Christmas family split dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

This would be extremely rude and unacceptable after they have flown out to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with DH on this one. You had a plan in place and then you, unilaterally, changed it without asking him. It doesn't matter that you see them all the time, etc.

The major error here was in not talking to DH about it first before you told your family it was OK. If you had, you two could have come up with a solution he was on board with and could have better sold it to his family.

This. You made a mistake of promising something that affected many people without consulting any of them. There were regularly holiday plans, that some of your in laws family may have been planning around for some time and then you unilaterally decided to change things without even consulting your husband? Even when my parents want to make a change, I say "I understand. Let me talk to <spouse> and we'll see if we can figure something out and I'll get back to you."

Marriage is a partnership. You elevated yourself above partner and expect him to just accept what you did even though it affects his family too.

In our family, my brother wants to stay home for Christmas so that my nieces are in the same town with both families (both of them have remarried and live closeby). So, my family is coming up for the week after Christmas through New Year's to celebrate. For us, the key is not the day in particular, but the event of spending a holiday together as a family. We'll have our big "Christmas dinner" on Saturday the 27th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH thinks it's not fair we can't spend the 24th-28th with his family and thinks that this isn't a good split. We see his family at least every month, so I don't see why 2 days isn't enough time for Christmas with them. DH also thinks this is my parents trying to steal Christmas from his parents. My parents are upset we spend every other holiday including Thanksgiving with DH's family, so they do think they deserve every Christmas. We've also received comments from DH's other relatives that they're sad they won't see us over the Christmas holiday since we spend the weekend after Christmas visiting. My solution was to invite everyone (inlaws and my parents) to my house for Christmas dinner, but that went over like a lead balloon.

I feel torn. I don't want my parents to be alone over the holidays, but I also don't want to be rude to inlaws. I really just want to be fair, but instead feel like the bad guy to everyone.

Why don't you suggest that your parents come in on Saturday the 27th and stay until New Years. You then go to your in-laws on the 24th and leave on Saturday morning gthe 27th to come home and be home when you parents arrive. You can even drive 2 cars up and DH can stay until Sunday with his family and you'll be home and can "celebrate Christmas" with your parents on Saturday or Sunday or wait until DH comes home.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did speak to DH before telling my parents they could come and neither of us could come up with a solution.

We're trying to juggle my parent's annual leave schedules with our own.

We also will be back up around new years to stay with DH's family for a week, so we do see his side and extended family often. (Just spent 6 days there for Thanksgiving) This is my only chance to see my parents until next summer.

I've thought about driving two cars up and leaving him at his family's house to enjoy the holidays with them. I'm still thinking about it. I have always wanted to host a holiday at my house though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with DH on this one. You had a plan in place and then you, unilaterally, changed it without asking him. It doesn't matter that you see them all the time, etc.

The major error here was in not talking to DH about it first before you told your family it was OK. If you had, you two could have come up with a solution he was on board with and could have better sold it to his family.

Pretty true here. Unilateral decisions aren't good ones.

How do you and DH feel, vs your parents and his parents? Are you frustrated you can't visit with your family more? Is there a way to get more time with them? Is he frustrated that all the time with his family is short and wants a few days with them over the holidays?

Figure this out between the two of you first. It sounds like both your parents and your ILs will complain regardless, and I think you and DH need a plan to anklet that too, which each of you telling both sets that you're doing the best you can, that you love them, and that hearing these complaints makes you feel like they don't appreciate the time you do have to offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

Why do your parents have to come for a few weeks? Why couldn't they just fly in before the holiday or after for a few days or a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

Why do your parents have to come for a few weeks? Why couldn't they just fly in before the holiday or after for a few days or a week?

Their whole reason for coming was so they weren't alone in their house on Christmas Eve/Christmas.

I've never said no to anyone asking to visit because we enjoy hosting so much.

[Anonymous]

Of course your in laws are pissed, they are used to having uou around ALL the timw. I think you are being more than reasonable. The rotating holidays seems rather unfair to your family. If I were you, I would want to rework the whole schedule. Obviously you will always see your inlaws more because they live nearby, but it sounds like your parents are getting screwed because the in laws are greedy. If you will see them for an entire week around new years, that seems to be quite enough family time over the holidays. AND you spend thanksgiving with them?? That is crazy. I would want thanksgiving with the inlaws and Christmas with my parents every year, or alternate holidays so one year your family gets the week over new years and the next they get Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I think if it's his parents' turn to have Real Christmas, then they should get that. Your parents can have the rest of their visit, and Real Christmas next year. Yes, having them at your place on their own for a few days is a little weird, but if they're fine with it then it isn't a problem. Do you live in the city? They will probably just sightsee, eat out, etc. Or maybe you could leave your in-laws a day or so early.

