When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These women who check out of the marriage when they have kids don't deserve a spouse. The same goes for men. Grow some balls, tell her that you are human and you need to be loved, and if she won't do it you'll find someone else who will.

Way to act like a child. usually, when this happens, it's because the woman is doing 95% of the child-raising, and the man is acting pretty much like another child himself. But, yeah, it makes perfect sense to put all the burden of the family on her and then tell her she "doesn't deserve a spouse" because she's not attracted to the loser "husband" who's completely self-centered. She DOES deserve a spouse. She just doesn't have one. She has a selfish, entitled roommate.

EXACTLY. *clapping in front of my laptop*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

So your way is: Do not address the wife's needs at all. Just demand that she show affection for someone with energy that she doesn't have. Anyone want to guess why she might not have it? Hmmm, there are a few options. 1 (and I'm putting money on this one) is that the husband is a lazy, selfish brat. That's how he comes off in the OP. Not very attractive. 2) is she's overwhelmed with motherhood (and these days also usually a job) and hasn't figured out how to be herself as a person and a spouse and a parent at the same time. 3) something physical or mental/emotional.
Or, in your preferred scenario, she's just evil. She just was biding her time until she had kids so she could be an admittedly wonderful mother but destabilize her family by mistreating her husband. Does that make sense to you? Not logical, right?
So it makes much more sense to try to address the root causes of her detachment rather than call her fat and threaten her, which is what the OP is doing. But given that that's his approach, I suspect divorce will happen and she'll at least be better off.

How about this option: she takes him for granted and familiarity has made her see him as a brother? Or, maybe she's lazy. She could make the effort to be affectionate with him but would rather not. Maybe her hormones are out of whack and she needs to ditch her hormonal birth control or get some testosterone. Maybe he's so overburdened taking care of the family's crap that she never gets to be excited by seeing him as a fun person -- so he should take some time away from the family and get some hobbies and lift weights?

Really, there are lots of possibilities and only a few of them involve solutions where he focuses on catering to her and making her life easy. If he's a lazy slob like in your #1, then I agree that he should cater to her more and pull his weight. If she's overwhelmed (and he is pulling his weight), then she needs to figure out how to balance her priorities - and being a wife needs to be one of those priorities. If it's #3, she needs to go see a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Very few of these comments actually addressed the OP's question...just sayin.

[Anonymous]

Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

So your way is: Do not address the wife's needs at all. Just demand that she show affection for someone with energy that she doesn't have. Anyone want to guess why she might not have it? Hmmm, there are a few options. 1 (and I'm putting money on this one) is that the husband is a lazy, selfish brat. That's how he comes off in the OP. Not very attractive. 2) is she's overwhelmed with motherhood (and these days also usually a job) and hasn't figured out how to be herself as a person and a spouse and a parent at the same time. 3) something physical or mental/emotional.
Or, in your preferred scenario, she's just evil. She just was biding her time until she had kids so she could be an admittedly wonderful mother but destabilize her family by mistreating her husband. Does that make sense to you? Not logical, right?
So it makes much more sense to try to address the root causes of her detachment rather than call her fat and threaten her, which is what the OP is doing. But given that that's his approach, I suspect divorce will happen and she'll at least be better off.

This. This whole story the OP is giving perfectly fits with the midlife crisis, "American Beauty"-wannabe narrative this dude is trying to create. The wife just cut off sex.... just because! For no reason! Just to piss off OP. There is no reason or logic to it.
Maybe whiny OP needs to sit back and consider his wife's life for once (WITHOUT trying to be passive aggressive and bash her appearance) and WHY she doesnt want to have sex with him. By all means, maybe he should take it personally. Maybe theres a damn good reason she is so physically and emotionally turned off by him. And that would be my guess from reading his posts, which might as well have been penned by a ten year old for all the emotional maturity in them. I feel bad for his wife. Maybe a divorce is the best option, actually...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

First three days in 17 years without kids? And you see no problem with this? And still think your wife is being unreasonable? Unbelievable.

And you never answered the questions of dates and delegations of household chores...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's ALWAYS the man's fault! These men! They NEVER do enough! Always wanting to fuck! Always wanting to drink beer and watch the game while we women are left to do all of the child rearing and cooking and cleaning. So what if I don't want to hold hands or show simple affection! He should be booking me massages, and rubbing my feet, and taking me on dates, and ...

