He wants a divorce...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: focusing on one sole theory (which is probably untrue or why would he have married you?)

He told me he made a mistake marrying me and that he knew I was a total bitch then and should have backed out. And I'll admit I was at first - when I started birth control shortly before we married, I was nuts. I stopped it a year into our marriage and things were WONDERFUL. Got pregnant and had a touch of prenatal depression but nothing too tough, then the postpartum stuff hit bad. Clearly I'm unstable when it comes to messing around with hormones and I've connected those dots for him. He still insists I'm just a bitch and tells me he's only with me because we have a baby. It's almost comical that he can't accept the reason I'm like this is because we have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what if it's not PPD? What if I really do suck at being a mother and a wife and I'm taking it out on him? That happens, doesn't it?

No, you don't suck at being a wife an mother. I can tell you care. But could you try not to take it out on your husband? Can you vent to someone else?

I guess that's why I'm venting here. I really don't have anyone right now. I don't vent to him much, but when I finally let it out, it's bad.

What are you saying to him? Words are very powerful especially coming from the woman he loves, the mother of his child. Men view these outbursts differently than women do. I know that you perceive yourself to be the victim here, but your DH seems to be suffering a lot. You may not be swinging punches, but there is some types of mental abuse that leaves scars. Instead of finding excuses for your own behavior, you need to find ways to mend the relationship with your DH. If you can't say anything nice, then....

[Anonymous]

OP take advantage of the caregiver and have her stay longer when you get home so you can take care of duties at home or take a brief nap or relax and have some me time. You will be there SO much more for your baby if you do that. If you see a therapist they will tell you the same. No matter the cost. Do it for the next 2-3 months and then see if you want to continue. There are no "shoulds" when things are bad like this, except you shouldn't be abusive, and that means don't be bitchy to your husband. Try not to be. Even if you are depressed. Try to use I statements, as in "I feel x when you do (or don't do) y". Behind anger is usually some emotion like fear, worry, hurt feelings, feelings of unfairness. Take it down a notch and try to fight less with husband. Get a therapist pronto and work on making sure your basic needs are met--sleep, nutrition, exercise (!!) to help you out of the depression. It is wonderful that you are breastfeeding. It is very relaxing for your system and an important bond, especially if you are not always connecting with baby. But please hire the caregiver for more time until you are feeling better. It's a must. You need to recover from having to go back to work so early. That is a trauma in and of itself. You will have more fuel to truly see yoru baby for the delight that he is and for your husband as the enthusiastic father that he wants to be (even if he falls short on baby duties--that's the norm and not always the man's fault exactly). You need to come together with your husband. Apologize for being a bitch and let him know you will be trying to take care of yourself so you can have more energy to deal with problems. Good luck. You'll get through this!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what if it's not PPD? What if I really do suck at being a mother and a wife and I'm taking it out on him? That happens, doesn't it?

No, you don't suck at being a wife an mother. I can tell you care. But could you try not to take it out on your husband? Can you vent to someone else?

I guess that's why I'm venting here. I really don't have anyone right now. I don't vent to him much, but when I finally let it out, it's bad.

What are you saying to him? Words are very powerful especially coming from the woman he loves, the mother of his child. Men view these outbursts differently than women do. I know that you perceive yourself to be the victim here, but your DH seems to be suffering a lot. You may not be swinging punches, but there is some types of mental abuse that leaves scars. Instead of finding excuses for your own behavior, you need to find ways to mend the relationship with your DH. If you can't say anything nice, then....

Really it's stuff like I need more sleep and I hate where we live and miss DC and things like that. It's not really directed at him personally and I've never called him names or things like that. I think his bigger problem is that we're living like roommates and he takes that personally instead of seeing it as a season in life like I finally did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, he claims that people do this (the baby and isolation thing) all the time and I don't have any to be depressed about. He sneered when I mentioned very early on that lack of a support system was proven to be a cause of PPD. I really don't understand the purpose in him insisting I don't have PPD, but I'm just a bitch. Is mental illness that uncomfortable for people that they'd rather see the person they married as the face of evil? Because he's called me evil before too.

I'm a PP who has been very supportive of you, OP, but you do see that you are blaming your DH for your PPD, right? You have to understand that not even the kindest, most patient and understanding husband is going to take that well.

