Becoming wealthy after marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I do agree we need to go to counseling, but that was already a decision made prior to this and unrelated to money, and mostly unrelated to his success. I think it would help greatly if my perception on roles, drive, responsibilities were different but that is obviously something I can't change over night. I do hold a lot of value in success and maybe I find my own identity to be highly intertwined with it, and so think he should to.

The issue with my career is we have had problems prior to money, and I just don't see it getting easier when I am now not going to be around. If you were in my position I think you would fear divorce too. Maybe it is that he wants to stay at home, and I just need to get my head wrapped around that.
The correlation of my career getting more concrete and his lessening motivation does seem valid. I guess I'm looking at it more from the perspective that he could have chosen the path to 3-400k.

To the other PP, in my heart I would hate to just have weekends with my kids, and I know he is in a better position to be around more than I am. And if I were a judge it would be a no-brainer to me to give my DH the kids. So I have that fact in the back of my head.

The decisions of gifts SHOULD. Be made together, but I doubt I'm in a position to say no. I mean look at the attitudes on here already, it will force it into a my money situation if he keeps pressing for some of the things he is presently. It's not even a conversation it's a "First, I'm going to do is get this for my dad, get this for this person, take this person here, give the person that". I, just smile and listen, haven't spoke up about it because I don't want to have it blow up into a big argument.



And no, I am not a dancer ha!

OP - about the "gifts" to family members - my DH is our primary bread winner right now, but in the past, wasn't always so. My aging parents have used up all their retirement savings (it was tiny to start with) and now live off SS. They need a new fridge. I told my DH that I wanted to pay for the new fridge and pay their property tax. I asked him if he was ok with that. He said of course. He recognizes that they have very little, and we have sooo much. In the past, I've worked to help him pay for his loan. It goes both ways. We are a family unit.

Are you more upset because your DH didn't ask you about the gifts? I can see why that would be upsetting. Giving $ or buying expensive gifts should always be discussed. But helping out relatives if you can afford it doesn't seem like a bad thing, does it? You said you too wish you could help out your parents. I think, though, you should tell him you want to discuss these things first before he goes off and does it. Maybe him rattling off what he wanted to do was sort of his way of talking about it with you. But, that wasn't a very smart way to do it.

As for his lack of ambition - I think you've answered your own question here. When you have both parents WOH, it's really hard. If one person is earning a lot more (as in your case), then it would make sense to me to have the other parent back off so he/she could focus on the home and kids. This will only help you in the long run, don't you think? Hopefully, your DH will pick up a lot of slack at home and with the kids. Each parent contributes in a different way. No one contribution should be seen as more important. That will create power issues in a relationship that is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Where do the kids fit in to this? If he were as "driven" as you want him to be, neither one of you would be around for them. You can't both do 80 hr weeks and actively parent the children. How old are they?

Are you a doctor? If so, I imagine much of your big salary will need to go to pay student loans. That should be a priority before gifts to family as well. Maybe you guys could go through a Dave Ramsey class together and get on the same money page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like the reverse of a man making it as a powerful attorney or doctor, then deciding that his wife, who helped him through med or law school is too old, doesn't work out enough for him to stay fit after having kids, so then decides to divorce for a younger model.

If your DH was an asshole, this would be a different story, but low ambition?

How many posts have you read on this forum where a women states her DH is saying mean things to her after she's gained some weight after having kids?

Did you marry him for his ambition? If you need him to pickup more slack at home, that's different. Talk to him about it. But divorcing him for a lack of ambition sounds much like a man divorcing a woman for gaining weight.

I don't understand why picking up slack at home is somehow more acceptable than picking up slack at work?
Some women want meant to be more domestic, I don't. I have always taken card of the home, because I am traditional. I am attracted to those qualities in my DH as well, the traditional male role. Why am I wrong for wanting ambition over him doing the dishes?

Seems like this is relationship dependent, and my perspective should to be wrong just because some women want the opposite.

How is it ok for a woman to not take on the traditional gender role (being a SAHM), but it's not ok for a man to not take on the traditional role of being ambitious and the breadwinner?

My DH is very good at his job. If he wanted to, he could make a lot more $. But along with that, comes more stress and working longer hours. Neither of us want that because we feel it would take away time from family. He makes enough to to take care of the family. That's all we need. I don't need him to be more ambitious so that we could have more $, and his identity is not wrapped up in his title at his job.

I think the question to ask is "why do you want your DH to be ambitious" and "how ambitious should he be?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do the kids fit in to this? If he were as "driven" as you want him to be, neither one of you would be around for them. You can't both do 80 hr weeks and actively parent the children. How old are they?

