He wants a divorce...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP tough love time. I was in your shoes (but with an amazing husband) and I was a bitch. My anxiety and depression (lack of sleep) had driven me almost insane. So I get how you are feeling. HOWEVER:

I see lots of EXCUSES in your posts. You have received many support and suggestions and I know you are overwhelmed and tired (but it sounds like your DC does sleep) but you need to make some effort to fix the problem. It goes both ways.

First- stop making excuses for the OB and not having a PCP. Call the hospital where you delivered and see if they can help. Did you deliver here? There IS a way to find out if you have depression NOW rather than waiting 3-4 weeks.
Second- you need to get into counseling with your DH if you want to save your marriage. You can bring the baby if you have to but life will NOT get better if you do not address your marriage.
Third- Do you have family? I did not read you mentioning them but I suppose they are not in the area? You need to lean on your family for help. This is the time you need HELP. If they wont help you look at your finances and get a helper during the week.

Listen, I feel for you I do because I was there a few months ago. BUT you will not get out of this without doing something about it. Stop the excuses and think about the next steps to take to get you and your life and marriage back on track.

I did set up an appointment for tomorrow. It's just with a counselor, but it is what is available now. I did not deliver in DC - where yes, all my family is - I'm not sure who to call at the hospital here.

As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

PP here. Ok great on the counselor. I am thinking when you are there they will be able to tell you how to approach your marriage situation. Because its not going to get better unless you really work at it and probably get couples counseling. We did that...prebaby thank god!

I had some issues post delivery and call L&D and speak to them and see how they can help you. My hospital was great when I called as an out patient and they might have resources or someone who can call you back or even come out to your house. Call L&D where you delivered.

I am sorry you family is not there...but if it makes you feel any better our family was here and completely disappointed us. It was an utter shit show I am still not over completely. Do you have a strong relationship with your mom? Can you talk to her? Can she come visit to give you a break so you can get some time with your DH?

Obviously you and your DH are having communication issues. Both parties are to blame. I bet he is freaking out because his life and wife turned upside down and the best thing he can do it blame you and call you a bitch. Is that right...NO but its how he is "dealing." And I am sure, like you said, you have been a bitch, but you have been through hell and you are scared and your life has changed. Its a cyclical blame game and it just gets worse. And since you ar eboth overwhelmed its hard to see clear and get out of the mess.

I hope the counselor can help you individually tomorrow and please ask about how to get your marriage back on track. If you want it to, it will. But both you and DH have to really work at it. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

Okay, now I get it. On both sides. You can't deny your husband (a reasonable amount of) sex and expect everything to be okay. I understand all your fears and I understand his stance as well. There are ways to have sex and not get pregnant (99% of the time) though I am not sure that that is really what you are afraid of. If you want to save your marriage try to give him what he needs. I am sure he is as stressed and unhappy as you are. He should be there for you when you are upset, but if you are crying all the time that could be more than he can handle. Medication will hopefully help with your emotions. Ask your psychiatrist about a mood stabilizer. The sex part you are going to have to feign interest in for now. I had to do so with my DH when things got tough because I saw (and lived) how bitter he was without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found a counselor with an opening for tomorrow. I guess it's a matter of calling the right person at the right time. Not sure she's the right person, but maybe it's a start. I don't know how to explain the time off to my boss though.

Omg and you're working while this is going on too?? Big hugs, Op. Tell your boss you're not feeling well and take the day off. Go talk to this person, they don't have to be the right person, just the right now person. Hopefully your dh said those things in the heat of anger and things will get better. I've been there in the black hole of depression, crying constantly, like literally couldn't stop crying, and had to wahm with kids at the same time. I got on antidepressants and felt every minute of the three months they took to work but I hung in there and one day I woke up in the light. I was happy to get up and I could smile and talk without crying.

You'll get there, Op, don't give up. In the meantime, take vitamins, get lots of sleep, try to exercise (lots of gyms have child care) as this will fight depression. Get some time alone, no matter how much it costs or who it pisses off. Trust me on this. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. Once you're happier everything else will fall into place.

And tell dh he needs to either be supportive or be quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

Have you talked to your OB about birth control?
Or are you planning not to have sex again? If so, that's something you really need to discuss with your husband. I've seen too many threads about sexless marriages and they sound like hell.

[Anonymous]

Let me suggest a book that might be worth flipping through. It's called How to Work on Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I had a lot of resentment towards DH about the kids, house, whatever. In my mind he wasn't pulling his weight, expecting me to do it all, and then after all that he wanted me to pleasure him! Talking to him didn't work and actually made things worse. Parts of this book helped me see things from his perspective and try some strategies for getting a happier marriage. We still have our off days, but things are certainly better than they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

Have you talked to your OB about birth control?
Or are you planning not to have sex again? If so, that's something you really need to discuss with your husband. I've seen too many threads about sexless marriages and they sound like hell.

The NP in his office suggested Paraguard so I can avoid the hormones, but that's not really my thing. Our plan was to use condoms but the failure rate terrifies me. DH is holding out that I'll change my mind about another baby and doesn't want to get snipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me suggest a book that might be worth flipping through. It's called How to Work on Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I had a lot of resentment towards DH about the kids, house, whatever. In my mind he wasn't pulling his weight, expecting me to do it all, and then after all that he wanted me to pleasure him! Talking to him didn't work and actually made things worse. Parts of this book helped me see things from his perspective and try some strategies for getting a happier marriage. We still have our off days, but things are certainly better than they were.

