He wants a divorce...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to help in my posts but you are full of excuses. Seems like you are the problem. Get some help.

What excuses? I made an appointment with a counselor. Grow up, or at least read every post if you're going to be accusatory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to help in my posts but you are full of excuses. Seems like you are the problem. Get some help.

What excuses? I made an appointment with a counselor. Grow up, or at least read every post if you're going to be accusatory.

Uh excuses about the sex, about your relationship, about how he does not understand, etc. it's all about YOU! That's the problem and you are too blind to see it. Have some compassion...your husband is obviously struggling as well.

You won't apologize as you stated previously, and it's all about you you you. Grow up!

[Anonymous]

OP, first you have got to stop treating your husband like a roommate and viewing it as "just a season". If you do nothing else, cuddle with him and hold him. Give him a blow job and do it like you love him not like it's a duty. Viewing this as "just a season" gives him no end point. I can see why divorce would look good to him about now. I'ma woman with a baby if that matters. Second, if you don't like where you live, figure out what lifestyle you do want. It took my husband and I years to figure out what we wanted. Some of it was due to poor communication and health problems, some of it was due to being new parents. You have a right to have the lifestyle you want. Whining about how miss d.c. isn't productive. Finally, you are making a lot of excuses as to why you can't get treatment. That may be behind your husband's cruel comments. He has a right to have a healthy wife and to see that you are headed in that direction. If threatening divorce gets you to get help, he may be justified. Serving you tea and toast in bed while you bitch about your life while withholding love and affection from him is not what he signed up for. Realize that you are treating your boss like your husband and your husband like your boss. Your boss can always hire a new employee. Your husband can't get another wife. You tell your boss you have a medical appointment and you go. You tell your husband that you want to be a good wife to him and if that means you need to quit your job, then that's what you do. Not all women are able to work and be good wives and moms. You may be one of them.

[Anonymous]

OP - Let's apply the oxygen mask rule here. You and your husband are clearly both suffering. He's lashing out at you, you're clearly overwhelmed and have some kind of emotional/mental issue (not intended derisively - I have depression and suffered from moderate PPD as well). Men can also suffer from PPD - it just isn't well known.

So, for things to get better, you both have to put your oxygen masks on yourselves before things crash. You've made a great start - making an appointment with the counselor. Because of my own history with depression, what others see as "excuses" - work, a dismissive OB, fear of pregnancy, fear of condom failure - I see as clear markers of depression doing its work: making life seem so difficult and overwhelming that even solvable problems can seem insurmountable. As for making this about you - well yeah. It is about you - you have come out of your pregnancy with a pathological fear of getting pregnant again; you can barely get out of bed in the morning; the first efforts you made to get help (your OB and your husband) didn't go well - and you're a mess now. That's why you've got to put your oxygen mask on. Remember - these are solvable problems! Try to take them one at a time, rather than getting caught up in all of them at once.

The next step, that I see (and I'm not an expert, just trying to be understanding) is to ask your husband for just 2 things. Remember that these are requests; you are allowed to ask, but you can't make demands. He's allowed to say no. Ask him first to apply the "if you can't say anything nice" rule - stop calling you names, stop arguing about what does/doesn't cause PPD, etc... This may mean he is completely quiet a lot. Deal with it. And be quiet back (truly quiet - try to let go of resentment - remember, you can't help him or your marriage or your child until you're better). The second thing to ask him for is time; ask him if you can revisit the issue of divorce in a certain length of time. Say something like, "I know you feel our marriage is a mistake; I understand your reasons. Can we wait 2 months (or however long) then talk about it again?"

If he can give you some quiet and some time, then you'll have that pressure off of you, and you can focus on yourself. If you start to feel better, then you can address the living as roommates issue - "I know you miss sex. Sex is hard for me because you said I am a bitch and am evil. It is also hard for me because I am afraid I will get pregnant again. I'm working on that fear. How can we get back to a good place sexually, even though it make take me some time?"

Your husband, on the other hand, is likely also in need of counseling and help; if you can, ask him to either come with you to your counselor in a few weeks, or ask him to see a doctor. Frame this as "This has been very hard on you, I know. Before we make any decisions, let's both try to talk to doctors or counselors about where we are. I know this will be hard for you. Would you try?"

I hope things improve, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, first you have got to stop treating your husband like a roommate and viewing it as "just a season". If you do nothing else, cuddle with him and hold him. Give him a blow job and do it like you love him not like it's a duty. Viewing this as "just a season" gives him no end point. I can see why divorce would look good to him about now. I'ma woman with a baby if that matters. Second, if you don't like where you live, figure out what lifestyle you do want. It took my husband and I years to figure out what we wanted. Some of it was due to poor communication and health problems, some of it was due to being new parents. You have a right to have the lifestyle you want. Whining about how miss d.c. isn't productive. Finally, you are making a lot of excuses as to why you can't get treatment. That may be behind your husband's cruel comments. He has a right to have a healthy wife and to see that you are headed in that direction. If threatening divorce gets you to get help, he may be justified. Serving you tea and toast in bed while you bitch about your life while withholding love and affection from him is not what he signed up for. Realize that you are treating your boss like your husband and your husband like your boss. Your boss can always hire a new employee. Your husband can't get another wife. You tell your boss you have a medical appointment and you go. You tell your husband that you want to be a good wife to him and if that means you need to quit your job, then that's what you do. Not all women are able to work and be good wives and moms. You may be one of them.

