Becoming wealthy after marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like the reverse of a man making it as a powerful attorney or doctor, then deciding that his wife, who helped him through med or law school is too old, doesn't work out enough for him to stay fit after having kids, so then decides to divorce for a younger model.

If your DH was an asshole, this would be a different story, but low ambition?

How many posts have you read on this forum where a women states her DH is saying mean things to her after she's gained some weight after having kids?

Did you marry him for his ambition? If you need him to pickup more slack at home, that's different. Talk to him about it. But divorcing him for a lack of ambition sounds much like a man divorcing a woman for gaining weight.

I don't understand why picking up slack at home is somehow more acceptable than picking up slack at work?
Some women want meant to be more domestic, I don't. I have always taken card of the home, because I am traditional. I am attracted to those qualities in my DH as well, the traditional male role. Why am I wrong for wanting ambition over him doing the dishes?

Seems like this is relationship dependent, and my perspective should to be wrong just because some women want the opposite.

[Anonymous]

OP, judging from your posts it sounds like you should divorce. I doubt you have enough love or commitment towards the marriage to stick it out. You sound very emotionless about it -- I'm not sure if this is how you really feel about it or just how you write. In either case, maybe you should consult with a good attorney. I just feel bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

This thread isn't about emotions! I don't understand why the two cannot be separated. And of course the "I feel bad for your kids". This is exactly why I approached this from a logical standpoint because finances and emotions don't go well together.

I guess it is impossible to be pragmatic about a relationship even with someone you love.. I have received advice about our relationship in the relationship forum and it's funny how I get a completely different perspective there, but discuss a woman as the breadwinner concerned about divorce and I am the bad guy. If a SAHM mom needs to be prepared when a marriage is on the rocks why shouldn't I?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's expected to do things for family when you can. Why are you so selfish, OP? P.S. no marriage is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's expected to do things for family when you can. Why are you so selfish, OP? P.S. no marriage is perfect.

I understand that no marriage is perfect. Obviously. Can you please look more in-depth than shallow insults. Helping family is one thing, immediately buying materialistic things is another. And as I have said I am wondering if there is more to my DH's insistence on buying this and that for this person and the other when I begin to earn more while he doesn't see the need to earn more in order to spread for the people he would like to support. For me, I have many family members I would like to see in a better situation, it's one of the reason I chose the harder path to earn more because I know I will have to care for my parents through old age. If that is a concern for my DH, why is he so nonchalant about earning more? Am I the only one that finds this odd?

[Anonymous]

Counseling. Seriously. Prepping for divorce is not "giving it your all". 100k is a decent salary. It's really good in most parts of the country. Even in DC its a pretty good salary.

You just don't sound like you like him all that much, and you're scared he's going to take your money away. Decisions about gifts to family should be made together as a team, but his wants count too.

And I think you're going to have a tough time keeping up "traditional roles" if your new job will have 80hr weeks. You won't have much time for domestic duties at that rate. I'd go to a counselor and see if you can improve your relationship before you add the pressures of this new work.

[Anonymous]

OP, think pragmatically about post-divorce life. How much would alimony, child support, nannies, etc. amount to? Maybe it is cheaper just buy gifts for the family members. Who will care for the kids while you are at work? If you won't get primary custody, would it be OK for you to see kids on weekends only? How are you going to juggle your crazy work hours and divorce procedures? Just think pragmatically about all these things before you move forward.

Also, out of curiosity, what's your field? I looked up and dancers are reported to have the highest divorce rates

[Anonymous]

It would bother me to have a partner who wasn't working as hard as I was on some level. I don't think I'd care much if that was work caring for kids/home or work earning for the family, so long as it felt like everyone was contributing to the family. As it is, it sounds like most of the burden of caring for the family in all respects is on OP. I don't understand the unkind responses.

OP if you are working 80 hours your DH may end up contributing more in caring for tthe family. That might change your feeling of being taken advantage of. You can see an attorney for advice on what you are likely to have to pay in case of divorce.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want to divorce your husband because he isn't as successful as you. I think that is a really terrible reason, and it makes you sound like a heartless cold-bitch. Don't get me wrong- I'm not calling you a heartless bitch and I'm not judging. I've wanted to divorce my husband for even crappier reasons. But it sounds bad. Is this really the person you want to be?

I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Let him know that you aren't happy with the way things are going and give him specific reasons. Then you both need to do some soul searching and figure out what you want.

P.S. I make more money than my husband. Only 25% more, but it is bothers him and sometime demotivates him. Could your husband be similar (plus 100x worse since you are talking about a huge salary difference)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To avoid a long quote.

My job does not require any travel. And the move was during the education part in which he chose a school based upon where I had to go.

To the PP about the sacrifices I'm probably not noticing. I have no doubt that we are able to get through the day because of things he does. As I said, most of the reason abilities with the children are shared, I couldn't do all of them by myself for sure. The sacrifices he WILL have to make from now on will be very significant, as the real hours are about to become a reality.

About him being a SAHD, in theory I would mind as it will help with logistics and the kids. However, from a romantic stand point, I don't know what it will do to my perception of my DH. This ambition thing has already been challenging, I fear that would be far worse.