Learning to be flexible about these things is what makes marriage and family a lot easier. People and families grow and change. You don't have to do things the same every year or follow abstract etiquette rules. Work out something that is fair and makes sense for your family's individual circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with DH on this one. You had a plan in place and then you, unilaterally, changed it without asking him. It doesn't matter that you see them all the time, etc.

The major error here was in not talking to DH about it first before you told your family it was OK. If you had, you two could have come up with a solution he was on board with and could have better sold it to his family.

Pretty true here. Unilateral decisions aren't good ones.

How do you and DH feel, vs your parents and his parents? Are you frustrated you can't visit with your family more? Is there a way to get more time with them? Is he frustrated that all the time with his family is short and wants a few days with them over the holidays?

Figure this out between the two of you first. It sounds like both your parents and your ILs will complain regardless, and I think you and DH need a plan to anklet that too, which each of you telling both sets that you're doing the best you can, that you love them, and that hearing these complaints makes you feel like they don't appreciate the time you do have to offer.

OP here. I'm extremely frustrated not getting to see my family more. But it was my choice in moving here far from them. I also shouldn't hold it against DH's family that they live closer and we can see them more often. Our normal compromise is that we see DH's family for 90% of holidays (but rarely use annual leave), but every other Christmas when we see my family we travel for 9 days (to make the tickets worth it). DH's family hasn't ever stayed at our home, but my parents do visit us a few times a year and stay with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Their whole reason for coming was so they weren't alone in their house on Christmas Eve/Christmas.

I've never said no to anyone asking to visit because we enjoy hosting so much.

Do they not understand that kids grown up and get married? Are you an only child? It isn't your fault that they're alone-- when I'm at my in-laws, my parents arrange to spend time with friends or other relatives.

[Anonymous]

DH is correct. if you want to change the rules then you need to talk with him and implement it the next year. So I would have told my parents no, that we had plans with DH's family but that I would talk with DH and maybe come up with something different for the next year. Your parents do not deserve every xmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

Why do your parents have to come for a few weeks? Why couldn't they just fly in before the holiday or after for a few days or a week?

Their whole reason for coming was so they weren't alone in their house on Christmas Eve/Christmas.

I've never said no to anyone asking to visit because we enjoy hosting so much.

1) So being alone in your house is better?

2) I think part of the reason you and DH hear so many complaints from family is from failing to say no a few times. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if it's his parents' turn to have Real Christmas, then they should get that. Your parents can have the rest of their visit, and Real Christmas next year. Yes, having them at your place on their own for a few days is a little weird, but if they're fine with it then it isn't a problem. Do you live in the city? They will probably just sightsee, eat out, etc. Or maybe you could leave your in-laws a day or so early.

Learning to be flexible about these things is what makes marriage and family a lot easier. People and families grow and change. You don't have to do things the same every year or follow abstract etiquette rules. Work out something that is fair and makes sense for your family's individual circumstances.

It sounds like the in laws still get Real Christmas, just not the weekend after. They also got Thanksiving and apparently a week over new years. I want to cry just thinking about spending that much time with my in laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did speak to DH before telling my parents they could come and neither of us could come up with a solution.

We're trying to juggle my parent's annual leave schedules with our own.

We also will be back up around new years to stay with DH's family for a week, so we do see his side and extended family often. (Just spent 6 days there for Thanksgiving) This is my only chance to see my parents until next summer.

I've thought about driving two cars up and leaving him at his family's house to enjoy the holidays with them. I'm still thinking about it. I have always wanted to host a holiday at my house though.

Wow, that's... a LONG time. They don't really seem to understand that they don't have a monopoly on your time - and no wonder you are having leave issues! I would give them Christmas Day, since you've already committed to it, and then call it a day there. This all assumes, of course, that you get DH to agree to it. It sounds like there might be some complicated guilt-tripping going on between him and his parents that needs to be resolved.