Christmas family split dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

Except that YOUR parents invited themselves to your home for "weeks" Weeks! Crazy. Your parents sound manipulative and you seem be too.

If your parents are OK with that, then let it go. It isn't rude if they are genuinely OK with it. This is their way of getting a near-Christmas time to celebrate with you. They will probably be just fine. It's more important to find a solution that truly works, than to obey conventions of rudeness.

+1 Unless your parents are like my late-MIL who would say things were fine and then vent for months to BIL about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman w/kids that is almost 50. I honest to Goodness do not understand all of this 'I have to spend this holiday with 'my family' and we have to spend this holiday with 'your family' " I really and truly do not get that grown ass people cannot decide how and where to spend Christmas. Neither my parents or in-laws have ever gotten in a huff because someone was seeing someone else too much or too little. OP you had the best solution when you said have dinner at your house and everyone can join. Really, a grown ass man is thinking it's not fair to his parents, really?????
Holidays are for enjoying with your entire family, not keeping a tally sheet. Grow up!P.S. I'm with the pp who said their family would have just invited OP's parents. My folks AND my in-laws would have done just that as well.

+1

Sometimes over time families have to adjust to different ways of doing the holidays. We have a similar geographic relationship w/ our families...when we were newly married we alternated Thanksgiving and Xmas. Once we had kids the Thanksgiving air travel became miserable and one year it didn't work to do Xmas day with the closer ILs (they are a 3 hr drive). So we decided all Thanksgivings would be with the ILs and we stay home for Xmas. We visit the ILs either for New Years or later in Jan for MIL's birthday. Apparently MIL hated this arrangement (she recently passed away) but too bad. You can do xmas just as well on the 30th as on the 25th. My parents come out to join us every-other-xmas, spending the alternate year with my brother and his family who live near them. We see my family for a couple weeks in the summer. For now, this works. I'm sure it will change as our kids get older. That's life.

Regardless of what happens this year, it sounds like OP and her DH need a talk about what THEY want to do for the holidays, trying to leave out parental guilt-trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have got everyone confused. What do you mean you "alternate holidays"? You alternate Christmas and your in-laws always get Thanksgiving? That does seem like your parents aren't getting much. Why do you never see them for Thanksgiving.

The best decision my family EVER made was to move our big get-together to August. We have a beach weekend, it is great fun, and everyone's off the hook for the winter holidays. Peace and joy is the result.

sorry yes. We don't alternate holidays, we only alternate Christmas. DH's family gets all the other holidays and then every other year my family gets Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have got everyone confused. What do you mean you "alternate holidays"? You alternate Christmas and your in-laws always get Thanksgiving? That does seem like your parents aren't getting much. Why do you never see them for Thanksgiving.

The best decision my family EVER made was to move our big get-together to August. We have a beach weekend, it is great fun, and everyone's off the hook for the winter holidays. Peace and joy is the result.

sorry yes. We don't alternate holidays, we only alternate Christmas. DH's family gets all the other holidays and then every other year my family gets Christmas.

I see. Well, it makes sense that your parents are not satisfied with this. Clearly, you need to come up with a better schedule. But pulling the rug out from your in-laws' Christmas in mid-December is not the way to go. Seriously, if your parents are ok without you the 24th-28th, take their word for it. Sounds like that's the best solution this year. You and your DH can discuss it in January. It takes some time and experience to get these arrangements ironed out! But it sounds like you both need to be better at communicating, planning proactively, and setting boundaries with relatives.

[Anonymous]

This is a recipe for exhaustion. Your parents visit for "weeks" then you head up the ILs for 5 days, then return to your parents in your home then go back to the Ils for another week.

I would slit my own throat with a butter knife first.

You need to tell your parents you're sticking with the original plan. This is not "their" year for Christmas, so they'll have to go it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have got everyone confused. What do you mean you "alternate holidays"? You alternate Christmas and your in-laws always get Thanksgiving? That does seem like your parents aren't getting much. Why do you never see them for Thanksgiving.

The best decision my family EVER made was to move our big get-together to August. We have a beach weekend, it is great fun, and everyone's off the hook for the winter holidays. Peace and joy is the result.

sorry yes. We don't alternate holidays, we only alternate Christmas. DH's family gets all the other holidays and then every other year my family gets Christmas.

I see. Well, it makes sense that your parents are not satisfied with this. Clearly, you need to come up with a better schedule. But pulling the rug out from your in-laws' Christmas in mid-December is not the way to go. Seriously, if your parents are ok without you the 24th-28th, take their word for it. Sounds like that's the best solution this year. You and your DH can discuss it in January. It takes some time and experience to get these arrangements ironed out! But it sounds like you both need to be better at communicating, planning proactively, and setting boundaries with relatives.

OP here. So I am the bad guy? This is just really stressful. We've tried so hard to come up with a better schedule but it doesn't work for anyone.

I just really thought spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with his family and then traveling back and hosting a Christmas for my parents was a great compromise. I just wish we could see them all at once. I have tried putting my foot down and offering to host, but neither will come at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a recipe for exhaustion. Your parents visit for "weeks" then you head up the ILs for 5 days, then return to your parents in your home then go back to the Ils for another week.

I would slit my own throat with a butter knife first.

You need to tell your parents you're sticking with the original plan. This is not "their" year for Christmas, so they'll have to go it alone.

