Becoming wealthy after marriage

[Anonymous]

So I am not quite sure this is the appropriate place to post this or even if I have any hard questions, but here is the deal.

My husband and I have been together a long time, we were high school sweethearts, we've been through everything imaginable together including living on 25k a year, very real struggles. Fast forward the summation of all my hard work is coming to an end and I will finally start making real money, to the rune of $750k a year. Over time, as the reality of my potential salary became more and more concrete, I've found that he has become less and less ambitious. It started early on, ugrad, now grad. There is little focus on what he wants, what he is going after, and making it happen. The closer we get to my own career end goal, the farther it seems he has a clear idea of his own.

Our marriage is not perfect, far from it. And I feel my feelings get worse with time as I don't see the ambition, leadership and strength I fell in love with. I wouldn't be surprised if divorce was in the cards for us. If I was being realistic, it's very possible in the next five years.

I feel a lot of pressure because of my potential earnings, and he often talks about how he wants to buy XYZ for his dad, sister, niece, how he needs to support this person and that person. But the way he is going, he would be lucky to make 100k from his own salary. Is it expected for me to do these things for his family? If it was simply he is doing what he loves and it's just a lower paying career, that's one thing, but it's starting to seem like he feels he has it made and does not need to make serious career moves, or plan financially.

Obviously there was no prenup when we got married, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do something at this point to protect myself financially.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to ask yourself what he contributed to your being able to have the career you wanted and enabled you to reach the point where you can make $750k.

DH and I have been together for almost 30 yrs. We met at 14 and we both worked min wage jobs. When we got married there was nothing. But after 30 yrs together his family is my family and my family is his family. My brother is getting divorced and needs a new place to live. We are giving him the down payment -- it's "our" brother that needs the help. DH now makes 5x what I do. The reality is that he earned the money that is going to my brother.

[Anonymous]

You can absolutely go to a matrimonial lawyer and hire them to do a post-nup. It's a real thing. Protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Do you have children and, if so, has he made it his primary job to raise them so that you could, for example, put in the hours as a career-track associate to make partner at your firm? If so, then your success was, at least in part, made possible by his sacrifice. By this I mean that you were able to work late nights, weekends, travel at a moment's notice, go into work early, while he took the children to school, doctor's appointments, sports practices, music rehearsals, made dinner, etc.

If you do not have nay children and my scenario is not the case, then you need to explain to your husband that you are very concerned about his lack of ambition, and that you expect him to work diligently on his career because your assets and income will in no way be used to support his family, or even him unless he steps up to the plate.

[Anonymous]

I call troll, because the OP is expressing sentiments husbands have been saying about wives for years and years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to ask yourself what he contributed to your being able to have the career you wanted and enabled you to reach the point where you can make $750k.

DH and I have been together for almost 30 yrs. We met at 14 and we both worked min wage jobs. When we got married there was nothing. But after 30 yrs together his family is my family and my family is his family. My brother is getting divorced and needs a new place to live. We are giving him the down payment -- it's "our" brother that needs the help. DH now makes 5x what I do. The reality is that he earned the money that is going to my brother.

Very much like is, I was 15, but through our education I earned the money that supported us during our studies, he was less successful in employment during that time but still earned what he could. Our familial relationships are very complicated. We don't love close, I've never had the chance to get to know them very well despite my many attempts and they aren't very interested in knowing me still. We only see them whe. I plan visits to them. He has strained relationships with them as well but does not want to see them struggle, understandably. We are both from poor families, me more so than him. So I completely understand. I guess my questioning is if he made 60k a year, and that was what we had foreseen that would be different than me knowing exactly what his intentions were and being drawn to that ignition then for him to stop putting effort in. It's to the point that I have to push him to take projects etc. I just don't think I will be able to handle that. I can't respect settling, that was also his opinion in the beginning.

Am I being ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

OP ~ Not being resentful is your goal. You need to sit quietly and reflect on this. Don't have all of your salary available - certainly none of it for providing for family if you don't agree with the premise. I won't have in depth discussions about this. Decide what you are going to contribute ~ 125% of what he does, 150%? some figure. Again your goal is to not be resentful with the hope of staying married.

As another post mentioned, no one achieves this success in a vacuum. My guess is you need to continue to appreciate your spouse's role.

Realize both of you need time to adjust to the new reality. Many people aren't displaying their best self during a time of transition, don't judge your husband too harshly. There may now be aspects of your personality which are less attractive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children and, if so, has he made it his primary job to raise them so that you could, for example, put in the hours as a career-track associate to make partner at your firm? If so, then your success was, at least in part, made possible by his sacrifice. By this I mean that you were able to work late nights, weekends, travel at a moment's notice, go into work early, while he took the children to school, doctor's appointments, sports practices, music rehearsals, made dinner, etc.

If you do not have nay children and my scenario is not the case, then you need to explain to your husband that you are very concerned about his lack of ambition, and that you expect him to work diligently on his career because your assets and income will in no way be used to support his family, or even him unless he steps up to the plate.

We have children but none of the above applied. We have had to hire nannies or my family has cared for them. He has never been a stay at home dad, he has needed the same amount of time as me in respects to education (class, labs, projects) and has always worked as well, requiring fulltime childcare . Shuttling around to activities, etc has been mostly shared, possibly more driving on my part because my schedule for coming and going aligned well, and household responsibilities have mostly been done by me. I'm still very traditional in my home life, one of the reasons this is hard for me to swallow, my image of a partner is changing...