I swear to God, it's NEVER ENOUGH for you women. EVER. If a woman posted this? How terrible OP that your husband never holds your hand! And never wants to keep his arms wrapped around you! How starved you must be for affection! He should be [insert list of endless demands]. I'm telling you, it's LOSE-LOSE, OP. You're a bad man for even feeling this way. You're a selfish and entitled jerk.

Newsflash: The OP wants to feel in love. And it sounds like he's talked to DW about it and it goes nowhere. You've got PLENTY OF COMPANY out there, OP. You have three choices: 1 - Talk it out and hope things change, 2 - Find a way to come to terms with the rest of your bland, affectionless, unemotional existence, or 3 - Leave.

I vote #3. But sadly, it will be #2, just like 90% of all "successful" marriages.

[Anonymous]

People, stop projecting your own crap on the OP. This is ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?



X200000000


Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.


So your way is: Do not address the wife's needs at all. Just demand that she show affection for someone with energy that she doesn't have. Anyone want to guess why she might not have it? Hmmm, there are a few options. 1 (and I'm putting money on this one) is that the husband is a lazy, selfish brat. That's how he comes off in the OP. Not very attractive. 2) is she's overwhelmed with motherhood (and these days also usually a job) and hasn't figured out how to be herself as a person and a spouse and a parent at the same time. 3) something physical or mental/emotional.
Or, in your preferred scenario, she's just evil. She just was biding her time until she had kids so she could be an admittedly wonderful mother but destabilize her family by mistreating her husband. Does that make sense to you? Not logical, right?
So it makes much more sense to try to address the root causes of her detachment rather than call her fat and threaten her, which is what the OP is doing. But given that that's his approach, I suspect divorce will happen and she'll at least be better off.


This. This whole story the OP is giving perfectly fits with the midlife crisis, "American Beauty"-wannabe narrative this dude is trying to create. The wife just cut off sex.... just because! For no reason! Just to piss off OP. There is no reason or logic to it.
Maybe whiny OP needs to sit back and consider his wife's life for once (WITHOUT trying to be passive aggressive and bash her appearance) and WHY she doesnt want to have sex with him. By all means, maybe he should take it personally. Maybe theres a damn good reason she is so physically and emotionally turned off by him. And that would be my guess from reading his posts, which might as well have been penned by a ten year old for all the emotional maturity in them. I feel bad for his wife. Maybe a divorce is the best option, actually...

Wow you are just so full of hate. Get some help and try not to give advice to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

i find this hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's ALWAYS the man's fault! These men! They NEVER do enough! Always wanting to fuck! Always wanting to drink beer and watch the game while we women are left to do all of the child rearing and cooking and cleaning. So what if I don't want to hold hands or show simple affection! He should be booking me massages, and rubbing my feet, and taking me on dates, and ...

I swear to God, it's NEVER ENOUGH for you women. EVER. If a woman posted this? How terrible OP that your husband never holds your hand! And never wants to keep his arms wrapped around you! How starved you must be for affection! He should be [insert list of endless demands]. I'm telling you, it's LOSE-LOSE, OP. You're a bad man for even feeling this way. You're a selfish and entitled jerk.

Newsflash: The OP wants to feel in love. And it sounds like he's talked to DW about it and it goes nowhere. You've got PLENTY OF COMPANY out there, OP. You have three choices: 1 - Talk it out and hope things change, 2 - Find a way to come to terms with the rest of your bland, affectionless, unemotional existence, or 3 - Leave.

I vote #3. But sadly, it will be #2, just like 90% of all "successful" marriages.

Guess what? Everyone wants to feel in love but sometimes when you have children thats more important because you have obligations to them to make their life a good one. If it was a woman I would be screaming about her for the same thing.... if someone doesnt want to have sex with you, they have no obligation to! That includes for marriage! Sex is an act of love... love that is created by both parties. If you are not getting love back from your partner considering what you are giving to the relationship and what you are doing to turn the other person off. Or question if there is a medical reason and be supportive. That's it! Same goes for men or women!

[Anonymous]

^^^^^ Hopefully your wife has some hot piece she is screwing too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, that's a lot of assumptions -- and all wrong. Venting? Yes. Revenge? How is an anonymous posting revenge?

Do I have faults? Yep. But I do the big things right. And I've put more than enough effort into my marriage.

But about my question: Are there studies of the effect of a divorce that happens after the kids are out of the house? Any data or real information (not that I dismiss DCUM opinions, but I'd like facts)?

If you want facts, try Google. If you want something else, try DCUM.