Overheard DW's fantasy about OM, do I confront her?

[Anonymous]

Do you do oral sex on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.

+1

This is good advice. Direct and honest, but not aggressive and judgy.

Also, she technically hasn't done anything, and it sounds like she may never have, so be nice.

I think I'd take this route and combine it with the other poster who suggested stepping up your game a little. Something like:

"Dear Wife, I'm so sorry, because it was unintentional, but I came home early from the gym last week and overheard you talking with Jane in the kitchen. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but just walking in and interrupting you would have been awkward for all of us at the moment. I heard you say that you are having feelings for Bob from the Kentucky office. I understand that you haven't acted on them and never plan to, and it means the world to me that I can trust you so much. That said, hearing it did make me feel pretty lousy, obviously, and I'm wondering - do you feel disconnected from our relationship lately? Is there anything I/we should be doing to bring that excitement back for us? Date nights? A vacation without the kids?"

That actually sounds like your own fantasy - "DW; how can I be more hotter for you? Would you stop fantasizing about Denzel if I worked out more and gave you a nightly foot massage?"

Screw that shit. DW shouldn't be blabbing this crap to her friend, and putting it out there for her husband to overhear in any circumstances. He's entitled to be more direct and raw with her in sharing how hurt and angry he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heartfelt conversations, date nights, stepping it up sexually - all of that is great but she will keep fantasizing about the other guy because it's a forbidden fruit. I say this as a DW who is infatuated with another person. I will not act on it and your wife won't either, but that fantasy will always be there.

Does your DH know of your infatuation? If not, how would you feel if he did?

NP here in a similar situation. I guess hope he would learn to step his game up in these arenas. He seems to be satsified sexually and romantically by getting in bed and having sex- any kind, just several minutes of grinding away. I'm not. I require some romance, date nights, and foreplay. I wonder how many men have wives who fantasize about others because they aren't satisfying her.

This. Sex is sex. I like it, but it becomes a chore if I'm not being romanced. Just wanting my body doesn't make me feel desired, it makes me feel like a means to an end. Take some time out of the bedroom to make me feel loved and wanted for more than a warm wet hole.

Exactly. I am not a masturbation aid. It takes 20 mins of foreplay for most women to become fully aroused and get the natural lube that will make sex feel the best. I wonder how many men who complain about sexless marriage give their women 20 min of foreplay each time- I am guessing very few.

Yep. I agree with you there. It's totally within their power to change this... but most of them don't want to do the work.

[Anonymous]

OP here, yes it occurred to me that there may be a problem in the bedroom, thanks.

The advice about not being confrontational is some I will take if I bring it up. I should also have said that this time period for DW overlaps with, but predates by a few weeks (I think, exact timeline iffy) her discovering that my gambling habit was more expensive than I had let on. Not "we can't afford it" expensive but it had reached the level of where we usually make joint decisions to spend (or lose, in my case) that kind of money.

So perhaps that pushed a regular fantasy over the edge as a kind of reaction to my gambling. But I would have expected a reaction that was a little more related to what I did (like going overboard on a new wardrobe).

Thinking about this more today, the other thing that is really bothering me about this is that when I've seen DW and OM interact their chemistry was palpable. So much so that I've almost said something even before this conversation. This precedes the fantasy by quite some time it seems, or the fantasy has been going on even longer than DW was willing to tell BFF about. So, another reason it's eating at me, and also an indication that there is an actual emotional connection there rather than just an imagined affair in DW's head (and also perhaps an indication that OM might be amenable).

Does all that change the calculus for those of you out there? It's pushing me towards talking about it with DW. But does that make her more or less likely to drop thoughts about OM? Echoing the forbidden fruit comment above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heartfelt conversations, date nights, stepping it up sexually - all of that is great but she will keep fantasizing about the other guy because it's a forbidden fruit. I say this as a DW who is infatuated with another person. I will not act on it and your wife won't either, but that fantasy will always be there.

Does your DH know of your infatuation? If not, how would you feel if he did?

NP here in a similar situation. I guess hope he would learn to step his game up in these arenas. He seems to be satsified sexually and romantically by getting in bed and having sex- any kind, just several minutes of grinding away. I'm not. I require some romance, date nights, and foreplay. I wonder how many men have wives who fantasize about others because they aren't satisfying her.

This. Sex is sex. I like it, but it becomes a chore if I'm not being romanced. Just wanting my body doesn't make me feel desired, it makes me feel like a means to an end. Take some time out of the bedroom to make me feel loved and wanted for more than a warm wet hole.