[Anonymous]

OP, you say your husband will be lucky to make $100k. In my book that's decent money, although certainly not to the level of income you'll be attaining. Together you two will be making nearly a million dollars a year! I'm not sure I see a pronlme unless you resent working harder than he does. You can have a good life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ~ Not being resentful is your goal. You need to sit quietly and reflect on this. Don't have all of your salary available - certainly none of it for providing for family if you don't agree with the premise. I won't have in depth discussions about this. Decide what you are going to contribute ~ 125% of what he does, 150%? some figure. Again your goal is to not be resentful with the hope of staying married.

As another post mentioned, no one achieves this success in a vacuum. My guess is you need to continue to appreciate your spouse's role.

Realize both of you need time to adjust to the new reality. Many people aren't displaying their best self during a time of transition, don't judge your husband too harshly. There may now be aspects of your personality which are less attractive

I am weary of personality change snl my part as well, I've been trying to be supportive of what he chooses. However now I'm starting to get worried that there hasn't been any progress and wondering if it's intentional. The sacrifice on his part hasn't been a lot in the past, besides having to move. But it will be big from now on, with the hours required for my career it's going to be a bit insane. Which is another source of my paranoia, if we did get divorced, the time commitment I have for work and his being much lesser, seems like a good situation for him to get primary custody and have me support him.

I wish I didn't have these thoughts, but my colleagues are constantly talking about the extremely high divorce rates for our field and it's getting to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I too had a fairly traditional view of marriage. Guess what? I make 90% of the money between us. The reasons are complicated but I've had to work through my disappointment and resentment for the good of our future together. And really, it's turned out pretty well once I let go of my notions of DH being the primary breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children and, if so, has he made it his primary job to raise them so that you could, for example, put in the hours as a career-track associate to make partner at your firm? If so, then your success was, at least in part, made possible by his sacrifice. By this I mean that you were able to work late nights, weekends, travel at a moment's notice, go into work early, while he took the children to school, doctor's appointments, sports practices, music rehearsals, made dinner, etc.

If you do not have nay children and my scenario is not the case, then you need to explain to your husband that you are very concerned about his lack of ambition, and that you expect him to work diligently on his career because your assets and income will in no way be used to support his family, or even him unless he steps up to the plate.

We have children but none of the above applied. We have had to hire nannies or my family has cared for them. He has never been a stay at home dad, he has needed the same amount of time as me in respects to education (class, labs, projects) and has always worked as well, requiring fulltime childcare . Shuttling around to activities, etc has been mostly shared, possibly more driving on my part because my schedule for coming and going aligned well, and household responsibilities have mostly been done by me. I'm still very traditional in my home life, one of the reasons this is hard for me to swallow, my image of a partner is changing...

If he is not taking care of the children, is not particularly involved in the home life, and is not working very hard at his career - what has he been doing while at work? Or is it the case that his job, unlike your partner-track career, is one with limited-income potential. Many people, for example teachers, emergency personnel, municipal employees, may be giving their career their very all -but those careers may just not pay very well. If he works to his potential in a sector or industry with modest pay, then I do not think that you should resent his not looking for another higher-paying line of work, particularly if he likes his job. If your husband is simply shirking, loafing, sitting at his desk, and his skills and income have stagnated as a result, then that is another thing altogether.

People say that they want a supportive husband who will prioritize his home life over his work life, but I just think that most women (and I am one) want a husband who can fill the traditional role of supporting the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say your husband will be lucky to make $100k. In my book that's decent money, although certainly not to the level of income you'll be attaining. Together you two will be making nearly a million dollars a year! I'm not sure I see a pronlme unless you resent working harder than he does. You can have a good life together.

I do realize it's a lot of money, especially from where we started! But my reaction to it is a lot different I think because I am watching his motives and intentions and that's bothering me..

If 100k was the top for his field then I'd be happy, knowing he isn't making steps forward gets to me. Is it reasonable then if the total HHI is more than enough to not push him? Is it a common decision made, besides SAHMs, but with a working partner, to have them not worry about advancement?

[Anonymous]

Would you have trouble with your DH becoming a SAHD? Even though he would run the house differently than you might otherwise?

To be honest, it sounds like you have some control tendencies in the running of the house- so he has given up trying. Or he may be depressed. It is rare for both spouses to have large incomes like the one you are describing for yourself. Yes, they do exist, but not in the numbers DCUM seems to indicate. More often than not one spouse takes a back seat careerwise so that the other spouse can put in the time needed for the high salary- being able to stay late on ten minutes notice for example. Incomes of $750k are very very very rarely 40 hour workweeks.

You may be overlooking what he actually does. (This happens in most marriages too- until the spouse isn't there to do them and then they realize what they do and are more grateful when they return.)

Does your job require any travel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP ~ Not being resentful is your goal. You need to sit quietly and reflect on this. Don't have all of your salary available - certainly none of it for providing for family if you don't agree with the premise. I won't have in depth discussions about this. Decide what you are going to contribute ~ 125% of what he does, 150%? some figure. Again your goal is to not be resentful with the hope of staying married.

As another post mentioned, no one achieves this success in a vacuum. My guess is you need to continue to appreciate your spouse's role.

Realize both of you need time to adjust to the new reality. Many people aren't displaying their best self during a time of transition, don't judge your husband too harshly. There may now be aspects of your personality which are less attractive

I am weary of personality change snl my part as well, I've been trying to be supportive of what he chooses. However now I'm starting to get worried that there hasn't been any progress and wondering if it's intentional. The sacrifice on his part hasn't been a lot in the past, besides having to move. But it will be big from now on, with the hours required for my career it's going to be a bit insane. Which is another source of my paranoia, if we did get divorced, the time commitment I have for work and his being much lesser, seems like a good situation for him to get primary custody and have me support him.

I wish I didn't have these thoughts, but my colleagues are constantly talking about the extremely high divorce rates for our field and it's getting to me.

Moves for a spouse causes a BIG hit to a career.