Becoming wealthy after marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remove a chunk of your salary from the available pot.

See if, after a time, your resentment subsides.

Take more control. Sounds like you need that to be happier.

Don't find fault with your husband for your unease.

If my DH did this we would have serious problems in our marriage, not because I want his money, but because he doesn't trust me or feel that our marriage is a partnership.

If your DH did the same, and you guys have agreed to keep your money separate, fine, but if you start to do this just after you start making a lot of $, then you may find bitterness and resentment down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In what world are you making $750K as a beginning attending? Even experienced spine surgeons or cardiac surgeons don't reach those numbers. If this is true, you found yourself one heck of a job and are quite identifiable since (as you know well) there are only a handful of graduates in those fields per year in this country and even less women. I bet I could Google you in about 15 minutes.

Or anesthiologists or urologists since Obama and if they are, they are working All.the.time. At least if you are divorced, you can work more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remove a chunk of your salary from the available pot.

See if, after a time, your resentment subsides.

Take more control. Sounds like you need that to be happier.

Don't find fault with your husband for your unease.

If my DH did this we would have serious problems in our marriage, not because I want his money, but because he doesn't trust me or feel that our marriage is a partnership.

If your DH did the same, and you guys have agreed to keep your money separate, fine, but if you start to do this just after you start making a lot of $, then you may find bitterness and resentment down the road.

NP but I don't see why she couldn't just position it as a (perhaps very large) emergency fund. Adding on to my prior post about retirement funds she could do the same with that as well and earmark portions of the salary for their retirement fund as well as for the childrens' college funds.

[Anonymous]

So did you discuss the divorce rate with yoir DH?

Did it ever occur to you that the purpose of discussing high divorce rates was so thst you could take steps to prevent it? Doesn't appear either of you have done that. Good luck with the divorce. You will probably lose custody of the kids since it seems you will be too busy to take care of them.

You should have taken a lesson from Oprah. She realized her success came at a price. She would have been a terrible mother so she did not have children. I wish more people were that thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone I think I have all I need, and this thread keeps veering off into the strange and nasty so I'll let it end here.

I need to try to figure out a schedule for counseling and get that going, we are both willing to go so that shouldn't be a problem. I'll meet with a lawyer and then a financial advisor with and without my DH, formulate a plan for retirement and college savings, and so forth. Hopefully after seeing all the numbers my DH will not be so over zealous about the spending on gifts and come back down to earth. The best advice I was given financially from colleagues was to live like a resident for at least 5 years on your new salary, they mostly say it to those with the 150-200k debt but maybe I can use to set up my emergency fund/retirement etc.

I don't want to rush a divorce right now, because I think there is still a lot of love still between us, and I'm feeling optimistic that counseling can help resolve our issues. I will bite the bullet on alimony if we do end up divorcing, I know if it comes to that my DH will have the kids and need the financial support without a doubt. If we stay together and he persists with the financial decisions he wants to make I will separate our finances. As a pp said above, this will likely not go well with him because of the principle of it, but if he wants to stay together it will be a choice he has to make. We have some time before the change, I'll be better to asses his motives or lack there of and my position.

To the pp above, I am not sure if we have the time, or if I can take time off to have a worthwhile vacation, and in all honesty we can't afford it right now. I'll have to look into that, I'm sure it would help.

This thread has definitely made me see a bit more clear. Ultimately I think I do want my DH around a lot when the kids become school aged, maybe not a SAHM dad (perception sets are hard to change), but maybe working from home or going after a business venture that will allow flexibility. Letting go of the need for ambition will probably help to change my attitude towards him. I'll leave the other things to counseling.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So did you discuss the divorce rate with yoir DH?

Did it ever occur to you that the purpose of discussing high divorce rates was so thst you could take steps to prevent it? Doesn't appear either of you have done that. Good luck with the divorce. You will probably lose custody of the kids since it seems you will be too busy to take care of them.

You should have taken a lesson from Oprah. She realized her success came at a price. She would have been a terrible mother so she did not have children. I wish more people were that thoughtful.

Just wow to this. I wouldn't be surprised if you are a SAHM, your resentment is telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone I think I have all I need, and this thread keeps veering off into the strange and nasty so I'll let it end here.

I need to try to figure out a schedule for counseling and get that going, we are both willing to go so that shouldn't be a problem. I'll meet with a lawyer and then a financial advisor with and without my DH, formulate a plan for retirement and college savings, and so forth. Hopefully after seeing all the numbers my DH will not be so over zealous about the spending on gifts and come back down to earth. The best advice I was given financially from colleagues was to live like a resident for at least 5 years on your new salary, they mostly say it to those with the 150-200k debt but maybe I can use to set up my emergency fund/retirement etc.

OP, if it bothers you that he wants to spend this money you have to explicitly tell him. Communicate very clearly and without drama so that he hears that it makes you uncomfortable. You can't just hope he figures it out after sitting down with an adviser. Frame it as having a plan and ground rules about how to deal with this money (ie, $XX each month for each of you to do as you want without questions, purchases over $x are discussed with spouse first, prioritized list of people we'd like to EVENTUALLY give gifts to, starting emergency fund/college savings/retirement etc). If he loves you, he won't want to do these things that make you uncomfortable but it doesn't sound like he's aware it bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Its great you did so well at your job and can now be compensated so much. But is it worth it if it costs you your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So did you discuss the divorce rate with yoir DH?

Did it ever occur to you that the purpose of discussing high divorce rates was so thst you could take steps to prevent it? Doesn't appear either of you have done that. Good luck with the divorce. You will probably lose custody of the kids since it seems you will be too busy to take care of them.

You should have taken a lesson from Oprah. She realized her success came at a price. She would have been a terrible mother so she did not have children. I wish more people were that thoughtful.

Just wow to this. I wouldn't be surprised if you are a SAHM, your resentment is telling.

Oprah also doesn't believe in getting married. She is hardly a role model for most women.

[Anonymous]

If you do get a divorce, OP, you should definitely ask for joint custody. Based on the facts that you are the mother and your family members have been providing much of the on-going care for your children from birth would make the case that they should live in your household at least half of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am not quite sure this is the appropriate place to post this or even if I have any hard questions, but here is the deal.

My husband and I have been together a long time, we were high school sweethearts, we've been through everything imaginable together including living on 25k a year, very real struggles. Fast forward the summation of all my hard work is coming to an end and I will finally start making real money, to the rune of $750k a year. Over time, as the reality of my potential salary became more and more concrete, I've found that he has become less and less ambitious. It started early on, ugrad, now grad. There is little focus on what he wants, what he is going after, and making it happen. The closer we get to my own career end goal, the farther it seems he has a clear idea of his own.

Our marriage is not perfect, far from it. And I feel my feelings get worse with time as I don't see the ambition, leadership and strength I fell in love with. I wouldn't be surprised if divorce was in the cards for us. If I was being realistic, it's very possible in the next five years.

I feel a lot of pressure because of my potential earnings, and he often talks about how he wants to buy XYZ for his dad, sister, niece, how he needs to support this person and that person. But the way he is going, he would be lucky to make 100k from his own salary. Is it expected for me to do these things for his family? If it was simply he is doing what he loves and it's just a lower paying career, that's one thing, but it's starting to seem like he feels he has it made and does not need to make serious career moves, or plan financially.

Obviously there was no prenup when we got married, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do something at this point to protect myself financially.

Have you told him this? Really told him what you wrote above? Ask him how you can make him happier?