Exactly. I am not a masturbation aid. It takes 20 mins of foreplay for most women to become fully aroused and get the natural lube that will make sex feel the best. I wonder how many men who complain about sexless marriage give their women 20 min of foreplay each time- I am guessing very few.

Yep. I agree with you there. It's totally within their power to change this... but most of them don't want to do the work.

It's a two-way street.

[Anonymous]

Could be a fantasy to escape your gambling addiction.

[Anonymous]

File it away. Bring it out when she least expects it. Next time you have sex just before pentration say "is this what you want OM to do to you?" Then leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be a fantasy to escape your gambling addiction.

I really doubt that this is a response to your gambling. A more appropriate response would be for her to buy a dress, not to start fantasizing.
This actually could be an opportunity for both of you to reset your relationship - I would suggest talking to her, outlining briefly what you heard, and then say that you realize that things need to be different. Enlist a marriage counselor to be a neutral third party through this.
If you get angry, your relationship could end up worse than where it is now.
If you keep it bottled up, it will eat away at your trust.

[Anonymous]

Given the new info you posted, I would HIGHLY suggest stepping your game up in the bedroom, OP. I dont know if it has to do with your gambling addiction. It just sounds like they have banging chemistry and are super tempted.

If you dont start turning her on, you may become a footnote in the epic love story of DW and her coworker. Like the Jenn Aniston in the Brangelina story...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the new info you posted, I would HIGHLY suggest stepping your game up in the bedroom, OP. I dont know if it has to do with your gambling addiction. It just sounds like they have banging chemistry and are super tempted.

If you dont start turning her on, you may become a footnote in the epic love story of DW and her coworker. Like the Jenn Aniston in the Brangelina story...

Banging chemistry! Will have to use that.

OP - you new to bring this up. How long until DW has a few too many in the presence if OM at the hotel bar and then....? I

[Anonymous]

Generally Women look to step out of their relationship for different reasons than guys. 90% of the time it's not about sex but about feeling connected, being heard, feeling cared about. Women rarely just act out of lust. We are not really wired that way.

Another generalization: women's top five things they want from their guy are: conversation, affection, honesty, being a good provider, and reliability. How are you doing in those?

Talk to her, find out what she needs from you.

I just think bringing up the fantasy thing will end up with more distance created between you, has the potential to be a fight, and if its real, will encourage her to be more secretive.

Approach her with acceptance and love. Build your connection with her. She married you. Remind her of the positive things that you feel about her and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally Women look to step out of their relationship for different reasons than guys. 90% of the time it's not about sex but about feeling connected, being heard, feeling cared about. Women rarely just act out of lust. We are not really wired that way.

Another generalization: women's top five things they want from their guy are: conversation, affection, honesty, being a good provider, and reliability. How are you doing in those?

Talk to her, find out what she needs from you.

I just think bringing up the fantasy thing will end up with more distance created between you, has the potential to be a fight, and if its real, will encourage her to be more secretive.

Approach her with acceptance and love. Build your connection with her. She married you. Remind her of the positive things that you feel about her and your marriage.

NP. You've laid out a course for OP, and in so doing, indirectly suggest that her attraction to the OM is through failings on OP's part. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on what responsibility or actions his wife should take. Because she has to have some role the maintenance and continued development of their marriage. She's not a passenger. That's why threads like this that can only present one side aren't that useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you.

+1

This is good advice. Direct and honest, but not aggressive and judgy.

Also, she technically hasn't done anything, and it sounds like she may never have, so be nice.

Exactly. Nothing wrong with fantasies, I'm sure you have some of your own, OP.

Who shares this shit with someone else, though? In that context? That sounds like someone seeking permission to act.

[Anonymous]

I think then gambling thing is a plot point too far, OP.

[Anonymous]

Quote: NP. You've laid out a course for OP, and in so doing, indirectly suggest that her attraction to the OM is through failings on OP's part. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on what responsibility or actions his wife should take. Because she has to have some role the maintenance and continued development of their marriage. She's not a passenger. That's why threads like this that can only present one side aren't that useful.

Reply: I agree with you. Both parties have a responsibility to maintain the partnership. I started to add what the general list of the top five things that are common for men to desire from their spouse, but it made the post very long.

Affairs can have many motivations. I think everyone in a marriage has to deal with being attracted to someone else. It's not where most women act. It is admittedly a generalization.

For me being in a long term marriage has really enriched my life, and I think it's worth investing in treating your spouse well......both spouses.