Are you a doctor? If so, I imagine much of your big salary will need to go to pay student loans. That should be a priority before gifts to family as well. Maybe you guys could go through a Dave Ramsey class together and get on the same money page.

Our kids have a bit of way left before becoming school aged. But in retrospect I've been looking at what he has had to do, and less of what he will have to do when they are in school, I'm gone, and household responsibilities have to be filled. If that is what he is prepping for than I can see that, he hasn't made any suggestion to it. He used to always say he could never be a SAHD, so I've been operating on the assumption that he stays where he is career wise, still works and we have to hire more help and depend on my family more to fill in the gap. I don't find that an admirable reason to remain underemployed. If I'm wrong and he is deliberately scaling back, then that's a conversation we need to have.

I have no school debt, undergrad was minuscule and paid off already, everything after that was fully paid by scholarships. I guess I don't have any "big" things to pay for with a priority, to say hey don't spend that ridiculous amount on XYZ. He has student loan debt but not a ridiculous amount. To the other PP about buying a fridge and helping parents get by, I can support. But the gifts if am referring to is related to his father's hobbies and likes, as well as his sister, his niece is more school related which I have no problem taking on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How is it ok for a woman to not take on the traditional gender role (being a SAHM), but it's not ok for a man to not take on the traditional role of being ambitious and the breadwinner?

My DH is very good at his job. If he wanted to, he could make a lot more $. But along with that, comes more stress and working longer hours. Neither of us want that because we feel it would take away time from family. He makes enough to to take care of the family. That's all we need. I don't need him to be more ambitious so that we could have more $, and his identity is not wrapped up in his title at his job.

I think the question to ask is "why do you want your DH to be ambitious" and "how ambitious should he be?"

Well simply because my DH did not want a SAHM, never did it was something we discussed very early on. My sister was a SAHW, then SAHM he has had a clear view of what it would be like and has never wanted it. I never said it is not okay for any man to do, I said what I wanted, expected, discussed and was agreed to in MY marriage.

I want him to be ambitious I guess because that what I've been raised to believe is what you should do. Of course it's colored by having next to nothing, and I never saw that as a problem but the reactions here have definitely made me realize that maybe it's not necessary. How ambitious? Idk, I've always taken the hardest part, again because of my childhood I feel I have something to prove maybe. I just always thought we were on the same page and he would always do the same. Maybe he has changed, and not due to bad intentions.

I've never heard of funsental values being something easily changed, and am not sure the role of a SAHD is something I would welcome with open arms.. Something to explore in counseling I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do the kids fit in to this? If he were as "driven" as you want him to be, neither one of you would be around for them. You can't both do 80 hr weeks and actively parent the children. How old are they?

Are you a doctor? If so, I imagine much of your big salary will need to go to pay student loans. That should be a priority before gifts to family as well. Maybe you guys could go through a Dave Ramsey class together and get on the same money page.

Our kids have a bit of way left before becoming school aged. But in retrospect I've been looking at what he has had to do, and less of what he will have to do when they are in school, I'm gone, and household responsibilities have to be filled. If that is what he is prepping for than I can see that, he hasn't made any suggestion to it. He used to always say he could never be a SAHD, so I've been operating on the assumption that he stays where he is career wise, still works and we have to hire more help and depend on my family more to fill in the gap. I don't find that an admirable reason to remain underemployed. If I'm wrong and he is deliberately scaling back, then that's a conversation we need to have.

I have no school debt, undergrad was minuscule and paid off already, everything after that was fully paid by scholarships. I guess I don't have any "big" things to pay for with a priority, to say hey don't spend that ridiculous amount on XYZ. He has student loan debt but not a ridiculous amount. To the other PP about buying a fridge and helping parents get by, I can support. But the gifts if am referring to is related to his father's hobbies and likes, as well as his sister, his niece is more school related which I have no problem taking on.

Once the kids are in school...... there really is not as much time as you would think. Sick days, snow days, teacher work days, Christmas weeks, spring break, summer break. School only covers 7 hours a day and full time work is closer to 10+. Then there are the activities, sports, scouts, dancing lessons, music lessons - tutors if they need it.....and homework. There are many days at the school where parents are expected to show up so see their child sing, recite, read (DR Seuss' birthday).........field trip chaperones, weekly reading buddies...... Many families find it easier to do daycare and both work full time in the 0-5 year old range and then scale back when the children hit ES. In MS and HS YOU WANT a parent at home since you will obviously be able to afford it. Not in their hair- but around.