Did no one read that I have an appointment today?

I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, first you have got to stop treating your husband like a roommate and viewing it as "just a season". If you do nothing else, cuddle with him and hold him. Give him a blow job and do it like you love him not like it's a duty. Viewing this as "just a season" gives him no end point. I can see why divorce would look good to him about now. I'ma woman with a baby if that matters. Second, if you don't like where you live, figure out what lifestyle you do want. It took my husband and I years to figure out what we wanted. Some of it was due to poor communication and health problems, some of it was due to being new parents. You have a right to have the lifestyle you want. Whining about how miss d.c. isn't productive. Finally, you are making a lot of excuses as to why you can't get treatment. That may be behind your husband's cruel comments. He has a right to have a healthy wife and to see that you are headed in that direction. If threatening divorce gets you to get help, he may be justified. Serving you tea and toast in bed while you bitch about your life while withholding love and affection from him is not what he signed up for. Realize that you are treating your boss like your husband and your husband like your boss. Your boss can always hire a new employee. Your husband can't get another wife. You tell your boss you have a medical appointment and you go. You tell your husband that you want to be a good wife to him and if that means you need to quit your job, then that's what you do. Not all women are able to work and be good wives and moms. You may be one of them.

Did no one read that I have an appointment today?

I guess not.

Ignore him, OP (oh, sorry -- PP is a "woman with a baby" -- uh huh, sure :roll. When you get to "give him a blow job and do it like you love him not like it's a duty," it's a fair assumption that the rest of the post doesn't have any value either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, first you have got to stop treating your husband like a roommate and viewing it as "just a season". If you do nothing else, cuddle with him and hold him. Give him a blow job and do it like you love him not like it's a duty. Viewing this as "just a season" gives him no end point. I can see why divorce would look good to him about now. I'ma woman with a baby if that matters. Second, if you don't like where you live, figure out what lifestyle you do want. It took my husband and I years to figure out what we wanted. Some of it was due to poor communication and health problems, some of it was due to being new parents. You have a right to have the lifestyle you want. Whining about how miss d.c. isn't productive. Finally, you are making a lot of excuses as to why you can't get treatment. That may be behind your husband's cruel comments. He has a right to have a healthy wife and to see that you are headed in that direction. If threatening divorce gets you to get help, he may be justified. Serving you tea and toast in bed while you bitch about your life while withholding love and affection from him is not what he signed up for. Realize that you are treating your boss like your husband and your husband like your boss. Your boss can always hire a new employee. Your husband can't get another wife. You tell your boss you have a medical appointment and you go. You tell your husband that you want to be a good wife to him and if that means you need to quit your job, then that's what you do. Not all women are able to work and be good wives and moms. You may be one of them.

Did no one read that I have an appointment today?

I guess not.

Ignore him, OP (oh, sorry -- PP is a "woman with a baby" -- uh huh, sure :roll. When you get to "give him a blow job and do it like you love him not like it's a duty," it's a fair assumption that the rest of the post doesn't have any value either.

Agreed - the answer to not wanting sex when you've been told you're evil and a bitch? Suck his dick! Such excellent advice... [sarcasm]

[Cassiopeia]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As far as being a bitchy roommate, I don't want sex. I turn him down when he wants it. I am beyond terrified of getting pregnant again. I cry a lot and tell him he doesn't understand. YES, that's all I'm doing that makes him call me bitchy. Turning down sex and crying.No, it doesn't make sense.

Have you talked to your OB about birth control?
Or are you planning not to have sex again? If so, that's something you really need to discuss with your husband. I've seen too many threads about sexless marriages and they sound like hell.

The NP in his office suggested Paraguard so I can avoid the hormones, but that's not really my thing. Our plan was to use condoms but the failure rate terrifies me. DH is holding out that I'll change my mind about another baby and doesn't want to get snipped.

OP, you seem to have a lot of excuses for everything. Why you haven't gotten help for your PPD. why your husband finds you difficult. Now why you can't have sex.

If you're that scared about pregnancy, then a temporary, effective birth control option that's "not your thing" (such as an IUD) BECOMES your thing, especially since using condoms terrifies you. Or, you seek out dual contraception like diaphragm + condom so that you can feel more comfortable about risk.

