Becoming wealthy after marriage

[Anonymous]

Being that the purpose of the thread was for financial advice, what my spouse would have sacrificed for school in whatever profession is not relevant. But alas most want to respond about whether I love my husband or not.

As I said before there were no outrageous sacrifices besides us choosing schools together and him giving mine a priority because there were scholarships involved. These scholarships paid through school our full COA, including childcare and my family helped in the nights when I was away because he did not adjust well to caring for infants/toddlers on his own.

I've given many details that make me identifiable.. I don't think getting into specifics makes the picture that much different, obviously many agree because they have responded with what was given.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why enlightenment is needed? It is irrlelavnt to the discussion. Just to satisfy your curiosity? Seems off that on an anonymous board you are that interested...

It provides background. If you did indeed go to med school, most of us would think you're spouse did indeed make sacrifices for your career, that you may not be seeing clearly. If you worked in the public sector and are now switching to a high-salaried lobbying position, that would be a different story.

[Anonymous]

I am on a "spouse visa" in this country and not allowed to earn money.
DH's salary has not grown much, but our other income has, by a significant amount that will pay for our retirement and the children's university education. It's our money, even though he put up the bulk of the initial investment years ago before we even met.
If our roles were reversed, we would feel the same way.

Isn't that one of the perks of being married? What's mine is yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being that the purpose of the thread was for financial advice, what my spouse would have sacrificed for school in whatever profession is not relevant. But alas most want to respond about whether I love my husband or not.

As I said before there were no outrageous sacrifices besides us choosing schools together and him giving mine a priority because there were scholarships involved. These scholarships paid through school our full COA, including childcare and my family helped in the nights when I was away because he did not adjust well to caring for infants/toddlers on his own.

I've given many details that make me identifiable.. I don't think getting into specifics makes the picture that much different, obviously many agree because they have responded with what was given.

Thanks.

In a marriage, money and emotions are connected. This isn't a business partner, this is your husband and the father of your children. Your decisions impact him and your kids. The problem seems to be at least partly due to communication issues, and at some level an internal conflict you are having about wanting to follow traditional gender roles in your marriage, but also be an extremely high wage earner, and these two desires are opposite goals.

[Anonymous]

Oh and to the PP who went into detail about the school aged children's need, Jesus, seeing it in words...

I think I need to relax, take a deep breath and just have this discussion with DH. I need to know what is a good compromise though. Is the consensus what he is doing is acceptable from now on because after the next few years his flexibility will be a necessity? Would hiring someone (extra hands, house keeping, nanny/driver) to fill the gap would be better than having him adjust to being at home more and scaling back even more?

I don't want this conversation to end badly so I want to adjust my expectations. Or should I let it ride until we get to counseling and have this discussion then? I think I can't have the gifts discussion now, but I'm not sure how the other things will go over. He gets very defensive when he perceives criticism and it always results in arguing, hence I've taken on a smile and nod response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

Would LOVE to know what field you can go from $70k to $750k in 2–3 years. Sign me up please!

[Anonymous]

I feel a lot of pressure because of my potential earnings, and he often talks about how he wants to buy XYZ for his dad, sister, niece, how he needs to support this person and that person. But the way he is going, he would be lucky to make 100k from his own salary. Is it expected for me to do these things for his family? If it was simply he is doing what he loves and it's just a lower paying career, that's one thing, but it's starting to seem like he feels he has it made and does not need to make serious career moves, or plan financially.

To me it is a red flag when someone starts spending your earning on someone else. It shows a lack of respect for your work and a kind od resentment. Money can cause a lot of problems in families. You truly might want to think about protecting your assets and your marriage. You do not have it made at $750 a year -- it can ALWAYS be spent. Also you might think the family will be grateful... good chance they won't be. They will take your money and then want more, or dislike you for giving them money. Seems counter intuitive, but there it is. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

Go forward with the divorce. The long hours put a big starin on the relationship and if you wait you will be paying mega dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

You will be your own worst enemy, sabotaging your own family stability and your own freedom of professional hours, mobility, flexibility precisely when you need to demonstrate those attributes most to your employer to justify your new, highly compensated status within the organization. My personal theory is that you have already met a richer, more ambitious co-worker with whom you want to move on. Go ahead, do so, and in a few years get back to us with your laments about how you did not recognize the support you had, and the stability you valued, all of which made your career success much easier, until it was gone.

Go forward with the divorce. The long hours put a big starin on the relationship and if you wait you will be paying mega dollars.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think your marriage will last much longer and you should know what your financial and legal options are going forward. You should consult a CPA and a divorce attorney, not an anonymous parent forum. I have seen this scenario play out several times and unless one spouse is willing to take over the majority of child-raising and household management so the high-earner can focus on their career and bring in the big bucks, it doesn't work. I know one hedge fund managing director that pulls in millions each year and her DH does free-lance work but the majority of his time is spent handling the children and household managment. They come from traditional Asian families but knew what would work for their nuclear family. Something has to give and if the children are not to be raised by nannies and other non-parents, it means one person doesn't get the career flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

You will be your own worst enemy, sabotaging your own family stability and your own freedom of professional hours, mobility, flexibility precisely when you need to demonstrate those attributes most to your employer to justify your new, highly compensated status within the organization. My personal theory is that you have already met a richer, more ambitious co-worker with whom you want to move on. Go ahead, do so, and in a few years get back to us with your laments about how you did not recognize the support you had, and the stability you valued, all of which made your career success much easier, until it was gone.

Go forward with the divorce. The long hours put a big starin on the relationship and if you wait you will be paying mega dollars.

Wow. I hate to disappoint, as there seems to be a yearning to make me into as big a villain as possible, but there is no one. No potential, no thoughts, nothing. It doesn't take an OM to make a marriage struggle, I hope you realize. Lol it doesn't even make sense, really think about that though any man in the same circumstance as I am, is most definitely married, with a SAHM at that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think your marriage will last much longer and you should know what your financial and legal options are going forward. You should consult a CPA and a divorce attorney, not an anonymous parent forum. I have seen this scenario play out several times and unless one spouse is willing to take over the majority of child-raising and household management so the high-earner can focus on their career and bring in the big bucks, it doesn't work. I know one hedge fund managing director that pulls in millions each year and her DH does free-lance work but the majority of his time is spent handling the children and household managment. They come from traditional Asian families but knew what would work for their nuclear family. Something has to give and if the children are not to be raised by nannies and other non-parents, it means one person doesn't get the career flexibility.

I agree that that arrangement seems to work. It seems the only way my marriage has a chance is to get used to that idea. I know I should talk to an attorney, on one hand I'm trying to be optimistic and I'd feel guilty about actually going to a divorce attorney. The forum at least I get any opinions and don't have to face the reality of divorce yet, but can still be frank here. Admittedly, I did not think of going to a CPA or financial planner yet, maybe I should do that alone and then with my DH. Maybe a professional can discuss my concerns about the arbitrary spending on others and can put that into perspective for us both.

[Anonymous]

"...for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health..."

[Anonymous]

Above PP again. I was assuming that you would be going alone to the lawyer and financial planner for your own information-gathering purposes. Know what all your options are and proceed as you think best. Good luck, OP. This is a very tough decision.

[Anonymous]

It is obvious that OP is some sort of physician.

OP, you seem to tie success only with money. What's up with that?