Christmas family split dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
its not though, and I say this as someone who is having a harder time living a 5-6 hour drive away from family the older I get, so I get it that it FEELS like you should get priority when you are the one farther away from family.

Here is the rub though, a big part of the reason people choose to stay closer to their hometowns is because they want a more routine involvement with family, that shouldn't mean you don't get special times with them too, in fact that closeness is part of the reason for staying close, to be close on holidays AND regular times. Its not unfair to want to spend a holiday with your parents or siblings just because you also have made choices to keep them closer during non holiday times.

Like I said, I am actually on the traveling spouse side of things and I don't think its unfair to my family if we are with DHs family.

+1. I have made a lot of tradeoffs to stay close to my family (and being close to the family is one of those tradeoffs, if you know what I mean) but I wouldn't want to get less time on holidays because of it. I chose to stay nearby in part to make it easier to spend holidays with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why a 2 hr drive away isn't a day trip.

Agree with this. My family is two hours away and we always drive home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
its not though, and I say this as someone who is having a harder time living a 5-6 hour drive away from family the older I get, so I get it that it FEELS like you should get priority when you are the one farther away from family.

Here is the rub though, a big part of the reason people choose to stay closer to their hometowns is because they want a more routine involvement with family, that shouldn't mean you don't get special times with them too, in fact that closeness is part of the reason for staying close, to be close on holidays AND regular times. Its not unfair to want to spend a holiday with your parents or siblings just because you also have made choices to keep them closer during non holiday times.

Like I said, I am actually on the traveling spouse side of things and I don't think its unfair to my family if we are with DHs family.

+1. I have made a lot of tradeoffs to stay close to my family (and being close to the family is one of those tradeoffs, if you know what I mean) but I wouldn't want to get less time on holidays because of it. I chose to stay nearby in part to make it easier to spend holidays with them!

So what? A marriage is made up of 2 people and unless you marry someone from your hometown, your spouse may be from another state. So you have to work things out and make compromises. Most importantly, you do not make it a competition and you realize that sometimes you may visit one side more often or plans change because hey -- they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
its not though, and I say this as someone who is having a harder time living a 5-6 hour drive away from family the older I get, so I get it that it FEELS like you should get priority when you are the one farther away from family.

Here is the rub though, a big part of the reason people choose to stay closer to their hometowns is because they want a more routine involvement with family, that shouldn't mean you don't get special times with them too, in fact that closeness is part of the reason for staying close, to be close on holidays AND regular times. Its not unfair to want to spend a holiday with your parents or siblings just because you also have made choices to keep them closer during non holiday times.

Like I said, I am actually on the traveling spouse side of things and I don't think its unfair to my family if we are with DHs family.

+1. I have made a lot of tradeoffs to stay close to my family (and being close to the family is one of those tradeoffs, if you know what I mean) but I wouldn't want to get less time on holidays because of it. I chose to stay nearby in part to make it easier to spend holidays with them!

So your DH never gets to visit or see his family for the holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
its not though, and I say this as someone who is having a harder time living a 5-6 hour drive away from family the older I get, so I get it that it FEELS like you should get priority when you are the one farther away from family.

Here is the rub though, a big part of the reason people choose to stay closer to their hometowns is because they want a more routine involvement with family, that shouldn't mean you don't get special times with them too, in fact that closeness is part of the reason for staying close, to be close on holidays AND regular times. Its not unfair to want to spend a holiday with your parents or siblings just because you also have made choices to keep them closer during non holiday times.

Like I said, I am actually on the traveling spouse side of things and I don't think its unfair to my family if we are with DHs family.

+1. I have made a lot of tradeoffs to stay close to my family (and being close to the family is one of those tradeoffs, if you know what I mean) but I wouldn't want to get less time on holidays because of it. I chose to stay nearby in part to make it easier to spend holidays with them!

So your DH never gets to visit or see his family for the holidays?

