Should a DW have to earn her role as a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Wow PP, this is a sweet deal. I WOHM and do laudry, cooking and cleaning. Admitedly my house is far from clean and frozen pizza is prominently featured in our menu... With regard to OP, I think I am missing why you are actually married to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP, this is a sweet deal. I WOHM and do laudry, cooking and cleaning. Admitedly my house is far from clean and frozen pizza is prominently featured in our menu... With regard to OP, I think I am missing why you are actually married to this person.

Which PP are you referring to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It depends on your situation. If there is enough money to support a household staff, nannies, etc, then it could work. Many people live happily like this, and the non-working spouse can volunteer and find many worthwhile occupations instead of doing chores.

However if the working spouse feels used and put upon, then both need to revisit the arrangement.

WOHM here and we also have a daily,PT housekeeper (kids are school aged). Nope. I dont Do anything other than pick up after ourselves. Someone else does laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, errand running, meal prep, packs lunches, and organizing. A $500/week well spent.

Sounds like said SAHM does nothing including sex.if I were OP, I'd be the hell outta there. I don't car if I'd have to pay child support or whatever. The longer he stays, the longer he pays.

[Anonymous]

SAHM here. Here's the deal. I did not walk away from a job that I had been in for nearly a decade and the benefits/seniority that came with it to cook and tend to housekeeping (I was taking care of that anyway after work, dh was doing yard work/repairs). I quit because my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a parent at home with our kids. For us, it worked out well to have me home and, yes, I *continued* to cook/clean but my standards got lower there for a while when my attention was more highly centered on childcare. There were times when I'm sure that dh thought that I had abandoned the vacuum. But we survived that stage and looking back I think that we both spent our time well during those years.

That said, I can see how what worked for us would not work for everyone. Maybe it's time to talk to your wife and see if she likes being at home or would prefer to go back to work. Is she depressed? Find out where she is coming from. She might be doing more during the day than you realize.

[Anonymous]

You're telling us what she doesn't do, but what does she do? There are so many other time consuming parenting activities that I would rank as equally important. Reading to the kids, preparing meals (even if she doesn't cook them), playing with the kids, shopping for the kids, bathing, helping with homework, doctors appointments, shuttling the kids to activities, and volunteering all come to mind. While I do cook and clean, I don't see those as requirements of a SAHM. And my husband and I share the laundry detail because I loathe laundry. Now if she's really not spending her time with the kids, then I think that's different. As others have mentioned, she might be depressed. Or maybe she is just selfish, but I would look deeper. As for the roommate situation, I think that's what's probably bothering you the most. I love DH so deeply but I know that I'm guilty in that dept too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your view is kind of simplistic. Of course she should be doing these things, but have you had a conversation with her as to why they're not getting done? It's not like if you decide she's not doing a good enough job you can simply deposit her in a job.

Also, what does sex (which is what I assume you were referring to with the "roommate" comment) have to do with SAHM status? Does she owe you sex because you "let" her stay home?

I think it emphasizes that she contributes NOTHING to the partnership. A wife who is great and frequent in bed is going to get a pass in some other departments.

[Anonymous]

LOL.

It all depends on perceived value and that differs from person to person. I am married to a high earner and I am a SAHM. My DH thinks I am perfect, though I am a lousy housekeeper and housewife.

On the other hand, my kids EXCEL at school and EC activities and I am solely directly responsible for that. My DH takes enormous pride in how well our kids do. He could care less about things we could outsource to unskilled labor (cleaning, laundry, cooking, yardwork) though. And that works great for me.

We also have a very loving and very sexual relationship, because we have similar high libido. We like each other. DH and I are very easy going and laid back in attitude, we share common hobbies, we like to spend time with each other, we like each other's families etc. We share common goals and principles and we are financially secure and content.

All of these things add up for us. It may not be the laundry list of what OP wrote - but works for us.

He obviously finds no redeeming quality in his wife. So, why stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

You guys played outside today? it is totally freezing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

You guys played outside today? it is totally freezing!

I noticed that too; you sound amazing but digging in their garden this morning? What were you doing, explaining the concept of permafrost? Are you not in the DC area, by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

You guys played outside today? it is totally freezing!

NP. That doesn't mean they can't play outside for short periods. The fresh air is good for them, and burning off a little energy outside helps keep them manageable inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

You guys played outside today? it is totally freezing!

NP. That doesn't mean they can't play outside for short periods. The fresh air is good for them, and burning off a little energy outside helps keep them manageable inside.

How does one dig in a garden today? I'm curious as to how that works.

Aldo those kids schedule sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

you're doing too much. Chill out.

[Anonymous]

PP with kids digging outside today. I grew up in Canada. And it is about 40 where I live in the Carolinas. They do go out for about a half hour in the cold, they are boys and absolutely have to run around or they won't nap. I predict I will be the mom who makes her kids run laps around the house before school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

you're doing too much. Chill out.

It is chilly out and I have chili in the crockpot for dinner. Hope that is close enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't WANT to do any of those things but I do them anyways.
It's 950 am, I have a 2 and 4 year old. So far (since 630 am)
I have
Gotten them up, dressed, fed, changed and trimmed both of their hair, cut nails
Played outside for 30 minutes digging in their little garden. Cleaned them up from that
Put laundry in, folded and put away laundry
Prepped food and put in crockpot for dinner
Did 3 puzzles, practiced writing and reading 3 letter words with older one, DEF with younger one (tracing) and counting. Older child now sitting and doing number stickers (on his pants)
Do I pass?

You guys played outside today? it is totally freezing!

I noticed that too; you sound amazing but digging in their garden this morning? What were you doing, explaining the concept of permafrost? Are you not in the DC area, by any chance?