Of course not every family does the above- but FAR more in your projected tax bracket do. It is the upper middle class lifestyle is a very different world from the one in which you and your DH grew up. Having a laid back parent ("with little ambition") at home is a godsend. Hire a weekly cleaning lady and a weekly mower- that has helped nearly as many marriages as therapy.

Have the talk about finances and have a plan for dealing with family in need. That is fine- but decide it together- don't dictate. It is you AND your spouse's money regardless of who brings in the bigger paycheck. Practice saying "our money" if you have to. If you do not see it as a partnership with each contributing differently- then that will continue to be a problem for you. Be kind, be generous, be gracious, be humble.

[Anonymous]

You could also explore separate finances. This would give DH some money to contribute to his family as he sees fit without needing to discuss with you and it would allow you to retain some money to spend on your family as you saw fit without discussing with him. Perhaps there would be a third fund for joint savings for retirement/vacation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I do agree we need to go to counseling, but that was already a decision made prior to this and unrelated to money, and mostly unrelated to his success. I think it would help greatly if my perception on roles, drive, responsibilities were different but that is obviously something I can't change over night. I do hold a lot of value in success and maybe I find my own identity to be highly intertwined with it, and so think he should to.

The issue with my career is we have had problems prior to money, and I just don't see it getting easier when I am now not going to be around. If you were in my position I think you would fear divorce too. Maybe it is that he wants to stay at home, and I just need to get my head wrapped around that.
The correlation of my career getting more concrete and his lessening motivation does seem valid. I guess I'm looking at it more from the perspective that he could have chosen the path to 3-400k.

To the other PP, in my heart I would hate to just have weekends with my kids, and I know he is in a better position to be around more than I am. And if I were a judge it would be a no-brainer to me to give my DH the kids. So I have that fact in the back of my head.

The decisions of gifts SHOULD. Be made together, but I doubt I'm in a position to say no. I mean look at the attitudes on here already, it will force it into a my money situation if he keeps pressing for some of the things he is presently. It's not even a conversation it's a "First, I'm going to do is get this for my dad, get this for this person, take this person here, give the person that". I, just smile and listen, haven't spoke up about it because I don't want to have it blow up into a big argument.

And no, I am not a dancer ha!

I'm just going to address this point. Why do you feel like you can't have this conversation with your husband? If I knew we would have a 10 fold increase in our collective salary, I might start talking about all the things I'd like to do with the extra money. Just talking about it doesn't mean that I'm already writing the checks and making the reservations. That would have been a perfect time to say something like, "those all sound nice but we'll need to have a conversation about how much we can spend on relatives because our other expenses might be increasing as well" or something like that. Don't just smile and nod, arrange for a time to sit down and talk about some of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - in the last 2 years, you were making $40k-$70k, and now you're making $750k? Did you just finish a residence? I'm trying to think of another profession with that kind of dramatic swing in income.

But wouldn't a resident have a very demanding schedule as well? She'd already be doing close to 80 hr weeks, right?

[Anonymous]

Not a resident, but close. And yes there were periods of hectic work schedules on which my mom and sisters stepped in, but we are now talking about a long term, every week for years. It's a completely different picture.

[Anonymous]

If she isn't a doctor or lawyer, hard to imagine what kind of jobrovides for that large an income jump. Perhaps op can enlighten us.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why enlightenment is needed? It is irrlelavnt to the discussion. Just to satisfy your curiosity? Seems off that on an anonymous board you are that interested...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why enlightenment is needed? It is irrlelavnt to the discussion. Just to satisfy your curiosity? Seems off that on an anonymous board you are that interested...

Telling us your profession would hardly reveal your identity and might provide insight into what the dynamic has been like thus far in your marriage ( ie. as previously noted, spouse usually makes significant sacrifices to get other spouse through medical school and residency). Frankly, I think it odd that you consider it not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why enlightenment is needed? It is irrlelavnt to the discussion. Just to satisfy your curiosity? Seems off that on an anonymous board you are that interested...

Telling us your profession would hardly reveal your identity and might provide insight into what the dynamic has been like thus far in your marriage ( ie. as previously noted, spouse usually makes significant sacrifices to get other spouse through medical school and residency). Frankly, I think it odd that you consider it not relevant.

+1 Especially since OP has been saying divorce rates in her profession are very high. Very curious what it is, I personally have never heard of divorce rates/profession correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she isn't a doctor or lawyer, hard to imagine what kind of jobrovides for that large an income jump. Perhaps op can enlighten us.

Actress?