[Anonymous]

Really it's stuff like I need more sleep and I hate where we live and miss DC and things like that. It's not really directed at him personally and I've never called him names or things like that. I think his bigger problem is that we're living like roommates and he takes that personally instead of seeing it as a season in life like I finally did.


Can you try to have sex with him? It always puts my husband in a better mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, he claims that people do this (the baby and isolation thing) all the time and I don't have any to be depressed about. He sneered when I mentioned very early on that lack of a support system was proven to be a cause of PPD. I really don't understand the purpose in him insisting I don't have PPD, but I'm just a bitch. Is mental illness that uncomfortable for people that they'd rather see the person they married as the face of evil? Because he's called me evil before too.

I'm a PP who has been very supportive of you, OP, but you do see that you are blaming your DH for your PPD, right? You have to understand that not even the kindest, most patient and understanding husband is going to take that well.

I really didn't see it that way, but it makes sense that he'd take it that way. I was doing research and found it interesting that lack of a support system has been found to be causal, not just a correlating factor. And the support system the research talks about isn't your spouse, it's friends, family, and the healthcare system. I know your spouse can't be the end all be all as support goes. I don't know if I can apologize for it this far out though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, he claims that people do this (the baby and isolation thing) all the time and I don't have any to be depressed about. He sneered when I mentioned very early on that lack of a support system was proven to be a cause of PPD. I really don't understand the purpose in him insisting I don't have PPD, but I'm just a bitch. Is mental illness that uncomfortable for people that they'd rather see the person they married as the face of evil? Because he's called me evil before too.

I'm a PP who has been very supportive of you, OP, but you do see that you are blaming your DH for your PPD, right? You have to understand that not even the kindest, most patient and understanding husband is going to take that well.

I really didn't see it that way, but it makes sense that he'd take it that way. I was doing research and found it interesting that lack of a support system has been found to be causal, not just a correlating factor. And the support system the research talks about isn't your spouse, it's friends, family, and the healthcare system. I know your spouse can't be the end all be all as support goes. I don't know if I can apologize for it this far out though.

You CAN. You CAN and should! Why wouldn't you? Obviously if it's still on your mind you know it was a hurtful thing to say. THis is your HUSBAND and your marriage at stake. Pride and standing on ceremony should have no place in the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really didn't see it that way, but it makes sense that he'd take it that way. I was doing research and found it interesting that lack of a support system has been found to be causal, not just a correlating factor. And the support system the research talks about isn't your spouse, it's friends, family, and the healthcare system. I know your spouse can't be the end all be all as support goes. I don't know if I can apologize for it this far out though.

Friends and family is very important. Do you talk to them frequently? Try to think of DH as wounded. He is hurt and angry too. Try from this moment forward to consider his (reasonable) needs and what it would take to fulfill those needs. He may then be more understanding of your needs. I know that might not be the way things should work, but I've found with men that's oftentimes how it works. Talking to a therapist should help you. He hasn't divorced you yet. Even if it is indeed too late for him mentally, I would treat it as if it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, he claims that people do this (the baby and isolation thing) all the time and I don't have any to be depressed about. He sneered when I mentioned very early on that lack of a support system was proven to be a cause of PPD. I really don't understand the purpose in him insisting I don't have PPD, but I'm just a bitch. Is mental illness that uncomfortable for people that they'd rather see the person they married as the face of evil? Because he's called me evil before too.

I'm a PP who has been very supportive of you, OP, but you do see that you are blaming your DH for your PPD, right? You have to understand that not even the kindest, most patient and understanding husband is going to take that well.

I really didn't see it that way, but it makes sense that he'd take it that way. I was doing research and found it interesting that lack of a support system has been found to be causal, not just a correlating factor. And the support system the research talks about isn't your spouse, it's friends, family, and the healthcare system. I know your spouse can't be the end all be all as support goes. I don't know if I can apologize for it this far out though.

You CAN. You CAN and should! Why wouldn't you? Obviously if it's still on your mind you know it was a hurtful thing to say. THis is your HUSBAND and your marriage at stake. Pride and standing on ceremony should have no place in the discussion.

