more time for that before she flies the coop and then there's plenty of time to sit inside listening to your music.

Are you by any chance the littlest bit special, OP?

+1. Go to the events. Make some of the same friends. You can do that and have time to listen to music.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

OK, there is so much confusing here...

-What is "too involved"? Who reviews her homework, makes dinner for the family, keeps tabs on school and extracurrics, attends events? If you are both doing this, and DW *still* wants to pile on more and more involvement, I can see your annoyance. If this is stuff you just wave off, then that's pretty crappy as both a DH and a Dad.
-Why is it 1/3 of your salary? Your assets and income are joint if you are married. This makes no sense. It sound like you are "taking credit" for the house as a way to justify your own bitterness, but perhaps there is some other arrangement going on?
-If she doesn't clean the house, who does? If you don't mow the lawn, who does? It seems very odd to be complaining about someone "caring" about the incredibly mundane but mundane needs of day to day life. Sort of "OMG she wants us to do dishes!! I want a divorce, she's so boring..."
-So if you are like, I booked tickets to XYZ, let's go, she says no? She's the problem! Or is it that you say, I want to see more shows, ummm... expect her to make it happen. You're the problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - What are your expectations of raising a family?
What are you expectations of being a father and spouse?
What are you contributing to managing the family and house? Paychecks don't count.

So I guess the family and live on love alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

No kids, no marriage (?), no valuable perspective here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

If these men don't want to have kids, they shouldn't have them. When you have kids, they should be the first priority- for BOTH parents. Sounds like OP's first priority is himself.

Also, if you are spending 1/8th of your HHI (25% of your salary and she makes the same amt) on your house that is very affordable. You can afford to pay a cleaning service and a lawn service (if you can't stand to take the time away from listening to important pieces of music).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

You don't have kids, you are not qualified to comment on this thread.

I kind of agree with you. You can't possibly understand the unconditional love that parents have for their children unless you have one. You think you do (I thought I did) but you dont.

That said, the poster makes a good point: marriage should be a partnership. Your spouse is supposed to be your #1 teammate/life partner. And OP and his wife aren't a team.

OP, is it really all her fault that you aren't a good team? Does she know your concerns about the way she is doting on your child in a manner you find excessive? That you want the two of you to do things together? Does she know that you are unhappy enough to break up your marriage about it? Not through your actions ("she *has* to know...") but because you sat her down and told her how unhappy you are? I dont know about your wife, but if my husband sat me down and told me he was unhappy enough with our marriage to be considering divorce, I would do everything I could to prevent that from happening... Marriage counseling, doing things together that the other one wants to do, etc.

You need to let your teammate know that you aren't happy with the way the team is performing. Don't just bitch on an anonymous message board and expect things to get better.

[Anonymous]

I am the "unqualified to comment" childless poster. If you don't want my opinion stop reading. But I believe that children are supposed to be the fruit of a true love and life partner. They should not be a substitute, or supersede, the marriage of two people who are madly in love. It's just my personal opinion so feel free to discount it. But what I'm saying is ladies, don't use your husband as a vessel for children. The children should be a living symbol of your love for each other, not a substitute. You can value your children and your spouse equally and make both an equal #1 priority. The love may be different but should not be unequal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

I agree that your wife should take some responsibility for making the marriage work. However, I think you are not accepting responsibility for your own actions in the marriage. You're calling her "uninteresting" and seemingly suggesting things that you are interested in that she doesn't want to spend time doing.

Rather than you always "suggesting we do things" why not ask her what she wants to do? Why not try to have conversations about things she's interested in? She should not have to conform to your standards of what is interesting and what she should talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the "unqualified to comment" childless poster. If you don't want my opinion stop reading. But I believe that children are supposed to be the fruit of a true love and life partner. They should not be a substitute, or supersede, the marriage of two people who are madly in love. It's just my personal opinion so feel free to discount it. But what I'm saying is ladies, don't use your husband as a vessel for children. The children should be a living symbol of your love for each other, not a substitute. You can value your children and your spouse equally and make both an equal #1 priority. The love may be different but should not be unequal.

+1

Also a childless (by choice). You hit the nail on the head. Hubby and I had the children talk long before we got married. I made it clear and upfront that I never wanted kids, and he agreed. If we had wanted kids, I would certainly make time for my husband, and I would expect husband to make time for myself. I feel that people put their kids first too much to the point that they stop having a marriage. If you don't put yourselves first once in awhile, you lose that passion and all the reason you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.