Of course he does. But I get some holidays too. He doesn't get to have the lion's share of the holidays because we see my family more on the non-holiday weekends. Things have been off lately due to new babies in quick succession, we are just doing the best we can with each holiday. I'm just saying, it's a choice and a sacrifice that I made to stay close to family, it's not like it just magically happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a recipe for exhaustion. Your parents visit for "weeks" then you head up the ILs for 5 days, then return to your parents in your home then go back to the Ils for another week.

I would slit my own throat with a butter knife first.

You need to tell your parents you're sticking with the original plan. This is not "their" year for Christmas, so they'll have to go it alone.

Sorry to be vague. My parents are coming for 9 days. Not weeks.

We weren't planning on staying at the inlaws so long for Christmas, but Obama gave us the 26th off (we're essential employees and couldn't take off) and now there's pressure to stay longer.

I think you need to put your foot down about only seeing the in laws for a couple days over Christmas. You saw them at thanksgiving, you'll see them again over new years. That is plenty! Plus it doesn't sound like spending the weekend after Christmas is some long standing family tradition and you're just now pulling the plug. Obama just gave you the day off a few days ago! And these people make you come to them to have a second Christmas on years that it's your family's turn?? They seriously seem like bullies. See them for Christmas as planned and then har a second Christmas with your family. They make you do the same thing for them so surely they will understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a recipe for exhaustion. Your parents visit for "weeks" then you head up the ILs for 5 days, then return to your parents in your home then go back to the Ils for another week.

I would slit my own throat with a butter knife first.

You need to tell your parents you're sticking with the original plan. This is not "their" year for Christmas, so they'll have to go it alone.

Sorry to be vague. My parents are coming for 9 days. Not weeks.

We weren't planning on staying at the inlaws so long for Christmas, but Obama gave us the 26th off (we're essential employees and couldn't take off) and now there's pressure to stay longer.

Your parents are coming for 9 days, and you'll be gone for four of them, including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Your parents need to stay home, or go home the day you leave for the ILs, as planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why a 2 hr drive away isn't a day trip.

Agree with this. My family is two hours away and we always drive home.

+1. My family is also two hours away and holidays are day trips. There is no reason to stay there for days. Why can't you ever see your family on Thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

Start your own traditions.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws seem to be a little selfish about claiming most of the holidays. That said, you need to stop trying to please everybody and be more decisive.

Your in-laws have had the better deal, so giving your parents a turn now would probably make you feel that things were more balanced. In-laws are nice but sometimes you just need to hang with your own parents. Taking two cars like the PP's suggested and leaving a little earlier make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it's his parents' turn to have Real Christmas, then they should get that. Your parents can have the rest of their visit, and Real Christmas next year. Yes, having them at your place on their own for a few days is a little weird, but if they're fine with it then it isn't a problem. Do you live in the city? They will probably just sightsee, eat out, etc. Or maybe you could leave your in-laws a day or so early.

Learning to be flexible about these things is what makes marriage and family a lot easier. People and families grow and change. You don't have to do things the same every year or follow abstract etiquette rules. Work out something that is fair and makes sense for your family's individual circumstances.

It sounds like the in laws still get Real Christmas, just not the weekend after. They also got Thanksiving and apparently a week over new years. I want to cry just thinking about spending that much time with my in laws!

Me too, just reading this makes me want a xanax.