Not OP, but I would hope that if she apologizes that he would too. They obviously could benefit from couple's counseling or talking to a pastor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, he claims that people do this (the baby and isolation thing) all the time and I don't have any to be depressed about. He sneered when I mentioned very early on that lack of a support system was proven to be a cause of PPD. I really don't understand the purpose in him insisting I don't have PPD, but I'm just a bitch. Is mental illness that uncomfortable for people that they'd rather see the person they married as the face of evil? Because he's called me evil before too.

I'm a PP who has been very supportive of you, OP, but you do see that you are blaming your DH for your PPD, right? You have to understand that not even the kindest, most patient and understanding husband is going to take that well.

I really didn't see it that way, but it makes sense that he'd take it that way. I was doing research and found it interesting that lack of a support system has been found to be causal, not just a correlating factor. And the support system the research talks about isn't your spouse, it's friends, family, and the healthcare system. I know your spouse can't be the end all be all as support goes. I don't know if I can apologize for it this far out though.

You CAN. You CAN and should! Why wouldn't you? Obviously if it's still on your mind you know it was a hurtful thing to say. THis is your HUSBAND and your marriage at stake. Pride and standing on ceremony should have no place in the discussion.

Because I don't think that's his issue and I don't think he remembers - trust me, he throws stuff back in my face all the time and has never thrown that in my face except right when I said it to him. And even then he just yelled at me saying you don't get PPD from being isolated. So respectfully, I'm going to have to disagree with how you're seeing it. I truly believe his issue is he doesn't like just being roommates and he thinks I should be so overjoyed with having a baby that nothing else matters.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP tough love time. I was in your shoes (but with an amazing husband) and I was a bitch. My anxiety and depression (lack of sleep) had driven me almost insane. So I get how you are feeling. HOWEVER:

I see lots of EXCUSES in your posts. You have received many support and suggestions and I know you are overwhelmed and tired (but it sounds like your DC does sleep) but you need to make some effort to fix the problem. It goes both ways.

First- stop making excuses for the OB and not having a PCP. Call the hospital where you delivered and see if they can help. Did you deliver here? There IS a way to find out if you have depression NOW rather than waiting 3-4 weeks.
Second- you need to get into counseling with your DH if you want to save your marriage. You can bring the baby if you have to but life will NOT get better if you do not address your marriage.
Third- Do you have family? I did not read you mentioning them but I suppose they are not in the area? You need to lean on your family for help. This is the time you need HELP. If they wont help you look at your finances and get a helper during the week.

Listen, I feel for you I do because I was there a few months ago. BUT you will not get out of this without doing something about it. Stop the excuses and think about the next steps to take to get you and your life and marriage back on track.

[Anonymous]

How are you just roommates? And how is he sensing that is your fault? I guess I just don't understand why he thinks you are so bitchy and evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP tough love time. I was in your shoes (but with an amazing husband) and I was a bitch. My anxiety and depression (lack of sleep) had driven me almost insane. So I get how you are feeling. HOWEVER:

I see lots of EXCUSES in your posts. You have received many support and suggestions and I know you are overwhelmed and tired (but it sounds like your DC does sleep) but you need to make some effort to fix the problem. It goes both ways.

First- stop making excuses for the OB and not having a PCP. Call the hospital where you delivered and see if they can help. Did you deliver here? There IS a way to find out if you have depression NOW rather than waiting 3-4 weeks.
Second- you need to get into counseling with your DH if you want to save your marriage. You can bring the baby if you have to but life will NOT get better if you do not address your marriage.
Third- Do you have family? I did not read you mentioning them but I suppose they are not in the area? You need to lean on your family for help. This is the time you need HELP. If they wont help you look at your finances and get a helper during the week.

Listen, I feel for you I do because I was there a few months ago. BUT you will not get out of this without doing something about it. Stop the excuses and think about the next steps to take to get you and your life and marriage back on track.

I did set up an appointment for tomorrow. It's just with a counselor, but it is what is available now. I did not deliver in DC - where yes, all my family is - I'm not sure who to call at the hospital here.

As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible you have an untreated mental illness, or have you ever been assessed for mental illness aside from the self diagnosis of PPD?