Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

You two have bigger problems than her motherhood.
Agree with a PP, she's not that into you.

+1
OP, it sounds like your wife would be acting this way about something else if not your daughter- a pet, job, hobby. She just doesn't want to connect with you. Did she ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's just not that into you.

This is probably true. And it's not meant as a shot at OP. For all I know, he is an attractive, successful man who has done more than his share to woo his wife.

She just doesn't have a desire for him, and doesn't feel the need to stoke the flames because she is secure and getting everything she needs.

My wife was same, then she found out through a friend an attractive co-worker was hitting on me hard (and read an email she sent to me) and you would be amazed how she suddenly found her desire to be married again.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing:
I am sure that there are marriages out there where only one partner is to blame for everything going bad, but that is a very slim percentage. The vast, vast majority of the time, two dysfunctional people got together and BOTH contributed.

And the fact that your solution is to bitch about how you are so much more interesting than your wife and also all women are the same on an online message board does not persuqd me that you are in the minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing:
I am sure that there are marriages out there where only one partner is to blame for everything going bad, but that is a very slim percentage. The vast, vast majority of the time, two dysfunctional people got together and BOTH contributed.

And the fact that your solution is to bitch about how you are so much more interesting than your wife and also all women are the same on an online message board does not persuqd me that you are in the minority.

+1. OP, have you given any thought to why your wife finds you less interesting than housecleaning? Maybe it's you who needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Are you sharing the parenting load, OP? I'm a DW and I'm afraid my husband might feel the way you do but honestly being the parent who deals with our younger child's special needs is crushing me. I've tried to explain this and ask that we work together as partners and it always winds up being me at meetings alone, at every therapy appointment, etc. I want to repair our relationship but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, let alone take care of one more person.

[Anonymous]

Women seemed very insensitive to his pont. I see in a lot of relationship my relationship isn't currently lot what the SP speaked but I can see how he can feel like this. Just because he addressed it doesn't mean he's a baby or this or that. Life is too short to be a relationship unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

DH here: I say this from a place of support. If you are tolerating this, the problem is you. Don't bitch about her on DCUM. Tell her explicitly that this is where you are, that things need to change or you are going to have to do something drastic that you don't want to do, and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

It gets better when they get a little older. Perhaps you could try to be more helpful and be patient for a few years? Motherhood is overwhelming and very, very draining.

Try not being so selfish. Put your kids first for a few years. Stay married to their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

You two have bigger problems than her motherhood.
Agree with a PP, she's not that into you.

Actuallyk, it's 24% of my income before taxes. So, it feels like a much bigger bite once taxes, health insurance, retirement, etc. are taken out.

But whose spending their precious free time bean counting anyway?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sharing the parenting load, OP? I'm a DW and I'm afraid my husband might feel the way you do but honestly being the parent who deals with our younger child's special needs is crushing me. I've tried to explain this and ask that we work together as partners and it always winds up being me at meetings alone, at every therapy appointment, etc. I want to repair our relationship but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, let alone take care of one more person.

My husband was like this too. I effectively started abandoning him for while days at a time so he was in charge of whatever was going on that day. Now he's very attached to special DS & very involved. Super Dad really...

[Anonymous]

She might just be tired. I love my husband, but between work, our child and home stuff (including renovations) I am so tired. I think what would help us is more structured date times when childcare was scheduled and we would just go out and be a couple - not a mommy and daddy. The money thing is a bit strange, just split items differently or get a joint account. Maybe you can have a vacation without kids.

[Anonymous]

DW with kids here. I get it, OP. Yes, I veered toward children after they were born, and away from DH. You can't help that. Before you had 100% of her time. Now you have ... 25% if you are lucky. And, let me tell you, it kind of sucks to be her, too. You will never be her 100% again. NEVER.

That said, you are half responsible for making the marriage work, making it interesting, and keeping her interested in you. Unless you don't want that, OP? You need to keep engaged, with the kids, with the wife, with the family as a whole. Be honest with her and yourself. Talk it out. It isn't easy. It is very very hard. But you can do it and make things better.

[Anonymous]

Is tired ever a good excuse, people are tired of lot of things like, jobs, kids, etc but still make the time to everything that important in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

Um, why aren't you with DW at DD's various events? That's what you are supposed to be doing now. I see a lot of husbands and wives together at the kids event, OP. There's just a little bit more time for that before she flies the coop and then there's plenty of time to sit inside listening to your music.

Are you by any chance the littlest bit special, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

You two have bigger problems than her motherhood.
Agree with a PP, she's not that into you.

+1
OP, it sounds like your wife would be acting this way about something else if not your daughter- a pet, job, hobby. She just doesn't want to connect with you. Did she ever?

X2