When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, that's a lot of assumptions -- and all wrong. Venting? Yes. Revenge? How is an anonymous posting revenge?

Do I have faults? Yep. But I do the big things right. And I've put more than enough effort into my marriage.

But about my question: Are there studies of the effect of a divorce that happens after the kids are out of the house? Any data or real information (not that I dismiss DCUM opinions, but I'd like facts)?

If you want facts, try Google. If you want something else, try DCUM.

+1

That "something" being savagery and vitriol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ Hopefully your wife has some hot piece she is screwing too

x2

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage. I was 24 at the time and my brother was 25. They hung on until we graduated college and got established, and then they split up acrimoniously. My dad has a girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom having a man friend. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof. I suggest that in addition to thinking about how a divorce would affect your kids, think about how it will affect your grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage. I was 24 at the time and my brother was 25. They hung on until we graduated college and got established, and then they split up acrimoniously. My dad has a girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom having a man friend. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof. I suggest that in addition to thinking about how a divorce would affect your kids, think about how it will affect your grandkids.

+10000. My parents are absolutely gobsmacked to discover they get less grandparent time as a consequence of their divorce. Yes, they are morons. There is no end to the burdens divorce places on the next generation-- until the parents die that is. It is just so awful having elderly divorced parents, makes caring for them much more difficult.

Take the longER view, OP. And don't throw away your marriage without sincerely trying. Have a real talk, with a therapist or without, and truly listen to what your wife says and try to meet her in the middle. It's a two-way street and what she says may be hard to hear. But if you want her to change, you must be willing to change too. Are you the world's only perfect person? I doubt it. So get ready to work on yourself and the marriage both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage. I was 24 at the time and my brother was 25. They hung on until we graduated college and got established, and then they split up acrimoniously. My dad has a girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom having a man friend. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof. I suggest that in addition to thinking about how a divorce would affect your kids, think about how it will affect your grandkids.

+100 for genuine perspective, and for answering OP's question.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm ignoring OP's question because it's kind of a stupid one. If he's going to wait around 10-15 years, he might as well try to fix whatever is wrong. And, if he can't, he should get out sooner rather than later -- I doubt being children of a loveless marriage does the kids any favors.

In terms of trying to identify what is wrong and fixing it, I'd recommend looking into Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life:
http://marriedmansexlife.com/welcome-and-orientation/

It has some good insights into what makes a man attractive to a woman and how to get back to being attractive to your wife.

[Anonymous]

"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ Hopefully your wife has some hot piece she is screwing too

Not that I'd mind, but she is overweight, dresses like a librarian (not the hot kind ) and can't complete a sentence that doesn't mention some kid issue.
Guys be lining the block for that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ Hopefully your wife has some hot piece she is screwing too

Not that I'd mind, but she is overweight, dresses like a librarian (not the hot kind ) and can't complete a sentence that doesn't mention some kid issue.
Guys be lining the block for that too.

Yup. Plenty of guys dont see her that way, I assure you.

What do you look like though? Chris Hemsworth/David Gandy doppleganger, I assume? lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

So your way is: Do not address the wife's needs at all. Just demand that she show affection for someone with energy that she doesn't have. Anyone want to guess why she might not have it? Hmmm, there are a few options. 1 (and I'm putting money on this one) is that the husband is a lazy, selfish brat. That's how he comes off in the OP. Not very attractive. 2) is she's overwhelmed with motherhood (and these days also usually a job) and hasn't figured out how to be herself as a person and a spouse and a parent at the same time. 3) something physical or mental/emotional.
Or, in your preferred scenario, she's just evil. She just was biding her time until she had kids so she could be an admittedly wonderful mother but destabilize her family by mistreating her husband. Does that make sense to you? Not logical, right?
So it makes much more sense to try to address the root causes of her detachment rather than call her fat and threaten her, which is what the OP is doing. But given that that's his approach, I suspect divorce will happen and she'll at least be better off.

How about this option: she takes him for granted and familiarity has made her see him as a brother? Or, maybe she's lazy. She could make the effort to be affectionate with him but would rather not. Maybe her hormones are out of whack and she needs to ditch her hormonal birth control or get some testosterone. Maybe he's so overburdened taking care of the family's crap that she never gets to be excited by seeing him as a fun person -- so he should take some time away from the family and get some hobbies and lift weights?

Really, there are lots of possibilities and only a few of them involve solutions where he focuses on catering to her and making her life easy. If he's a lazy slob like in your #1, then I agree that he should cater to her more and pull his weight. If she's overwhelmed (and he is pulling his weight), then she needs to figure out how to balance her priorities - and being a wife needs to be one of those priorities. If it's #3, she needs to go see a doctor.

She isn't lazy. He said she's a wonderful mother. No "wonderful mother" is lazy. None of the other options make the "tell her to lose weight and put out or divorce her" course of action make sense. On the other hand, it seems quite likely since that's his approach that he's a lazy, selfish slob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ Hopefully your wife has some hot piece she is screwing too

Not that I'd mind, but she is overweight, dresses like a librarian (not the hot kind ) and can't complete a sentence that doesn't mention some kid issue.
Guys be lining the block for that too.

Gee, I can't imagine why she's not interested in being intimate with you. It sounds like it would be an act of self-loathing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ Hopefully your wife has some hot piece she is screwing too

Not that I'd mind, but she is overweight, dresses like a librarian (not the hot kind ) and can't complete a sentence that doesn't mention some kid issue.
Guys be lining the block for that too.

Gee, I can't imagine why she's not interested in being intimate with you. It sounds like it would be an act of self-loathing.

IKR.... God he is lucky he found someone who would put up with his repugnant attitude. I would have sent his ass packing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage. I was 24 at the time and my brother was 25. They hung on until we graduated college and got established, and then they split up acrimoniously. My dad has a girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom having a man friend. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof. I suggest that in addition to thinking about how a divorce would affect your kids, think about how it will affect your grandkids.

+10000. My parents are absolutely gobsmacked to discover they get less grandparent time as a consequence of their divorce. Yes, they are morons. There is no end to the burdens divorce places on the next generation-- until the parents die that is. It is just so awful having elderly divorced parents, makes caring for them much more difficult.

Take the longER view, OP. And don't throw away your marriage without sincerely trying. Have a real talk, with a therapist or without, and truly listen to what your wife says and try to meet her in the middle. It's a two-way street and what she says may be hard to hear. But if you want her to change, you must be willing to change too. Are you the world's only perfect person? I doubt it. So get ready to work on yourself and the marriage both.

Good perspective here. My parents divorced when I was a teenager. Mom hates with a passion dad's new girlfriend (girlfriend is a raging bitch so she has a point). Anyway, my solution is to ignore both parents and get on with life and my family. So yes, divorce in older ages can still be a pain.

OP, my best suggestion is to get in the best shape of your life. You will feel better about yourself, you will get affirmation from outside your marriage. Maybe your wife will want to fuck you again if she feels that other women are noticing you. And if the urge to feel passion again becomes overwhelming, you will be in a much better position to either cheat or get a great new partner in the divorce. Take your resentment out on the weights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She isn't lazy. He said she's a wonderful mother. No "wonderful mother" is lazy. None of the other options make the "tell her to lose weight and put out or divorce her" course of action make sense. On the other hand, it seems quite likely since that's his approach that he's a lazy, selfish slob.

Wonderful mothers can absolutely be lazy wives. It's a matter of priorities. I'm a hard worker when it comes to my job but utterly lazy when it comes to, say, cleaning my car. I like and care about the former and am utterly indifferent to the latter.