Becoming wealthy after marriage

[Anonymous]

In a rush, but to clarify some things: Never denied being a doctor, simply did not get into specifics. My husband didn't promise it TO the family member, at least not from what I gather, just says that it is what he will be doing as a gift to them. I don't think, at least I hope not, that he has had clear conversations with any of them about these gifts but are more surprises and tokens of his love.

Compromise my anonymity- I said make me identifiable, as in to people that I know read here and do not feel the need to have people I know to know my personal business, or it getting back to my DH! Is that really a hard concept?

My DH did not make more while I was in school, he was in grad school at the same time. The scholarships I was afforded allowed him to not have the pressure of working and to focus on his studies. In the first two years of residency he earned more but I have since earned the same or more. The point is not about earning more, it's about his attitude towards money. When we left high school we knew the path I was going down and that I would probably make more than him for the rest of our lives, that was not an issue.

To the PP if you made a lot of sacrifices for your spouse to become a physician yay for you. The fact is my DH worked regular hours, focused on his own program in school as much as I did. We lived with my parents for some time which helped with logistics and sorts and my SAHM sister has provided most of the fulltime care for our children and both her and my mother stepped in for the long nights. Both of whom are very traditional and were happy to intervene. We sat down with my family and made the collective decision of where we needed help when children were brought into the mix. They have done an amazing job in helping us and my DH was rarely left alone because he could not handle infants/toddlers. We have also had to hire nannies and babysitters to fill in the gap. Don't apply your own to situation to mine, my DH would probably tell you himself how it was much easier than he expected, because he always had help!

And in that regard, his family has always lived far away and never/call or visit. I primarily speak to his sister and set up visits for us to go see them and he talks to his parents every now and then, neither of which make any attempts to be involved.

Okay end rant.

[Anonymous]

You've mentioned many times that you come from a very traditional background, OP. May I ask, what is your ethnic or cultural background? Is DH from the same background?

[Anonymous]

OP, you have every right to conceal your occupation. I would stick with the dancer
Also, maybe tell your husband that first, you are are buying things to your mom and sister for helping so much. Then, you can think about getting gifts for ILs for living far away and keeping out of your business

[Anonymous]

Did you all miss where she said they have intimacy issues?

Possibly because he feels less of a man because she makes so much more than him? Or he is a bad lover? Though she married him and had two kids with him. Surely a DOCTOR would know how to have great sex....

[Anonymous]

I am still waiting to find out which medical specialty has high divorce rates...
OP even before she actually enters the field seems to have been warned by her *male* colleagues of this.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Now you ask my ethnic and cultural background, and specific specialty :eyeroll: Even as an incoming med student we discussed the divorce rates and quality of life, for physicians as a whole, high suicide rates, difficulty maintaining a relationship. When I started medical school I was "warned" twice a day that my relationship probably would not make it through. The statistics are there and people talk very frankly about them. Then in third year it's amped up when it's time to decide a specialty I chose one that has one of the worst lifestyle outlook but it was what I always wanted to do despite that and I would probably just regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't. My DH supported me in that decision.

Now can we stop with the prying questions?

[Anonymous]

Seems to me Op that you introduced the subject, but now won't take 'prying' questions?

Your dh has been unfailingly supportive of you, but now he isn't good enough? Your career success has involved contributory efforts and sacrifices from your whole family.

It is interesting that you use the passive voice to describe children being 'brought into the mix.' Surely you had a cardinal role in that introduction.

You sound really self-involved and unappreciative.

[Anonymous]

Lesson number one, OP: DCUM is more interested in money than anything else.

Counseling. You need to let go of judging him by his financial success -- and he needs to be working as hard as you are in some way, regardless of what he earns.

[Anonymous]

I didn't introduce anything that would make me more identifiable. If you read properly, through the thread you would see that. Seems a bit of a stretch for you to say "brought into the mix" as some how hinting I didn't want children. Having children was our decision, asking my family to help us make it possible is most definitely was a situation of "hey we want to bring children into this complicated situation", brought into the mix makes perfect sense. But I guess you are just looking for something to pick at.

The fact is, the prying questions add little to the equation besides satisfying the curiosity of certain PPs. I've been given incredible advice on all fronts without it. To suggest it's necessary is just absurd.

[Anonymous]

Pp, I also worked throughout my spouse's residency and fellowship as did most other spouses. It would be nearly impossible to not do so given the low salary paid to residents and it is interesting to mr that you are willing to overlook your dh's financial support for this fairly lengthy period (I suspect you are a cardiac, plastic, or ortho surgeon based on your past responses). Whether or not your spouse had help with the children, I assure you living with a spouse who works many weekends and several overnights a week is a sacrifice and a real strain on relationships. We made it work because my spouse is very appreciative of what I've given up to be with him and we did not even have children during his training. Once we did, even though we had a nanny, I spent much more time dealing with household and kid stuff due to his hours, I had no real alternative to dial back a bit for my own job. The happiness of my family is more important than my maximizing my career success.

I suspect, given the way you perceive your spouse that divorce is probably in your future. Talk to a financial advisor and lawyer about your options, but remember than your children will someday judge you on how you treat their father.

[Anonymous]

One of my coworkers (female physician) is going through a divorce right now and her husband is really wiping her out. We only make half of what you make. She has lost her new house and a good chunk of her retirement. He is going after alimony as well.

Your first 1-2 years as an Attending will be really difficult as you will be working just as hard as residency/fellowship and will want to make a really good impression. Are you and your husband able to take a vacation (without the kids) prior to starting your first job? You can see if you can rekindle some of the romance you used to have. Maybe you can try going to therapy sessions as well. It sounds like you don't respect your husband due to his lack of ambition and I'm not sure how you get over something like that. Unfortunately, I think marriage is hard for women in time-intensive fields. If you don't think you can make your marriage work, then cut your losses before you accrue a bunch of assets (sorry, I know that sounds cold).

[Anonymous]

OP Do not fall for the DCUM trap of revealing too much info. It could be used against you later and is also just nosy people in your business. You put this post in money and finances, yet it keeps veering off into relationship. Maybe try boggleheads instead? You are getting the usual hate mail from DCUM. If I were you, I would think very hard about protecting your assets. Things with DH do not seem to be in a good place. He could leave you and you would still be stuck supporting him. Trust me, after a divorce, you will NOT want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Since you posted in the money forum I'll offer one perspective no one else has yet. You really need to consider where you're at with regard to your retirement savings. With the age of your kids I'll speculate that you guys are probably early 40s. If you've been in residency up to this point you probably haven't put much away for retirement so you're going to want to make a plan in that regard before you start giving your money away to others. You're probably also behind the curve on saving for your childrens' college as well. Again, all things you should be able to achieve on your salary but you need to make a financial plan before you start giving money away.

[Anonymous]

In what world are you making $750K as a beginning attending? Even experienced spine surgeons or cardiac surgeons don't reach those numbers. If this is true, you found yourself one heck of a job and are quite identifiable since (as you know well) there are only a handful of graduates in those fields per year in this country and even less women. I bet I could Google you in about 15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Remove a chunk of your salary from the available pot.

See if, after a time, your resentment subsides.

Take more control. Sounds like you need that to be happier.

Don't find fault with your husband for your unease.