Christmas family split dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it's his parents' turn to have Real Christmas, then they should get that. Your parents can have the rest of their visit, and Real Christmas next year. Yes, having them at your place on their own for a few days is a little weird, but if they're fine with it then it isn't a problem. Do you live in the city? They will probably just sightsee, eat out, etc. Or maybe you could leave your in-laws a day or so early.

Learning to be flexible about these things is what makes marriage and family a lot easier. People and families grow and change. You don't have to do things the same every year or follow abstract etiquette rules. Work out something that is fair and makes sense for your family's individual circumstances.

It sounds like the in laws still get Real Christmas, just not the weekend after. They also got Thanksiving and apparently a week over new years. I want to cry just thinking about spending that much time with my in laws!

But your parents got Real Christmas last year, and will get it next year, right? And did they also get this Thanksgiving?

If the problem is that it's too much in-law time for you, sure, I totally get it. But that's a different problem than you originally wrote. It sounds like you are struggling with your decision to move and with your in-laws wanting too much time in general, rather than the particulars of this year's Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I am a married woman w/kids that is almost 50. I honest to Goodness do not understand all of this 'I have to spend this holiday with 'my family' and we have to spend this holiday with 'your family' " I really and truly do not get that grown ass people cannot decide how and where to spend Christmas. Neither my parents or in-laws have ever gotten in a huff because someone was seeing someone else too much or too little. OP you had the best solution when you said have dinner at your house and everyone can join. Really, a grown ass man is thinking it's not fair to his parents, really?????
Holidays are for enjoying with your entire family, not keeping a tally sheet. Grow up!P.S. I'm with the pp who said their family would have just invited OP's parents. My folks AND my in-laws would have done just that as well.

[Anonymous]

You need to look at an entire 2-year cycle and make sure it's fair to everyone on that level. It's clearly about a lot more than just this Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Have Christmas at home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Their whole reason for coming was so they weren't alone in their house on Christmas Eve/Christmas.

I've never said no to anyone asking to visit because we enjoy hosting so much.

Do they not understand that kids grown up and get married? Are you an only child? It isn't your fault that they're alone-- when I'm at my in-laws, my parents arrange to spend time with friends or other relatives.

Do his parents also not understand that?

[Anonymous]

Since when are the holidays something to give to someone?
Isn't that something you decide how you want to spend it?

[Anonymous]

OP, you have got everyone confused. What do you mean you "alternate holidays"? You alternate Christmas and your in-laws always get Thanksgiving? That does seem like your parents aren't getting much. Why do you never see them for Thanksgiving.

The best decision my family EVER made was to move our big get-together to August. We have a beach weekend, it is great fun, and everyone's off the hook for the winter holidays. Peace and joy is the result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I'm extremely frustrated not getting to see my family more. But it was my choice in moving here far from them. I also shouldn't hold it against DH's family that they live closer and we can see them more often. Our normal compromise is that we see DH's family for 90% of holidays (but rarely use annual leave), but every other Christmas when we see my family we travel for 9 days (to make the tickets worth it). DH's family hasn't ever stayed at our home, but my parents do visit us a few times a year and stay with us.

Sounds like they are making you feel very guilty. If your parents hadn't said they were lonely, would you still be unhappy with the arrangement? Or is this a case of you shouldering the happiness burden for everyone?

[Anonymous]

your parents are coming to visit "for a few weeks"?! I suspect you are overly assumptive about how great your husband thinks having your family around is. A "few weeks" is too long and it's ridiculous that you think only spending 3 days with his family is sufficient in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your parents are coming to visit "for a few weeks"?! I suspect you are overly assumptive about how great your husband thinks having your family around is. A "few weeks" is too long and it's ridiculous that you think only spending 3 days with his family is sufficient in comparison.

My mom has come to stay for a few weeks, and my DH was fine with it. Same with my MIL, I had no problem.
But, oh, yea - we realize that we don't have to compare -- it's a family not a competition!!!

[Anonymous]

I cannot stand people like your DH and in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I do believe your parents coming to stay with you smack in the middle of the holidays when they KNOW it is your year to go to your in-laws is their way of trying to get what they want (get Christmas with you every year). They are not playing fair and you need to prioritize and honor the agreement...the alternating Christmases. Also, why can't your parents drive two hours to visit your in-laws for an afternoon as a means to get everyone thinking of one another as a single family rather than these seperate sets of families that you are perpetuating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

Except that YOUR parents invited themselves to your home for "weeks" Weeks! Crazy. Your parents sound manipulative and you seem be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

Except that YOUR parents invited themselves to your home for "weeks" Weeks! Crazy. Your parents sound manipulative and you seem be too.

If your parents are OK with that, then let it go. It isn't rude if they are genuinely OK with it. This is their way of getting a near-Christmas time to celebrate with you. They will probably be just fine. It's more important to find a solution that truly works, than to obey conventions of rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do believe your parents coming to stay with you smack in the middle of the holidays when they KNOW it is your year to go to your in-laws is their way of trying to get what they want (get Christmas with you every year). They are not playing fair and you need to prioritize and honor the agreement...the alternating Christmases. Also, why can't your parents drive two hours to visit your in-laws for an afternoon as a means to get everyone thinking of one another as a single family rather than these seperate sets of families that you are perpetuating.

It sounds like they weren't invited.