[Anonymous]

Last year my MIL and her mother who live in Spain came over to stay with us for 3 weeks (my MIL claimed her mother was dying, and she would never be able to fly again if she didn't come over for 2013 christmas to see her great grandchildren), my SIL and her husband who live in Hong Kong decided to come into town too since MIL was coming (but they stayed in a hotel a mile away), so there were tons of people here. My parents were a bit annoyed that it seemed like I was spending all my Christmas holidays with my ILs, so I said just drive up here to my house, I can't have everyone drive down there to you, I don't have enough room in my car (1.5 hour drive in good traffic), so my parents, my brother, my sister, her husband and her baby all came up to NOVA and were crammed into my house, along with my dog, 3 kids and semi cranky husband. It sounds like a nightmare, and my house was sure dirty by the time they all left, but it ended up being not so bad after all. I was worried about some potential arguments between the two sides, because thats happened before (the only argument was between my MIL and my SIL's husband, which was kind of refreshing for me not to be the only one annoyed with my MIL), but in the end I think everyone felt like it was nice to have soooo much family together. I barely had to do anything, all the grandmothers were fighting over who was going to cook. so I just read a book.

I can't believe your ILs wouldn't invite your parents to come. That's just wrong. Don't they have any manners or consideration. Even if hotels are "gross" in the hometown, who cares, they aren't going into town for the hotel. And if it is just a few hours drive, it can be a day trip. I did that for thanksgiving, went to my parents for the day. So your parents can either drive for the day or stay in a hotel, but everyone can spend the holiday together. What if your ILs realized a neighbor was going to be all alone on Christmas for whatever reason (had recently become widowed or children lived very far away), don't you think they would have offered an invitation to come over to eat or visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last year my MIL and her mother who live in Spain came over to stay with us for 3 weeks (my MIL claimed her mother was dying, and she would never be able to fly again if she didn't come over for 2013 christmas to see her great grandchildren), my SIL and her husband who live in Hong Kong decided to come into town too since MIL was coming (but they stayed in a hotel a mile away), so there were tons of people here. My parents were a bit annoyed that it seemed like I was spending all my Christmas holidays with my ILs, so I said just drive up here to my house, I can't have everyone drive down there to you, I don't have enough room in my car (1.5 hour drive in good traffic), so my parents, my brother, my sister, her husband and her baby all came up to NOVA and were crammed into my house, along with my dog, 3 kids and semi cranky husband. It sounds like a nightmare, and my house was sure dirty by the time they all left, but it ended up being not so bad after all. I was worried about some potential arguments between the two sides, because thats happened before (the only argument was between my MIL and my SIL's husband, which was kind of refreshing for me not to be the only one annoyed with my MIL), but in the end I think everyone felt like it was nice to have soooo much family together. I barely had to do anything, all the grandmothers were fighting over who was going to cook. so I just read a book.

I can't believe your ILs wouldn't invite your parents to come. That's just wrong. Don't they have any manners or consideration. Even if hotels are "gross" in the hometown, who cares, they aren't going into town for the hotel. And if it is just a few hours drive, it can be a day trip. I did that for thanksgiving, went to my parents for the day. So your parents can either drive for the day or stay in a hotel, but everyone can spend the holiday together. What if your ILs realized a neighbor was going to be all alone on Christmas for whatever reason (had recently become widowed or children lived very far away), don't you think they would have offered an invitation to come over to eat or visit?

Exactly
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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a recipe for exhaustion. Your parents visit for "weeks" then you head up the ILs for 5 days, then return to your parents in your home then go back to the Ils for another week.

I would slit my own throat with a butter knife first.

You need to tell your parents you're sticking with the original plan. This is not "their" year for Christmas, so they'll have to go it alone.

Sorry to be vague. My parents are coming for 9 days. Not weeks.

We weren't planning on staying at the inlaws so long for Christmas, but Obama gave us the 26th off (we're essential employees and couldn't take off) and now there's pressure to stay longer.

Backpedaling from "a few weeks" to 9 days seems oddly suspicious. Why such disparity in the back story, OP. I'm starting to smell troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like the most reasonable one of the bunch, honestly.

Agree. And why aren't your inlaws inviting your parents to Christmas?

Where would my parents (and their cats!) stay? It's a small town and in laws have a small house. I thought about this, but couldn't see a solution there. I also didn't think my parents would be interested in Christmas in a hotel (and the hotels are gross in this town).

So your parents fly cross-country with cats???