Worst case scenario: my work hours are too hard, if he is having some mood disorders now it will only worsen, I won't be around to nurture our relationship. What position does that put me in with the children, with assests and having to support him?

Should I be trying to avoid divorce at all costs from a financial standpoint?

Not worse scenario: Everything we have has been shared, am I in a position to have "my" money and "his" being separate? Is he allowed, legally that is, to use whatever he pleases as ours?

You both need counseling. Marriage and depression for your DH and for you marriage and 1) To deal with the new wealth- both of you have created (it isn't just you). 2) To deal with the antiquated ideas of who should be the provider and who should be the care giver. A family works together to make things work- money is just part of it. 3) To help you see yourself in a partnership with your DH where each does different things toward that partnership. 4) To realize how fortunate you have it and acknowledge the luck you have received in addition to your hard work. There are many people out there who have done the exact same thing you have done but do not have a $750; job to show for it- or even a $100k job. 5)To realize that money isn't everything or necessarily the end goal of life. - This is where you growing up poor has impacted your perception- you will also have to have counseling when your children seem to not appreciate their wealth as much as you think they should. Money does not buy happiness. It makes things easier- for sure- but we all have the same issues- rich or poor- and our issue travel with us as a go from place to place.

Your children deserve it (the counseling for you and your DH). Family comes first. Then career. You can have this high end career, but you need to recognize the work it takes from your DH to support you so you can do it. (The first place will be to recognizes the sacrifices he has already made to move to the town so you could go to school....)

Good luck, this will be a hard transition. I think it will go more smoothly if you let go of "what should be" and embrace "what is".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You both need counseling. Marriage and depression for your DH and for you marriage and 1) To deal with the new wealth- both of you have created (it isn't just you). 2) To deal with the antiquated ideas of who should be the provider and who should be the care giver. A family works together to make things work- money is just part of it. 3) To help you see yourself in a partnership with your DH where each does different things toward that partnership. 4) To realize how fortunate you have it and acknowledge the luck you have received in addition to your hard work. There are many people out there who have done the exact same thing you have done but do not have a $750; job to show for it- or even a $100k job. 5)To realize that money isn't everything or necessarily the end goal of life. - This is where you growing up poor has impacted your perception- you will also have to have counseling when your children seem to not appreciate their wealth as much as you think they should. Money does not buy happiness. It makes things easier- for sure- but we all have the same issues- rich or poor- and our issue travel with us as a go from place to place.

Your children deserve it (the counseling for you and your DH). Family comes first. Then career. You can have this high end career, but you need to recognize the work it takes from your DH to support you so you can do it. (The first place will be to recognizes the sacrifices he has already made to move to the town so you could go to school....)

Good luck, this will be a hard transition. I think it will go more smoothly if you let go of "what should be" and embrace "what is".

OP, this PP has written what I believe is very wise advise. This goes deeper than you may realize. It's not just about money. It's about attitudes towards money, gender roles, life priorities.

[Anonymous]

Wait - in the last 2 years, you were making $40k-$70k, and now you're making $750k? Did you just finish a residence? I'm trying to think of another profession with that kind of dramatic swing in income.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like op is a medical resident who just completed her residency and is about to start working. My dh is a doctor and I am an attorney. Op, if you don„t think that your husband made huge sacrifices so that you could put in all the time necessary for you to complete medical school, you are blind. Moreover, once we had kids, I had to significantly dial back my career to be the parent who,was available for all kid related appointments crises etc because my dh's schedule was so unpredictable.

I third the recommendation for counseling but wonder is you are able to ever will be able to see your marriage from dh's perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I do agree we need to go to counseling, but that was already a decision made prior to this and unrelated to money, and mostly unrelated to his success. I think it would help greatly if my perception on roles, drive, responsibilities were different but that is obviously something I can't change over night. I do hold a lot of value in success and maybe I find my own identity to be highly intertwined with it, and so think he should to.

The issue with my career is we have had problems prior to money, and I just don't see it getting easier when I am now not going to be around. If you were in my position I think you would fear divorce too. Maybe it is that he wants to stay at home, and I just need to get my head wrapped around that.
The correlation of my career getting more concrete and his lessening motivation does seem valid. I guess I'm looking at it more from the perspective that he could have chosen the path to 3-400k.

To the other PP, in my heart I would hate to just have weekends with my kids, and I know he is in a better position to be around more than I am. And if I were a judge it would be a no-brainer to me to give my DH the kids. So I have that fact in the back of my head.

The decisions of gifts SHOULD. Be made together, but I doubt I'm in a position to say no. I mean look at the attitudes on here already, it will force it into a my money situation if he keeps pressing for some of the things he is presently. It's not even a conversation it's a "First, I'm going to do is get this for my dad, get this for this person, take this person here, give the person that". I, just smile and listen, haven't spoke up about it because I don't want to have it blow up into a big argument.



And no, I am not a dancer ha!

[Anonymous]

Counseling. And he needs to figure out why he's become unambitious etc.