Overheard DW's fantasy about OM, do I confront her?

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks to those of you with thoughtful advice, it has been helpful.

Also, just for the record, in DW's own words this was more than a daydream or some kind of junior HS crush. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all 4+ pages, so I don't know if you've answered this already, but it would be a helpful perspective to know how long she's felt this way. If it's been a long time, then I would talk to her about it. In general, honestly helps build intimacy and that's what both of you want with each other. Plus, I would love it if my man flexed his muscles a little bit. If she's only felt like this for say less than 3 months or so, I may let it ride if you are afraid of confrontation. I had this same conversation with a friend about a man I thought I was infatuated with but after a few months I realize it was just a fantasy and silly. Never something that I needed to discuss with my DH....

[Anonymous]

OP - thanks for posting this. I'm in the same boat generally and you have scared up some good advice here. Spouse and I are in counseling so there is a "safe" place to bring it up I want to. But I sort of view that as spouse's responsibility - if we're in counseling and being open with issues in our marriage, how can this not be talked about? If I have to bring it up then its just that much more terrible of a conversation/issue it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.

Mmm...so, I'm a guy. I have almost no jealousy in me at all, so this is pretty easy for me to say. And I say that having been cheated on in my life and having been the "OM" once. Thankfully that stuff was all way back in my late-teen/early-twenties, but I'm speaking from a little direct experience. Here's the deal: there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, so you might as well just choose to trust your wife and not worry.

First, it's just a fantasy/crush. Do you honestly never get lust infatuations or fantasize about random women you know? If you say no, then I say you're really gay and your wife is a beard. Women are like this too. I know a bunch of happily married, deeply faithful and completely trustworthy guys, who are more than happy to remark to other guys how hot some random woman is and how much we'd like to get in her pants. This talk - bluster - is the relief valve.

Second, while the poster who mentioned that stepping up your own game - being romantic, and a good listener - will help keep your wife from deciding to ditch you and take up with the other guy, being jealous won't do anything. Not a thing. You can eat yourself up inside worrying about it all you want, and it will do nothing at all to make your wife a more faithful person; if anything at all, eventually, it may drive her to be less faithful (ie, if I'm paying the price, might as well get the goods).

It was bad form and insensitive for your wife to talk about her fantasies in earshot of you (or very creepy of you to eavesdrop on your wife talking to her friend - which is it, really?), but at this point, I think you would do well to diffuse it. Don't "call her out" or try to shame or attack her for this - instead, make it an open shared thing: be able to laugh it off with her. Let her know you know, and that you are not threatened. Make a joke out of it. Make a joke about who you get to do if the opportunity arises. Pull it out in the open and then let it go.

Trust is a conscious choice we make - giving someone trust. Yes, they can do things to undermine that, or earn it, but at the end of the day, it's something that's entirely in our power: we choose to trust them. They cannot make us trust them. There is probably nothing here to fear - and even if there is, there's really nothing you can do about it...so why put yourself through it? Choose to trust your wife...don't go looking for reasons to distrust her. Tell her to be more discreet in the future and make a point of not listening.

This is like women who snoop for porn and then are hurt when they find evidence of it...99.999% of men look at porn...if they tell you they don't, they are probably lying (and that's a good reason to distrust and dump them). The answer is: men should pretend they don't look (by being discreet) and women should pretend to not know.

Insightful

DW here. Agree 100%!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks for posting this. I'm in the same boat generally and you have scared up some good advice here. Spouse and I are in counseling so there is a "safe" place to bring it up I want to. But I sort of view that as spouse's responsibility - if we're in counseling and being open with issues in our marriage, how can this not be talked about? If I have to bring it up then its just that much more terrible of a conversation/issue it seems.

If you are already in counselling, you better bring it up else the mistrust and suspicion will undo any benefits of the counselling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks to those of you with thoughtful advice, it has been helpful.

Also, just for the record, in DW's own words this was more than a daydream or some kind of junior HS crush. Thanks.

I hope you are not listening to the horrible advice from women to "step up your game".

The women who suggest you may not be satisfying her sexually and need to give her more oral are particularly revolting. Apparently, "I promise to love, honor and cherish... unless you don't eat my pussy enough" is the DCUM woman's idea of a "marriage vow". (Something tells me they wouldn't think a man had a license to cheat if his wife wasn't giving him enough BJs.) The problem is that if she is fantasizing about this other guy, you can eat her out until your chin looks like a glazed doughnut and it won't do you any good. She'll just lie there thinking about him eating her out.

