Becoming wealthy after marriage
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Anonymous
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OP, I think who makes what, who's more ambitious, and who is which gender is a red herring here.
Are the financial commitments he wants to make large or small? If they're large, do you make large financial commitments without talking to him? If you do, then let it go. If you don't, then you need to tell him that you should be making these decisions together. If he can't get his head around that, it will damage your marriage. |
Anonymous
Alone to lawyer yes, but, thought financial adviser should be done with and without, for both scenarios. And thank you for the nonjudgmental advice. |
Anonymous
You can go together later. Right now, you want to be able to talk frankly with the financial adviser and ask all your questions. You will not be able to do that with your husband there. You said previously that he gets defensive when talking about such matters. |
Anonymous
The immediate ones are moderate at best (vacations, "things" and experiences he knows people always wanted to have/do), the projected "in a few years" are very big (house, cars). I don't make financial decisions alone, not even when shopping for small things for myself, I get mild anxiety about big purchases and often take a lot of time before pulling the trigger. He tends to be more independent when purchasing, always has been and I pick my battles about which to actually protest. I am worried that the same behavior will continue on a larger scale. To the other PP, it's not solely in money but it is about goals and commitments and achieving them. I'm doing what I always wanted to do, I've stayed focus on this very specific thing. He isn't even doing what he wanted or loves, and as I said before that makes it harder to just let be. |
Anonymous
| OP It would be cheaper to pay for a full time nanny than to pay his alimony. And alimony is awarded to husbands. It sounds like your marriage has been shaky for some time. But since this is the money forum, not the relationship forum -- money wise -- get out sooner rather than later. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but you are naive. Our society judges people on how much money they have, especially men. |
Anonymous
| I get it, OP. You discussed and planned that you would both put similar efforts into your careers and get similar satisfaction out of them, and that you'd both work. Now he seems to have changed - he's not satisfied with his career, not putting much effort into it, and talking about being a SAHD. That wasn't what you signed up for, he may be acting in large part unilaterally, and on top of that your relationship has been shaky enough that you're worried he's using you for your money (and perhaps will leave once he has enough "time in" to have earned alimony). That's lot of things to discuss, most of them emotional. |
Anonymous
But he's not talking about being a SAHD. OP said he doesn't want to stay home and do the work of a SAHD. OP and her family are covering most of that. He's in a rut job and career-wise but not motivated to do anything to change it. He does want to be seen as an equal provider and give money to his family for discretionary items whenever he sees fit, as they probably perceive him as being wealthy now. |
Anonymous
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I think OP is a troll but I'll bite.
OP - is it possible your husband's lack of ambition and direction is a result of your career success? That is not blame or criticism, but I do wonder if he shares your belief in traditional gender roles, but your astronomical success makes it hard for him to be motivated to pursue what would be enormous success in another context, but compared to you would still only be middling, especially when he recognizes someone has to step up at home, and it makes less and less sense for it to be him. I know you are looking for financial advice not relationship advice, but that seems worth mentioning. Marriage is a partnership and what one partner does invariably affects the other. Your husband may not want to be a SAHP or even the one taking on the primary responsibility at home, which might be why he is not very good at it as yet. You may need a real conversation about what life will need to look like with you working 80 hours a week and two small children. Either way, maybe your marriage is just done. You sound like you may be done with it at the very least, and that is not judgment. It's impossible to know and judge what happens on other people's relationships. If that is the case though, you need to talk to a lawyer about your best options instead of an anonymous board of parents, and think about what types of separation scenarios will be kindest for your husband, and by extension your children. |
Anonymous
| My spouse makes seven figures and I am a SAHP. It has take us 20 years to get to this point and we feel very fortunate. We consider all assets we acquire, whatever its source, to be joint. We also decide jointly how to invest and spend it our money. Any extended family or friend requests/suggestions for gifts (we do not do loans), are discussed and decided together before telling the recipient. One family does not get more than the other unless true need warrants it. Thus, we have no arguments about finances. |
Anonymous
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My DH is our primary bread winner now. Not always the case before. But my DH has always said to me that he wouldn't mind be a "kept" man by me. I'd be fine with that if I could make that much money so long as he is a great SAHD and not just hire a nanny so he goof off all day. DH would probably do some great house projects, too. But that would be the same if I were a SAHM and goofing off all day. If I did that right now, I think he'd be pretty upset. I think it should work both ways.
I wouldn't mind the lack of ambition so much as the lack of partnership in a marriage and parenting. Don't know if that is what OP's situation is. |
Anonymous
A little perspective. DH pays his ex Wife about $100k/yr in alimony and child support. They have 2 kids. He makes around $500k-- 25% less than you are anticipating. |
Anonymous
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My husband has made no inkling of wanting to be a SAHP, perhaps that is what he really wants and is afraid of speaking up about it.
If my career is having an inverse affect on him and his motivation I fear for the future because I cannot make chit ents to I discretionary spending on family members. I just can't. I am not done with my husband, I love him, the person, but I don't think we have a future if things continue to go the way they are going. That imcludes his career and it includes being more conservative with spending or earning more to spend on those things I don't agree to. I find his perspective unreasonable (but obviously mine may be as well). From the responses it seems the least likely thing is that he is waiting it out and more to do with the reverse impact of my success. That, I can work with. |
Anonymous
OP, I feel for you. You just sound really frustrated and your responses suggest you and your husband are not talking as much as you could or should. Please consider therapy again, if for nothing else than to say to him all the things you have said on this board. The financial commitments to family are neither here nor there. At the end of the day, if you stay together and the need arises, you'll make those decisions together and decide what to do. That's not the part of this I'd lose sleep over now - it's just a symptom of the much larger problem. I really hope you can work it out. |
Anonymous
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Things to think about:
Ambitious for salary increase? What do you need, to make more money? Is money the only thing? Is the only thing you miss about him is his ambitious he lost? Do you still have a common goal? Not the process but the common goal? Maybe money is not what's keeping him happy. Maybe he doesn't think he needs to work harder and not have free time to do other stuff. Some people are like that. Work, work and chase the $$ or the status but not really enjoying life. Life as in social relationships with each other/family, friends. Good Luck to you. |