Overheard DW's fantasy about OM, do I confront her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes it occurred to me that there may be a problem in the bedroom, thanks.

The advice about not being confrontational is some I will take if I bring it up. I should also have said that this time period for DW overlaps with, but predates by a few weeks (I think, exact timeline iffy) her discovering that my gambling habit was more expensive than I had let on. Not "we can't afford it" expensive but it had reached the level of where we usually make joint decisions to spend (or lose, in my case) that kind of money.

So perhaps that pushed a regular fantasy over the edge as a kind of reaction to my gambling. But I would have expected a reaction that was a little more related to what I did (like going overboard on a new wardrobe).

Thinking about this more today, the other thing that is really bothering me about this is that when I've seen DW and OM interact their chemistry was palpable. So much so that I've almost said something even before this conversation. This precedes the fantasy by quite some time it seems, or the fantasy has been going on even longer than DW was willing to tell BFF about. So, another reason it's eating at me, and also an indication that there is an actual emotional connection there rather than just an imagined affair in DW's head (and also perhaps an indication that OM might be amenable).

Does all that change the calculus for those of you out there? It's pushing me towards talking about it with DW. But does that make her more or less likely to drop thoughts about OM? Echoing the forbidden fruit comment above.

DH here: OP, I think you do need to talk to her about it. This kind of chemical attraction to another person is natural and not really her fault. It can and does happen to anyone. But the fact that your relationship has some weaknesses increases the risk that she might act on it. She is way less likely to act on it if she knows you know about it, and that might help her, too. She is clearly not taking all possible measures to keep you from overhearing. View this as a cry for help, not as her doing something bad, because she really hasn't yet.

I think you should treat this as a bit of a shot across the bow and up your game to the extent you can, especially by getting into better physical condition if you have weaknesses there. And I think you should talk about it with DW, but only if you can keep it cool. I think the best tone would be "hey, I overheard this by accident, I understand that this type of thing happens and am not mad about it, but you should know that if you act on it, I'm gone. What can we do to get through this?" But you have to be controlled and decisive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was DW in this exact situation, but the evidence was email to a friend, not an overhead call.

He confronted me and it was like waking up. He was angry, but also clearly sad and scared. I saw that, and I instantly realized how ridiculous I was being and what I was risking for a stupid fantasy.

His courage in sitting me down and talking saved me and probably us.

Talk to her.

OP, this is the best advice to follow. This isn't about sex (and I'm a guy saying that). It's about trusting that your wife loves you and is committed to you. What you heard is confidence smashing. Tell her what you heard, tell her much your hurting, and let her respond.

I've been through a similar situation. Except my DW's infatuation is with a celebrity over whom she "anonymously" blogs, posting her fantasies for the world to see. I wish now that I would have had the courage to just say, "I found what you're doing and it makes me feel like your second choice. This really hurts me." I tried the non-chalant approach and it only led to bigger tension when I finally let Her know that I knew what she was up to.

Good luck! State your feelings and be brave. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File it away. Bring it out when she least expects it. Next time you have sex just before pentration say "is this what you want OM to do to you?" Then leave the room.

Why leave? I say hold on for a good ride. People can (and do) have sexual thoughts about others. It's natural. Why is everyone so uptight?

[Anonymous]

Uptight? Try a little empathy.

To hear your spouse verbalize fantasies about another is hurtful and humiliating.

[Anonymous]

Damn...women can't even have her own dreams anymore.

[Anonymous]

It's not the mere fact of having them. It's indulging them. If you do that, you have to acknowledge some risk that your ur partner's confidence and security could be damaged by your behavior.

If you are aware of that and you dismiss your partner's
feelings, your behavior moves into the realm of malicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the mere fact of having them. It's indulging them. If you do that, you have to acknowledge some risk that your ur partner's confidence and security could be damaged by your behavior.

If you are aware of that and you dismiss your partner's
feelings, your behavior moves into the realm of malicious.

But OP is not talking about mere fantasies. OP's DW by her own admission is teetering on the brink of acting. Has to be nipped in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. These are not "mere fantasies."

Knowing the fantasies makes them harmful. Even though no physical relationship has occurred, I'm sure OP feels a certain level of betrayal.

[Anonymous]

I love all of the "betrayal" "Lack of trust" and "must be dealt with" replies. No one here has ever had sexual thoughts about anyone other than a spouse? Has the OP never had a fantasy about someone else?

The wife did the girl version of "I'd do her" and it's a 4 page discussion....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love all of the "betrayal" "Lack of trust" and "must be dealt with" replies. No one here has ever had sexual thoughts about anyone other than a spouse? Has the OP never had a fantasy about someone else?

The wife did the girl version of "I'd do her" and it's a 4 page discussion....

No, no. This isn't just the hots for Sean Cassidy in Tiger Beat magazine.

The wife is infatuated and not fully trusting what she may think or do next. OP is aware and his response is normal: jealousy, betrayal, insecurity, fear, confusion about how to handle it.

Why dismiss the spouse's concerns, tell him he's no fun, call him a wreckage, tell him other women would have left by now, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love all of the "betrayal" "Lack of trust" and "must be dealt with" replies. No one here has ever had sexual thoughts about anyone other than a spouse? Has the OP never had a fantasy about someone else?

The wife did the girl version of "I'd do her" and it's a 4 page discussion....

I don't know. For a grown man or woman in a committed relationship to go around saying, "I'd do him/her," seems like exhibit A for immaturity. It's just disrespectful.

