Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

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X200000000[/quote]

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming. [/quote]

So your way is:  Do not address the wife's needs at all.  Just demand that she show affection for someone with energy that she doesn't have.  Anyone want to guess why she might not have it?  Hmmm, there are a few options.  1 (and I'm putting money on this one) is that the husband is a lazy, selfish brat.  That's how he comes off in the OP. Not very attractive. 2) is she's overwhelmed with motherhood (and these days also usually a job) and hasn't figured out how to be herself as a person and a spouse and a parent at the same time.  3) something physical or mental/emotional. 
Or, in your preferred scenario, she's just evil.  She just was biding her time until she had kids so she could be an admittedly wonderful mother but destabilize her family by mistreating her husband.  Does that make sense to you?  Not logical, right?
So it makes much more sense to try to address the root causes of her detachment rather than call her fat and threaten her, which is what the OP is doing.  But given that that's his approach, I suspect divorce will happen and she'll at least be better off.
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How about this option: she takes him for granted and familiarity has made her see him as a brother? Or, maybe she's lazy. She could make the effort to be affectionate with him but would rather not. Maybe her hormones are out of whack and she needs to ditch her hormonal birth control or get some testosterone. Maybe he's so overburdened taking care of the family's crap that she never gets to be excited by seeing him as a fun person -- so he should take some time away from the family and get some hobbies and lift weights?

Really, there are lots of possibilities and only a few of them involve solutions where he focuses on catering to her and making her life easy. If he's a lazy slob like in your #1, then I agree that he should cater to her more and pull his weight. If she's overwhelmed (and he is pulling his weight), then she needs to figure out how to balance her priorities - and being a wife needs to be one of those priorities. If it's #3, she needs to go see a doctor. [/quote]

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