Thank you, I will check that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

Have you talked to your OB about birth control?
Or are you planning not to have sex again? If so, that's something you really need to discuss with your husband. I've seen too many threads about sexless marriages and they sound like hell.

The NP in his office suggested Paraguard so I can avoid the hormones, but that's not really my thing. Our plan was to use condoms but the failure rate terrifies me. DH is holding out that I'll change my mind about another baby and doesn't want to get snipped.

OP, you seem to have a lot of excuses for everything. Why you haven't gotten help for your PPD. why your husband finds you difficult. Now why you can't have sex.

If you're that scared about pregnancy, then a temporary, effective birth control option that's "not your thing" (such as an IUD) BECOMES your thing, especially since using condoms terrifies you. Or, you seek out dual contraception like diaphragm + condom so that you can feel more comfortable about risk.

If you're terrified of pregnancy, then sorry, but the onus is on you to not get pregnant. Denying your husband sex is certainly going to work to avoid pregnancy, but it's not going to do much for your marriage.

Asking your husband to get a vasectomy (a permanent option) if he does not want to is unfair, and withholding sex because of that is pathologically so. Especially since there are other options that have been offered to you, with less risk and permanency.

I think there's more to your story than you're stating here. Would love to get your husbands point of view.

[Anonymous]

OP, what no one tells you when you have a baby is the first year or two is hard, very very very hard. And, you are working an inflexible job where your boss doesn't care. Your husband is an ass. He needs to step up and help more with the baby and house so you can get some rest. He needs to understand that your body - emotionally and physically is still healing. If you do not have your own bank account, open one and start stashing money. If he is unhappy, tell him to get out, pack a bag and see what it is like living without you and baby. He is being verbally abusive and its not ok. No wonder you are depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me suggest a book that might be worth flipping through. It's called How to Work on Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I had a lot of resentment towards DH about the kids, house, whatever. In my mind he wasn't pulling his weight, expecting me to do it all, and then after all that he wanted me to pleasure him! Talking to him didn't work and actually made things worse. Parts of this book helped me see things from his perspective and try some strategies for getting a happier marriage. We still have our off days, but things are certainly better than they were.

I recommend this book a lot on DCUM as well. Part of it is hokey, but I really think it saved my marriage. It's a quick read. I think I read it in a day.

However, if you are in the depths as badly as it sounds you are right now, get professional help first, then read the book.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby is hard.

The first year is REALLY HARD.

Your husband is not understanding everything going on.

I think it's really possible you have some mental instability not related to PPD that you need to get addressed. Ppd is what it is NOW but you've mentioned it before with birth control and "pre partum depression." At some point it's not related to pregnancy or childbirth or contraceptives and is just a constant simmering thing you need to get a lid on.

You cannot deny your husband sex indefinitely. You figure out a birth control option that works and use it or, yeah, prepare for divorce.

There's a LOT going on here and I don't think either one of you are the "wrong" one. He's not understanding you and is threatening you. But you sound really difficult to deal with and have been for a long time and he's at the end of his rope. On top of all this, there is a baby. You need counseling and medication stat, and a birth control method you trust, and a marriage counselor to get things back on track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

Have you talked to your OB about birth control?
Or are you planning not to have sex again? If so, that's something you really need to discuss with your husband. I've seen too many threads about sexless marriages and they sound like hell.

The NP in his office suggested Paraguard so I can avoid the hormones, but that's not really my thing. Our plan was to use condoms but the failure rate terrifies me. DH is holding out that I'll change my mind about another baby and doesn't want to get snipped.

OP, you seem to have a lot of excuses for everything. Why you haven't gotten help for your PPD. why your husband finds you difficult. Now why you can't have sex.

If you're that scared about pregnancy, then a temporary, effective birth control option that's "not your thing" (such as an IUD) BECOMES your thing, especially since using condoms terrifies you. Or, you seek out dual contraception like diaphragm + condom so that you can feel more comfortable about risk.

If you're terrified of pregnancy, then sorry, but the onus is on you to not get pregnant. Denying your husband sex is certainly going to work to avoid pregnancy, but it's not going to do much for your marriage.

Asking your husband to get a vasectomy (a permanent option) if he does not want to is unfair, and withholding sex because of that is pathologically so. Especially since there are other options that have been offered to you, with less risk and permanency.

I think there's more to your story than you're stating here. Would love to get your husbands point of view.

Well, I would have said I have religious objections to the IUD, but I'd get flamed for that. So there. I'm too pro-life to use one. Flame away. We're seriously looking at only condoms or a diaphragm, both of which have abysmal failure rates. Yes, that scares me that much. My delivery was traumatic and I don't care to repeat it, nor can my body physically handle another delivery without good spacing. And since another pregnancy doesn't affect my husband's physical and mental well being, that's that. And I fail to see how asking him to get a vasectomy is unfair. And beyond the birth control thing, I don't have much desire to have sex with a man who calls me evil and a bitch. Yes, that flits into my brain every time he makes a move.

No, I don't have an underlying mental condition. I was fine while not on birth control, which was for most of my life - I only started it 3 months before the wedding. I was fine while not pregnant. I was fine while my hormones weren't all over the place postpartum.

[Anonymous]

See, I respect the religious argument. No flaming here.

You need to come up with something that makes you comfortable, without making excuses. Charting method + condoms = very effective. Charting + condom + spermicide or diaphragm = very effective.

[Anonymous]

Can you get your tubes tied?

[Anonymous]

I tried to help in my posts but you are full of excuses. Seems like you are the problem. Get some help.