I said things like that as a teenager, but 30 years later? That's just doesn't feel right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all of the "betrayal" "Lack of trust" and "must be dealt with" replies. No one here has ever had sexual thoughts about anyone other than a spouse? Has the OP never had a fantasy about someone else?

The wife did the girl version of "I'd do her" and it's a 4 page discussion....

I don't know. For a grown man or woman in a committed relationship to go around saying, "I'd do him/her," seems like exhibit A for immaturity. It's just disrespectful.

I said things like that as a teenager, but 30 years later? That's just doesn't feel right.

+ big time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all of the "betrayal" "Lack of trust" and "must be dealt with" replies. No one here has ever had sexual thoughts about anyone other than a spouse? Has the OP never had a fantasy about someone else?

The wife did the girl version of "I'd do her" and it's a 4 page discussion....

I don't know. For a grown man or woman in a committed relationship to go around saying, "I'd do him/her," seems like exhibit A for immaturity. It's just disrespectful.

I said things like that as a teenager, but 30 years later? That's just doesn't feel right.

+ big time

I'm glad someone else feels this way. My wife does this with her friends all the time. I look the other way, but it does bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.

Mmm...so, I'm a guy. I have almost no jealousy in me at all, so this is pretty easy for me to say. And I say that having been cheated on in my life and having been the "OM" once. Thankfully that stuff was all way back in my late-teen/early-twenties, but I'm speaking from a little direct experience. Here's the deal: there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, so you might as well just choose to trust your wife and not worry.

First, it's just a fantasy/crush. Do you honestly never get lust infatuations or fantasize about random women you know? If you say no, then I say you're really gay and your wife is a beard. Women are like this too. I know a bunch of happily married, deeply faithful and completely trustworthy guys, who are more than happy to remark to other guys how hot some random woman is and how much we'd like to get in her pants. This talk - bluster - is the relief valve.

Second, while the poster who mentioned that stepping up your own game - being romantic, and a good listener - will help keep your wife from deciding to ditch you and take up with the other guy, being jealous won't do anything. Not a thing. You can eat yourself up inside worrying about it all you want, and it will do nothing at all to make your wife a more faithful person; if anything at all, eventually, it may drive her to be less faithful (ie, if I'm paying the price, might as well get the goods).

It was bad form and insensitive for your wife to talk about her fantasies in earshot of you (or very creepy of you to eavesdrop on your wife talking to her friend - which is it, really?), but at this point, I think you would do well to diffuse it. Don't "call her out" or try to shame or attack her for this - instead, make it an open shared thing: be able to laugh it off with her. Let her know you know, and that you are not threatened. Make a joke out of it. Make a joke about who you get to do if the opportunity arises. Pull it out in the open and then let it go.

Trust is a conscious choice we make - giving someone trust. Yes, they can do things to undermine that, or earn it, but at the end of the day, it's something that's entirely in our power: we choose to trust them. They cannot make us trust them. There is probably nothing here to fear - and even if there is, there's really nothing you can do about it...so why put yourself through it? Choose to trust your wife...don't go looking for reasons to distrust her. Tell her to be more discreet in the future and make a point of not listening.

This is like women who snoop for porn and then are hurt when they find evidence of it...99.999% of men look at porn...if they tell you they don't, they are probably lying (and that's a good reason to distrust and dump them). The answer is: men should pretend they don't look (by being discreet) and women should pretend to not know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.

Mmm...so, I'm a guy. I have almost no jealousy in me at all, so this is pretty easy for me to say. And I say that having been cheated on in my life and having been the "OM" once. Thankfully that stuff was all way back in my late-teen/early-twenties, but I'm speaking from a little direct experience. Here's the deal: there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, so you might as well just choose to trust your wife and not worry.

First, it's just a fantasy/crush. Do you honestly never get lust infatuations or fantasize about random women you know? If you say no, then I say you're really gay and your wife is a beard. Women are like this too. I know a bunch of happily married, deeply faithful and completely trustworthy guys, who are more than happy to remark to other guys how hot some random woman is and how much we'd like to get in her pants. This talk - bluster - is the relief valve.

Second, while the poster who mentioned that stepping up your own game - being romantic, and a good listener - will help keep your wife from deciding to ditch you and take up with the other guy, being jealous won't do anything. Not a thing. You can eat yourself up inside worrying about it all you want, and it will do nothing at all to make your wife a more faithful person; if anything at all, eventually, it may drive her to be less faithful (ie, if I'm paying the price, might as well get the goods).

It was bad form and insensitive for your wife to talk about her fantasies in earshot of you (or very creepy of you to eavesdrop on your wife talking to her friend - which is it, really?), but at this point, I think you would do well to diffuse it. Don't "call her out" or try to shame or attack her for this - instead, make it an open shared thing: be able to laugh it off with her. Let her know you know, and that you are not threatened. Make a joke out of it. Make a joke about who you get to do if the opportunity arises. Pull it out in the open and then let it go.

Trust is a conscious choice we make - giving someone trust. Yes, they can do things to undermine that, or earn it, but at the end of the day, it's something that's entirely in our power: we choose to trust them. They cannot make us trust them. There is probably nothing here to fear - and even if there is, there's really nothing you can do about it...so why put yourself through it? Choose to trust your wife...don't go looking for reasons to distrust her. Tell her to be more discreet in the future and make a point of not listening.

This is like women who snoop for porn and then are hurt when they find evidence of it...99.999% of men look at porn...if they tell you they don't, they are probably lying (and that's a good reason to distrust and dump them). The answer is: men should pretend they don't look (by being discreet) and women should pretend to not know.

Insightful