Reply to Overheard DW's fantasy about OM, do I confront her?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move.  Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.  [/quote]

Mmm...so, I'm a guy.  I have almost no jealousy in me at all, so this is pretty easy for me to say.  And I say that having been cheated on in my life and having been the "OM" once.  Thankfully that stuff was all way back in my late-teen/early-twenties, but I'm speaking from a little direct experience.  Here's the deal: there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, so you might as well just choose to trust your wife and not worry.

First, it's just a fantasy/crush.  Do you honestly never get lust infatuations or fantasize about random women you know?  If you say no, then I say you're really gay and your wife is a beard.  Women are like this too.  I know a bunch of happily married, deeply faithful and completely trustworthy guys, who are more than happy to remark to other guys how hot some random woman is and how much we'd like to get in her pants.  This talk - bluster - is the relief valve.

Second, while the poster who mentioned that stepping up your own game - being romantic, and a good listener - will help keep your wife from deciding to ditch you and take up with the other guy, being jealous won't do anything.  Not a thing.  You can eat yourself up inside worrying about it all you want, and it will do nothing at all to make your wife a more faithful person; if anything at all, eventually, it may drive her to be less faithful (ie, if I'm paying the price, might as well get the goods).

It was bad form and insensitive for your wife to talk about her fantasies in earshot of you (or very creepy of you to eavesdrop on your wife talking to her friend - which is it, really?), but at this point, I think you would do well to diffuse it. Don't "call her out" or try to shame or attack her for this - instead, make it an open shared thing: be able to laugh it off with her.  Let her know you know, and [b]that you are not threatened[/b].  Make a joke out of it.  Make a joke about who you get to do if the opportunity arises.  Pull it out in the open and then [b]let it go[/b].

Trust is a conscious choice we make - giving someone trust.  Yes, they can do things to undermine that, or earn it, but at the end of the day, it's something that's entirely in our power: we choose to trust them.  They cannot make us trust them.  There is probably nothing here to fear - and even if there is, there's really nothing you can do about it...so why put yourself through it?  Choose to trust your wife...don't go looking for reasons to distrust her.  Tell her to be more discreet in the future and make a  point of not listening.

This is like women who snoop for porn and then are hurt when they find evidence of it...99.999% of men look at porn...if they tell you they don't, they are probably lying (and that's a good reason to distrust and dump them).  The answer is: men should pretend they don't look (by being discreet) and women should pretend to not know.  [/quote]

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