If you're terrified of pregnancy, then sorry, but the onus is on you to not get pregnant. Denying your husband sex is certainly going to work to avoid pregnancy, but it's not going to do much for your marriage.

Asking your husband to get a vasectomy (a permanent option) if he does not want to is unfair, and withholding sex because of that is pathologically so. Especially since there are other options that have been offered to you, with less risk and permanency.

I think there's more to your story than you're stating here. Would love to get your husbands point of view.

Well, I would have said I have religious objections to the IUD, but I'd get flamed for that. So there. I'm too pro-life to use one. Flame away. We're seriously looking at only condoms or a diaphragm, both of which have abysmal failure rates. Yes, that scares me that much. My delivery was traumatic and I don't care to repeat it, nor can my body physically handle another delivery without good spacing. And since another pregnancy doesn't affect my husband's physical and mental well being, that's that. And I fail to see how asking him to get a vasectomy is unfair. And beyond the birth control thing, I don't have much desire to have sex with a man who calls me evil and a bitch. Yes, that flits into my brain every time he makes a move.

No, I don't have an underlying mental condition. I was fine while not on birth control, which was for most of my life - I only started it 3 months before the wedding. I was fine while not pregnant. I was fine while my hormones weren't all over the place postpartum.

I wouldn't make any decisions about permanent birth control right now. You have a three month old baby. For those of us who have been there, that says it all. Your hormones are all over the place. Your life has been upended in ways you could never have prepared for. You're probably sleep deprived. You had a traumatic delivery. Your husband is mad at you and wants a divorce. You're working and probably miss the baby while you're gone. Or you don't miss the baby and feel guilty about it. Your life is going crazy. Of course you're irritable. Of course you're tired! Sleep, which used to be such a basic, easy thing to get, is now at a premium.

Op, just know that you are not alone. Many of us have been there. Tell your husband that the way things are now is not forever. Ask for his patience with your moods, with your thoughts about future children, with your feelings about sex. Ask him to be gentle with you. Ask him to treat you as if you have cancer. He wouldn't be angry and threatening divorce then. He would understand your anger, your moods, your fatigue, your thoughts about the future.

In the meantime, seek treatment. Tell us how your appointment today goes. Keep going to therapy, I'd imagine once a week is what you need, and possibly some antidepressants. I think you have depression, which can be a lot like cancer, including being terminal. Be gentle with yourself and hang in there. It gets better, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Appointment was yesterday. I think it went well. She validated how I am feeling but also pointed out that I am probably putting the baby first, in a bad way. She encouraged me to see if he'd come to counseling too and suggested some other concrete ideas. I haven't asked him yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Appointment was yesterday. I think it went well. She validated how I am feeling but also pointed out that I am probably putting the baby first, in a bad way. She encouraged me to see if he'd come to counseling too and suggested some other concrete ideas. I haven't asked him yet.

A pp here. Glad it went well. Did you talk to your DH about counseling yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Agreed - the answer to not wanting sex when you've been told you're evil and a bitch? Suck his dick! Such excellent advice... [sarcasm]

OP you may not be in the mood now or ever again, but seriously 95% of problems w a DH can be helped w a bj. You talk about your hormones raging? what do you think his are doing with no sexual outlet for how long now? months? Neither one of you are behaving in a loving, nurturing manner, and it seems like you each want the other to make the first move in that direction. No reason to think he will do it, so you have to decide if you want to "win" or stay married.

[Anonymous]

OMG so sick of "people" saying the husband has no sexual outlet. For g-d's sake, this woman is in great anguish, let him masturbate for a few months. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG so sick of "people" saying the husband has no sexual outlet. For g-d's sake, this woman is in great anguish, let him masturbate for a few months. Sheesh!

It is not just the physical release of ejaculation. It is the self esteem boost associated with the physical contact of the person you love giving you pleasure. If you can't empathize with that you have bigger problems in your relationship.

Read the 5 love languages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG so sick of "people" saying the husband has no sexual outlet. For g-d's sake, this woman is in great anguish, let him masturbate for a few months. Sheesh!

And he is great anguish, feeling unloved and alone, with a wife who is collassally unhappy. Don't think he doesn't feel that.

Most men communicate love by sex. Period, point blank.

So give him sex if you love him. Worried about pregnancy? Oral sex. Mutual mastrubation. hand job. Help him feel loved and you may get something in return. Too many women use sex as currency, and it's not.

Oh, and I'm a DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Breastfeeding keeps me sane and stopping isn't an option. It's not an issue either, since he sleeps pretty well, waking up once at night to nurse. I love the closeness of those 2 am snuggles. They remind me how much I love him.

No family in the area. We recently moved from DC, so no real friends either. Perfect storm.

OP, my heart was breaking for you in post one. But each time you reply to the wonderful suggestions here (except for stopping the breastfeeding. It's a proven fact that nursing helps with PPD), you are one excuse after another. You're losing me OP