Christmas family split dilemma

[Anonymous]

Curious what everyone else thinks about this:

We alternate holidays. My family is cross country and DH's is about 2 hours away. My parents didn't want to be alone over the Christmas holidays, so they wanted to come stay with us for a few weeks over Christmas (we enjoy their company and love when they visit, DH included). I didn't know what to say, so I told them that this was fine. We would go to DH's parents for Christmas eve and Christmas and then come home Christmas night to my parents. My parents are fine with being alone while we see my in laws.

DH thinks it's not fair we can't spend the 24th-28th with his family and thinks that this isn't a good split. We see his family at least every month, so I don't see why 2 days isn't enough time for Christmas with them. DH also thinks this is my parents trying to steal Christmas from his parents. My parents are upset we spend every other holiday including Thanksgiving with DH's family, so they do think they deserve every Christmas. We've also received comments from DH's other relatives that they're sad they won't see us over the Christmas holiday since we spend the weekend after Christmas visiting. My solution was to invite everyone (inlaws and my parents) to my house for Christmas dinner, but that went over like a lead balloon.

I feel torn. I don't want my parents to be alone over the holidays, but I also don't want to be rude to inlaws. I really just want to be fair, but instead feel like the bad guy to everyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm with DH on this one. You had a plan in place and then you, unilaterally, changed it without asking him. It doesn't matter that you see them all the time, etc.

The major error here was in not talking to DH about it first before you told your family it was OK. If you had, you two could have come up with a solution he was on board with and could have better sold it to his family.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound like the most reasonable one of the bunch, honestly.

[Anonymous]

You need to approach it as such:

DH, the previous arrangement we had isn't working for me or my family. How can we include my family in at least one holiday a year?

[Anonymous]

If it were my family, your parents would have been invited to the big Christmas celebration at your ILs. But I get not all families do it that way, so I guess I see why your DH is annoyed. You all had an agreement sorted out and you're renigging on it.

[Anonymous]

You should have asked DH. Now he feels like he has to defend his boundaries, because he doesn't know what else you will agree to without asking him. I'm not sure what you mean by "we alternate holidays"-- would need to see the whole calendar to say what's fair.

When you don't know what to say, say "I don't know what to say. Let me talk with DH and I'll call you back."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like the most reasonable one of the bunch, honestly.

Agree. And why aren't your inlaws inviting your parents to Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like the most reasonable one of the bunch, honestly.

Agree. And why aren't your inlaws inviting your parents to Christmas?

Where would my parents (and their cats!) stay? It's a small town and in laws have a small house. I thought about this, but couldn't see a solution there. I also didn't think my parents would be interested in Christmas in a hotel (and the hotels are gross in this town).

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with celebrating twice? I think that's pretty normal. Is there a reason you don't like it?

Think about what people with divorced parents go through! Let me tell you, it's a huge pain in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normally when we see his parents for Christmas we don't get to see my family AT ALL.

When we visit my family for Christmas, his family still makes us come up afterwards (normally around new years) to still "celebrate" with them and exchange presents.

I sort of feel like my parents are doing what his family always does with making us celebrate twice.

All fair points. But you railroaded your DH before talking about all of this with him. He's apt to be defensive.

I have discussed this with DH. He really does enjoy my parents and wants them to visit. I think his solution was to leave my parents all alone in our home the 24-28th. It seems rude to me to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with celebrating twice? I think that's pretty normal. Is there a reason you don't like it?

Think about what people with divorced parents go through! Let me tell you, it's a huge pain in the ass.

No I have nothing against celebrating twice. Just normally we can't because we only have so much annual leave and my parents are too far for a second Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like the most reasonable one of the bunch, honestly.

Agree. And why aren't your inlaws inviting your parents to Christmas?

Again agree. You are right OP, and your husband and husband's family are unreasonable. They have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why a 2 hr drive away isn't a day trip.