Sorry to be vague. My parents are coming for 9 days. Not weeks.

We weren't planning on staying at the inlaws so long for Christmas, but Obama gave us the 26th off (we're essential employees and couldn't take off) and now there's pressure to stay longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. So I am the bad guy? This is just really stressful. We've tried so hard to come up with a better schedule but it doesn't work for anyone.

I just really thought spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with his family and then traveling back and hosting a Christmas for my parents was a great compromise. I just wish we could see them all at once. I have tried putting my foot down and offering to host, but neither will come at the same time.

I don't think anyone can really tell you if you are the bad guy. There are just too many factors. Your proposal does not sound unreasonable to me, but I can't see the whole picture. If your in-laws don't like it, they probably have their reasons. Is it a big get-together with many relatives, when you go to your in-laws? They probably don't want to miss that.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to get used to the idea of not making everyone happy. You need to sit down just you and your DH and decide what feels fair to the two of you, and makes the two of you happy. Then everyone else will just have to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have got everyone confused. What do you mean you "alternate holidays"? You alternate Christmas and your in-laws always get Thanksgiving? That does seem like your parents aren't getting much. Why do you never see them for Thanksgiving.

The best decision my family EVER made was to move our big get-together to August. We have a beach weekend, it is great fun, and everyone's off the hook for the winter holidays. Peace and joy is the result.

sorry yes. We don't alternate holidays, we only alternate Christmas. DH's family gets all the other holidays and then every other year my family gets Christmas.

I see. Well, it makes sense that your parents are not satisfied with this. Clearly, you need to come up with a better schedule. But pulling the rug out from your in-laws' Christmas in mid-December is not the way to go. Seriously, if your parents are ok without you the 24th-28th, take their word for it. Sounds like that's the best solution this year. You and your DH can discuss it in January. It takes some time and experience to get these arrangements ironed out! But it sounds like you both need to be better at communicating, planning proactively, and setting boundaries with relatives.

OP here. So I am the bad guy? This is just really stressful. We've tried so hard to come up with a better schedule but it doesn't work for anyone.

I just really thought spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with his family and then traveling back and hosting a Christmas for my parents was a great compromise. I just wish we could see them all at once. I have tried putting my foot down and offering to host, but neither will come at the same time.

You are not the bad guy. You are awesome., I would do the same. Take two cars and drive back on Christmas to see your family. Your husband can stay with his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have got everyone confused. What do you mean you "alternate holidays"? You alternate Christmas and your in-laws always get Thanksgiving? That does seem like your parents aren't getting much. Why do you never see them for Thanksgiving.

The best decision my family EVER made was to move our big get-together to August. We have a beach weekend, it is great fun, and everyone's off the hook for the winter holidays. Peace and joy is the result.

sorry yes. We don't alternate holidays, we only alternate Christmas. DH's family gets all the other holidays and then every other year my family gets Christmas.

Given this, your DH is being extremely unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous -- just do what you want. Let the other grownups learn to live with it. Sheesh -- already!! Is all of your free time/vacation dedicated to having to see either set of parents? That is is some crazy ass B.S. and I love my family and my inlaws.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So I am the bad guy? This is just really stressful. We've tried so hard to come up with a better schedule but it doesn't work for anyone.

I just really thought spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with his family and then traveling back and hosting a Christmas for my parents was a great compromise. I just wish we could see them all at once. I have tried putting my foot down and offering to host, but neither will come at the same time.

You're trying too hard to please your ILs. It's about time you and your DH establish your own holiday traditions. If that includes spending time with family of origin some years and some years not, well, that's what happens when children become adults. Your proposal was excellent. If that isn't acceptable, take two cars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course your in laws are pissed, they are used to having uou around ALL the timw. I think you are being more than reasonable. The rotating holidays seems rather unfair to your family. If I were you, I would want to rework the whole schedule. Obviously you will always see your inlaws more because they live nearby, but it sounds like your parents are getting screwed because the in laws are greedy. If you will see them for an entire week around new years, that seems to be quite enough family time over the holidays. AND you spend thanksgiving with them?? That is crazy. I would want thanksgiving with the inlaws and Christmas with my parents every year, or alternate holidays so one year your family gets the week over new years and the next they get Christmas.

its not though, and I say this as someone who is having a harder time living a 5-6 hour drive away from family the older I get, so I get it that it FEELS like you should get priority when you are the one farther away from family.

Here is the rub though, a big part of the reason people choose to stay closer to their hometowns is because they want a more routine involvement with family, that shouldn't mean you don't get special times with them too, in fact that closeness is part of the reason for staying close, to be close on holidays AND regular times. Its not unfair to want to spend a holiday with your parents or siblings just because you also have made choices to keep them closer during non holiday times.

Like I said, I am actually on the traveling spouse side of things and I don't think its unfair to my family if we are with DHs family.

[Anonymous]

You are not the bad guy, but changing things up mid-December is never going to be a popular move.

On the other hand, if it was the President who changed things and therefore your in-laws wanted a change, then you are on solid ground.

[Anonymous]

If your in-laws very often, they cannot deal with a last minute change that may mean seeing them fewer days or God Forbid -- not on the 25th? I cannot believe how immature some people are. S*** happens, roll with it.