Reply to Overheard DW's fantasy about OM, do I confront her?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, yes it occurred to me that there may be a problem in the bedroom, thanks.

The advice about not being confrontational is some I will take if I bring it up. I should also have said that this time period for DW overlaps with, but predates by a few weeks (I think, exact timeline iffy) her discovering that my gambling habit was more expensive than I had let on. Not "we can't afford it" expensive but it had reached the level of where we usually make joint decisions to spend (or lose, in my case) that kind of money.

So perhaps that pushed a regular fantasy over the edge as a kind of reaction to my gambling. But I would have expected a reaction that was a little more related to what I did (like going overboard on a new wardrobe).

Thinking about this more today, the other thing that is really bothering me about this is that when I've seen DW and OM interact their chemistry was palpable. So much so that I've almost said something even before this conversation. This precedes the fantasy by quite some time it seems, or the fantasy has been going on even longer than DW was willing to tell BFF about. So, another reason it's eating at me, and also an indication that there is an actual emotional connection there rather than just an imagined affair in DW's head (and also perhaps an indication that OM might be amenable).

Does all that change the calculus for those of you out there?  It's pushing me towards talking about it with DW.  But does that make her more or less likely to drop thoughts about OM?  Echoing the forbidden fruit comment above. [/quote]

DH here:  OP, I think you do need to talk to her about it.  This kind of chemical attraction to another person is natural and not really her fault.  It can and does happen to anyone.  But the fact that your relationship has some weaknesses increases the risk that she might act on it.  She is way less likely to act on it if she knows you know about it, and that might help her, too.  She is clearly not taking all possible measures to keep you from overhearing.  View this as a cry for help, not as her doing something bad, because she really hasn't yet.

I think you should treat this as a bit of a shot across the bow and up your game to the extent you can, especially by getting into better physical condition if you have weaknesses there.  And I think you should talk about it with DW, but only if you can keep it cool.  I think the best tone would be "hey, I overheard this by accident, I understand that this type of thing happens and am not mad about it, but you should know that if you act on it, I'm gone.  What can we do to get through this?"  But you have to be controlled and decisive.

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