Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the "unqualified to comment" childless poster. If you don't want my opinion stop reading. But I believe that children are supposed to be the fruit of a true love and life partner. They should not be a substitute, or supersede, the marriage of two people who are madly in love. It's just my personal opinion so feel free to discount it. But what I'm saying is ladies, don't use your husband as a vessel for children. The children should be a living symbol of your love for each other, not a substitute. You can value your children and your spouse equally and make both an equal #1 priority. The love may be different but should not be unequal.

Nobody is interested in your opinions because they're based on your impression of what parenting might be like from the outside.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is made for parenthood. It does not get destroyed by motherhood or fatherhood.

What often gets impacted by parenthood is the romantic relationship between two adults when kids are in the mix. These are the same people who think that the culmination of love is marriage. It is not. If you are in love with each other, you can live with each other.

If you are adults who have a solid relationship and good communication and are committed to nurturing the partnership, romance and children, then get married.

[Anonymous]

OP - your wife is not interested in dropping out of her circle of parenting friends and activities to listen to music and read books with you. Who can blame her? She's put in a lot of time building relationships with your daughter and these people and her parenting journey is almost over. Have you been on that journey with her?

I think she's wondering what life is going to be like when your daughter is out of the house. You sound like you've not participated in the parts of her life that she values. She might be relieved to hear you're thinking of leaving.

Make an effort to join her in whatever she's doing instead of moping about how she isn't the type of person you'd imagined she'd be at this point in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

Because she only married you to get the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

You don't want kids. You couldn't understand how a mother feels about her children. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

Why are you blanketing "women let motherhood destroy..." and look at the issue with the woman you married. This is not about motherhood, so stop blaming that. It sounds like you'd like your wife to place you and your need higher on her list of priorities. Which is totally fair and reasonable. But you have to ask her.

And as a woman with young kids, I can tell you that motherhood takes it toll on how your perceive yourself as a person. Also, society is rough on mothers and it takes it's toll. It's hard work to stay on the same page as your spouse when you experience parenthood so differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

I'm sorry, OP. I had an affair because my H treated me like a partner in a business: so long as I brought home my salary, cared for the house and kids, and left him alone, he was good. I wanted a truly intimate relationship. There are women out there like you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

Takes two to tango. Help out with the kids more. Hire a sitter and go out to dinner with your DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You're not going to get much support here because most of the women on this board ARE the woman you describe.

+1

There's is a balance to everything you do in life. As a woman when I read some of these threads the obsession over every little details of their child's lives is incredible. I don't know if it's boredom or if it's a D.C. culture issue... I really don't know. I have been around many women with husbands that successfully balance spending time with husband and time with children.

How many kids do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sharing the parenting load, OP? I'm a DW and I'm afraid my husband might feel the way you do but honestly being the parent who deals with our younger child's special needs is crushing me. I've tried to explain this and ask that we work together as partners and it always winds up being me at meetings alone, at every therapy appointment, etc. I want to repair our relationship but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, let alone take care of one more person.

This. My husband didn't even pick up any extra housework on my birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

No, men get married primarily to be taken care of, which is why their wife caring for the kids really stings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the "unqualified to comment" childless poster. If you don't want my opinion stop reading. But I believe that children are supposed to be the fruit of a true love and life partner. They should not be a substitute, or supersede, the marriage of two people who are madly in love. It's just my personal opinion so feel free to discount it. But what I'm saying is ladies, don't use your husband as a vessel for children. The children should be a living symbol of your love for each other, not a substitute. You can value your children and your spouse equally and make both an equal #1 priority. The love may be different but should not be unequal.

+1

Also a childless (by choice). You hit the nail on the head. Hubby and I had the children talk long before we got married. I made it clear and upfront that I never wanted kids, and he agreed. If we had wanted kids, I would certainly make time for my husband, and I would expect husband to make time for myself. I feel that people put their kids first too much to the point that they stop having a marriage. If you don't put yourselves first once in awhile, you lose that passion and all the reason you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.

But if you don't have children, you have no idea how having kids affects a marriage. Zero. Your comments are entirely theoretical. What if your husband's expectation was that you continue to work full time and do 80% of the childcare and household upkeep? Would you "make time for your husband" through all that resentment?

Why didn't you want kids, by the way? Anything at all to do with keeping the marriage the priority?

[Anonymous]

OP, do her a favor and divorce her so she can find someone who is an equal partner. So, you only pay 24% of your income to the house? What about food, utilities, cell phone, clothing, car, and household needs? What about your child's activities, school needs, her clothing, and college? Your wife is pulling the full load, probably exhausted and needs help. Step up or step out. How else can your child get to activities, assuming they do not drive? Are you cleaning the house? Step up or hire someone? Who does the yard work? If its not you, hire someone. Between working full-time, cooking, cleaning, yard work, managing the household affairs such as paying bills, repairs, etc. and the child's needs, have you considered how exhausted she might be? Or, how stressed about money when you are a selfish fool who barely contributes?

[BE_Jack]

OP is lucky as I have a SAHM XW with two homes to pay for, tuition out the wazoo and fully participate in their activities which I wouldn't trade for the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

This comment makes men sound really narcissistic and kind of stupid. Men enter a lifelong legal partnership with someone just because they want a friend? Then they are surprised when their wives have their own goals for their lives besides making their husbands happy? Maybe there are a few men out there like this, but I don't think many men are this shallow and naive. Most couples talk about hopes and dreams for the future and share mutual dreams.
Political candidates pivot because they are two dimensional characters who can be seen as all this or all that and only in relation to what I need. If you see your spouse that way, instead of as a whole person with their own wants and needs, then of course they are going to dissappint you.