Christmas family split dilemma

[Anonymous]

Carolyn Has had an article today that is at least loosely applicable to this situation:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-searching-for-the-formula-for-holiday-time-with-family/2014/12/11/2b7d8170-74e2-11e4-bd1b-03009bd3e984_story.html

[Anonymous]

There are many complications here. But you need to understand that you are an adult married couple now and you are not required to do Christmas and all Holidays they way your families tell you to. Your parents are coming from the West coast, so I would make a day trip of the DH in laws. trying to accommodate everyone just leads to craziness.

[Anonymous]

You live 2 hours away and stay overnight or for 4-6 days. I'd go for the day/night and go home. You see them monthly.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is no reason your husband couldn't stay Dec 24-28th with his family without you. You come home to your parents eve Dec 25. This unless his family makes your parents feel very, very welcome to join their group Dec 26-28 (with your parents staying in a hotel)

I think you can let others know - nothing will be exactly as they wish - your parents & his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Carolyn Has had an article today that is at least loosely applicable to this situation:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-searching-for-the-formula-for-holiday-time-with-family/2014/12/11/2b7d8170-74e2-11e4-bd1b-03009bd3e984_story.html

OP here. This was very helpful!

Holidays and traditions really just make me anxious and upset. I feel like there's no place for me in my in laws traditions and I still think of my family missing me and miss those traditions. This is our 8th Christmas and every year I swear it will be different.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Sometimes you have to accept that you will see DH's family the majority of the time unless your parents retire and move closer or you end up moving back. My family situation is different that while my family is maybe 5 hours away, my parents are divorced and my sisters aren't speaking to each half the time so getting everyone under the same roof here for even a birthday celebration for my child is a challenge. This doesn't even factor in the money aspect of getting here as in I would need to get a plane or train ticket for one, a train ticket for another, maybe a bus ticket for another. This also doesn't include the fact everyone works except one person while my in-laws are retired. Going there for the holidays is a non-starter because we would need to stay in a hotel. The only one with space is a hoarder. But despite all the issues I love my family and I do feel guilty that we don't see my family for the holidays ever.

So out of necessity I have adopted the attitude that the important thing is that you do spend time with your family and it doesn't have to be the holidays. I have tried, some years successfully, to have my mom visit on her birthday. Or maybe as someone mentioned you vacation with your parents around 4th of July and that becomes your tradition. If your parents are truly alone as in you have no other siblings, they have no other siblings and their parents have passed, and you are literally the only relative they have, then you may want to think about if they would end up moving to be closer to you once they retire. Likely that will be the only way to spend more time with your family and in that situation I think it is reasonable to expect that you would see them at least as much as you see your in-laws.

As for you seeing your DH's family after Christmas when it is your family's year for Christmas, I think there is an inherit unfairness. Personally, I think if your in-laws want to see you after you either just got back from staying for the holidays or your parents have come in town, they have to come to you. I also think if you are basically going to see them at some point around the Christmas holiday every year, it is fair that assuming your parents have the time off and can come see you, they get the same deal in the off years. Christmas means Dec 24-26th and if it isn't your year and you can come see us, you can come before or after and it may mean you overlap with other relatives coming to see us. A your parents may not be able to afford to do this every year, but should have the option. If this causes more drama then you stay at home and you host. I would have started that policy on the year you go to your parents because I think you have the moral high ground saying look, I just came back from XYZ, I would love to see you around the holidays but I'm not up for more travel, you are more than welcome to come here. Then the following year say look, we are having my parents come to spend post Christmas with us, just like you got to visit with us last year after we went to see them. I don't think the 9 day visit including Christmas is going to work because that isn't the same as seeing someone after or before the holiday plus that is a long visit. If you want to see your parents for 9 days I think you need to plan a vacation together.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to go through and read every response, but I would pull out the calendar and count up the holidays and number of surrounding days that you spend with inlaws vs your own family and have a number, like in 2013 we spent 6 holidays and 22 surrounding days w/ in laws and 1 holiday and 9 surrounding days w/ parents and show that to your husband. Sometimes people need to see it on paper to really grasp what is fair.

Also, why on earth are you spending so much time w/ his family at holidays? It's 2 hrs, go up for the day, nosh on some turkey, and go home. Weird.

I think you should take two cars to in laws this year, you go up for Xmas eve/morning, then home after lunch to be w/ your parents. DH can stay as long as he wants.

[Anonymous]

I think starting next year, you do Christmas at your own home and both your parents and in-laws come to your house for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

So, you spend all other holidays with your husband's family, plus see them every month, plus they get every other Christmas?

This was me and my husband before we had kids...and let me tell you, I think you need to ease out of this schedule before the kids come along.

We didn't and it's now causing a lot of resentment--my in laws now assume that we will see them for every holiday, plus our birthdays, plus their birthdays, plus the kids' birthdays, plus regular visits and we can no longer live up to that schedule.

So, we are always "in trouble" with them, they are always complaining that we don't see them enough...it has become a burden to know that if we don't show up at their house for every random special day that they will be mad.