She is taking you for granted. "Stepping up your game" will only make her take you even more for granted. What you need to do is show her you are attractive to other women. Remember that YOU are the prize, not her. Get in shape, dress well, take up some new interests, disappear mysteriously in the evenings and refuse to account for your whereabouts, start mentioning cute new coworkers, things like that. But from the sound of things, there's only a slim chance that will work, and then only if you're the kind of guy who can pull it off.

You've been dumped before, right? And you didn't want to see it, you refused to see it, until she dropped the nuke? I think you know the missile is in the air now, and it's only a matter of time before it detonates. Really the only thing to do in that situation is launch first. File for divorce and move out. At least you'll preserve a modicum of self-respect that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks to those of you with thoughtful advice, it has been helpful.

Also, just for the record, in DW's own words this was more than a daydream or some kind of junior HS crush. Thanks.

I hope you are not listening to the horrible advice from women to "step up your game".

The women who suggest you may not be satisfying her sexually and need to give her more oral are particularly revolting. Apparently, "I promise to love, honor and cherish... unless you don't eat my pussy enough" is the DCUM woman's idea of a "marriage vow". (Something tells me they wouldn't think a man had a license to cheat if his wife wasn't giving him enough BJs.) The problem is that if she is fantasizing about this other guy, you can eat her out until your chin looks like a glazed doughnut and it won't do you any good. She'll just lie there thinking about him eating her out.

She is taking you for granted. "Stepping up your game" will only make her take you even more for granted. What you need to do is show her you are attractive to other women. Remember that YOU are the prize, not her. Get in shape, dress well, take up some new interests, disappear mysteriously in the evenings and refuse to account for your whereabouts, start mentioning cute new coworkers, things like that. But from the sound of things, there's only a slim chance that will work, and then only if you're the kind of guy who can pull it off.

You've been dumped before, right? And you didn't want to see it, you refused to see it, until she dropped the nuke? I think you know the missile is in the air now, and it's only a matter of time before it detonates. Really the only thing to do in that situation is launch first. File for divorce and move out. At least you'll preserve a modicum of self-respect that way.

This is all fantastic advice if you want to make sure she files for divorce immediately and ends up with the other guy.

Whatever you do, do not do this. If anything, she already has a potential partner lined up, so she will win if you start playing games.

Being loving and kind is the way to go. Not starting passive aggressive mind games where no one will win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.

Spoken by a true woman or ball-less man.

[Anonymous]

If you grew up with money insecurity or had a relationship with a gambler, having your spouse not tell you about an increase in their gambling is not minor AT ALL. It makes you worry about the future in every aspect. My housekeeper used to be wealthy but her husband's gambling addiction caused them to lose everything including the business they grew together.

[Anonymous]

If my DH was hiding his gambling from me after we agreed not to make such large expenditures on it, I wouldn't run out and add to my wardrobe. I would start making plans to secure my children and my finances from his addiction. It would also greatly diminish my attraction to him sexually. Financial infidelity has wrecked many marriages and OP's was already on the rocks.

[Anonymous]

Do not give this woman more/better sex, unless you like rewarding her sexually for wanting to fuck another guy.

Or, perhaps she already is (I believe that) and you can be the cuck who licks her clean.

[Anonymous]

All of the males on this thread are utterly missing the point. No one said OP should step up his game in the bedroom. It's about the romance, stupid.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why the "confront her" tone. The issue is not the power dynamic in the marriage. It is also not who is the man or has bigger balls. That is really infantile way of thinking.

The real issue is that DWs attraction to the OM has gone beyond fantasy and is starting to get into real life. This could be a reflection of the lack of attention or sex in the marriage; if so, some attention and loving would fix that itch. If however dw is really into this guy regardless of how things are at home, DHs actions may not matter much. It may just lead to postponement of her acting out. I would say DH should pay more attention and take care of her; he should also indicate to her what her heard and have a heart to heart. They may emerge stronger or it would lead to a breakdown which was probably coming anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Shortly before my wedding I found myself having fantasies about another man (mutual friend) that really surprised me. I chalked it up to nerves and discussed it with my (now) husband. Years later that man is still a good friend and I kind of laugh like "what was I thinking". I don't know, but it's entirely possible I aired these thoughts and fears with a girlfriend first. Depending on various factors you might not need to confront her... She might process it through to a point where she's ready to tell you on her own. That said, I think it's very reasonable to let her know what you overheard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the males on this thread are utterly missing the point. No one said OP should step up his game in the bedroom. It's about the romance, stupid.

So, he should increase the romance to his wife that verbally tells everyone she wants to have sex with someone else? The guy who said cuck wasn't too far off point.