Should a DW have to earn her role as a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

OP, no she doesn't have to earn her keep. This is not about he cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Most households share these responsibilities at some level no matter who works or goes to school. You have a different issue altogether. Why is your wife still in bed when the children are leaving for school? This is the root of all the rest of your issues. You and she need to figure that one out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

You did not do all that with your kids before work, get real.

It's a holiday. Of course I didn't do literally the same thing, but I did the equivalent and got some work done, also. So sick of the SAHM martyr card. It just is not. that. hard.

Where do you work? That last time I brought my clippers to work and trimmed my kids hair on my desk I got a stern reprimand from HR. So unfair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

You did not do all that with your kids before work, get real.

It's a holiday. Of course I didn't do literally the same thing, but I did the equivalent and got some work done, also. So sick of the SAHM martyr card. It just is not. that. hard.

Same goes for the WOHM card. Sitting in an office, getting a lunch break, chatting with adults, and all they have to do is handle dinner and bedtime!

While I do bring in half the income of our family, my job doesn't give me enough to pay for a driver to afterschool programs, a daily tutor and coach to help with homework and studying and teach them new tasks, a maid to clean up and do laundry, a cook, a personal shopper, and a financial planner. BTW, I haven't taken a lunch break beyond checking dcum for 10 minutes till before kids.

Well you just proved exactly my point- for as often as the martyr SAHM card gets played, so does martyr WOHM card. We all think what we so is valuable and difficult at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you said thank you more and did stuff to appreciate her vs. taking her for granted, she would be more willing.

To the poster who said her husband will not do his laundry: I do my husband's laundry, but if he ever said that to me in that way, he'd better figure it out himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if you said thank you more and did stuff to appreciate her vs. taking her for granted, she would be more willing.

To the poster who said her husband will not do his laundry: I do my husband's laundry, but if he ever said that to me in that way, he'd better figure it out himself.

What the fuck is he supposed to thank her for? Spending his money? Doesn't seem like she does much worth appreciating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if you said thank you more and did stuff to appreciate her vs. taking her for granted, she would be more willing.

To the poster who said her husband will not do his laundry: I do my husband's laundry, but if he ever said that to me in that way, he'd better figure it out himself.

What the fuck is he supposed to thank her for? Spending his money? Doesn't seem like she does much worth appreciating.

And now you've made it obvious why you aren't getting laid...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

You did not do all that with your kids before work, get real.

It's a holiday. Of course I didn't do literally the same thing, but I did the equivalent and got some work done, also. So sick of the SAHM martyr card. It just is not. that. hard.

Where do you work? That last time I brought my clippers to work and trimmed my kids hair on my desk I got a stern reprimand from HR. So unfair

Clearly reading comprehension isn't your strong suit, but I guess that's not relevant to your life, anyway.

Also, DH cuts the kids' nails. Because he's a parent, not a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

You've enabled a lazy person. Period.

Here's what I would say to her if I were you:

"Suzy, we need to talk. I'm concerned about you. You don't seem happy. Is something wrong? Could you be depressed? The reason I ask is that you don't seem to be enjoying staying home. And I've held back for a while, but the reality is that you don't seem to be accomplishing much at home while the kids are at school. I'm sure you realize that our finances are taking a hit by having you at home, and I'm fine with that if that's what you really want. But I'm not convinced this is the best thing for you or the family."

Then see what she says. I suspect she'll call you an ass and tell you how hard it is to cook and clean and do laundry. And you should call her bluff.

"Honey, I don't expect you to be the maid, but I do expect you to do something during the day. I don't want to fight about this. I just want you to think about whether or not this is working out and also think about whether it might be better for our family if you go back to work."

If she ramps it up, then you bring out the big guns:

"The bottom line is that coming home to a messy house and no food on the table makes me wonder what you've done all day while I was at work. And I don't like feeling this way. It's not good for our relationship."

Then walk away.

Fwiw, I'm a FT working mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if you said thank you more and did stuff to appreciate her vs. taking her for granted, she would be more willing.

To the poster who said her husband will not do his laundry: I do my husband's laundry, but if he ever said that to me in that way, he'd better figure it out himself.

What the fuck is he supposed to thank her for? Spending his money? Doesn't seem like she does much worth appreciating.

And now you've made it obvious why you aren't getting laid...

Nice try but I'm a woman who has sex 4-5 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

I did all that, I work, I gave DH BJ early am, and I did P90X before kids got up. Also having dinner party tonight and will complete some PTA chairperson-related work tonight before bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

You did not do all that with your kids before work, get real.

It's a holiday. Of course I didn't do literally the same thing, but I did the equivalent and got some work done, also. So sick of the SAHM martyr card. It just is not. that. hard.

Where do you work? That last time I brought my clippers to work and trimmed my kids hair on my desk I got a stern reprimand from HR. So unfair

Clearly reading comprehension isn't your strong suit, but I guess that's not relevant to your life, anyway.

Also, DH cuts the kids' nails. Because he's a parent, not a paycheck.

Ha! I am about to blow your mind. I'm an ER doc who works 5 12 hour shifts per month. And no, not a lot of reading on the job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

I did all that while performing surgery. It's not that hard

I didn't do any of that and I'm still happier than either one of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

I did all that too and I work.

I did all that while performing surgery. It's not that hard

I didn't do any of that and I'm still happier than either one of you.

[Anonymous]

This is a very subjective question. I didn't earn my role as a SAHM as I was kind of forced into it due to the needs of our preemie twins. My DH was frustrated a lot because I didn't make him dinner or clean a lot. And I was quite depressed at the time. But I was staying home because our kids needed me there.

So, no, I don't feel a parent has to earn their SAHP status, completely. But they should do something and it somehow has to work for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Caring for newborn preemies isn't the same as being a SAHM for school aged kids who are at school from 9 to 3. Period.