Should we cancel our 4th of July party?

[Anonymous]

The most dignified path is just to pretend not to notice the utter rudeness, have your party and be kind and gracious even if only two people show up. People will observe your dignity & lack of drama and you will “win”. Then you can seek out other friends because who wants this kind of petty crap as an adult!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most dignified path is just to pretend not to notice the utter rudeness, have your party and be kind and gracious even if only two people show up. People will observe your dignity & lack of drama and you will “win”. Then you can seek out other friends because who wants this of petty crap as an adult!

Yes a thousand times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t seem like something someone would do because you didn’t attend their party. It sounds like something else happened.

Are your kids good friends with her kids? People get weird when kid stuff happens.

I don’t know. I will ask directly but I feel like right now isn’t a good time.

My kids are a little younger than hers but they all play together pretty well. Most of the kids are very sweet and there really haven’t been an issues.

My kids don’t attend the same school but my oldest and her youngest are on the same soccer team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most dignified path is just to pretend not to notice the utter rudeness, have your party and be kind and gracious even if only two people show up. People will observe your dignity & lack of drama and you will “win”. Then you can seek out other friends because who wants this kind of petty crap as an adult!

Yes x 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t seem like something someone would do because you didn’t attend their party. It sounds like something else happened.

Are your kids good friends with her kids? People get weird when kid stuff happens.

I don’t know. I will ask directly but I feel like right now isn’t a good time.

My kids are a little younger than hers but they all play together pretty well. Most of the kids are very sweet and there really haven’t been an issues.

My kids don’t attend the same school but my oldest and her youngest are on the same soccer team.

It’s probably related to soccer or the two on the team.

[Anonymous]

There is no behavior on the part of OP or her family that could justify scheduling a competing party after accepting OP's invitation, without any explanation.

OP, please don't engage with her further. Be polite, as you would be to anyone, but do your best to let it go. I think anything you do exacerbates the situation. It won't help you or your family.

Have a great 4th!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

The fact that she said "no, mix up" without any sort of further explanation indicates that she is somehow mad at you for something. I had something similar happen to me a few years ago, and the woman is in-fact a toxic queen bee type. If anything, I would just reply that you may not be able to make it since you are hosting, but that you hope she is still able to stop by. You mentioned that she already RSVPed yes. Women like this love to create drama and establish their dominance. It sounds like you have an enmeshed social circle in your new town, and I would strongly recommend that you branch out for new friends. For some reason, the queen bee of your friend group is pissed at you, and is going to start icing you out. Most likely it's because you dared to have a social life not involving her, and skipped her Memorial Day party. Yes, you were still invited to this event, maybe so she can make sure that you know she is hosting a party the same day as you, but little by little the invites to events will decrease, and this woman will create new group text strings (perhaps innocuously) or start texting on strings that you are not on. You can ask her what you did to upset her, but asking directly, usually results in a queen bee saying "Nothing at all! What do you mean??"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

Several reasons: So she can say, “I didn’t exclude you. You were invited.” so that she doesn't look like she's excluding you from a competing event that she decided to create.

So she can appear gracious and inclusive to the rest of the friend group. If mutual friends notice the conflict, she can present herself as the bigger person: “Of course I invited them.”

Another possibility is that the invitation is a power move. It’s not really about wanting OP there; it’s about signaling, “I’m hosting too, and people can decide where they want to be.”

She may also be testing loyalty. If OP cancels her own party and attends this woman’s, the socially dominant woman “wins.” If mutual friends choose her party, she learns who prioritizes her. If people choose the original poster’s party, she learns that too.

She might also be trying to make OP feel awkward enough to back down without having to directly confront OP. Inviting her creates an uncomfortable situation while allowing the woman to say, “What’s the problem? You’re invited.”

Bottom line, the other woman is toxic queen bee and OP needs to find some new friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right, pp.

--dp

[Anonymous]

Don’t cancel. Email her and say thanks for the invite but you can’t make hers because you’re hosting one, to which she’s rsvpd yes. And I’d reach out to her another time to grab coffee or something, just to silently smooth over whatever her issue is.

[Anonymous]

Good grief I'm sorry OP. This is exactly why I no longer make much effort to socialize these days. Too much drama out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most dignified path is just to pretend not to notice the utter rudeness, have your party and be kind and gracious even if only two people show up. People will observe your dignity & lack of drama and you will “win”. Then you can seek out other friends because who wants this kind of petty crap as an adult!

100% Agree. This is the best advice. OP, maybe you to take a step back and stop obsessing about this woman and your need for drama. Just throw a great party, have a great time, and forget about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

Do not ask her point blank. Absolutely not. She is playing a ridiculous game that is far beneath you. The best approach is cheerful and oblivious.

Cheerful: of course she's having a party; she likes to have parties!

Oblivious: she couldn't possibly be scheduling this at the same time as my party because she's in a snit about something, because that would be extremely childish.

Now act cheerfully and obliviously. Reply to her text: "OK! We won't be able to make it of course, but I'm sure it will be fun. Let me know if you still plan to drop by our house or if you think you'll be too tied up."

And then go about your business. Invite some other friends if you're worried about numbers. Neighbors will show or they won't. If people who rsvp'd yes don't show up or change their response, you'll know this isn't the group for you.

Even in that case, I would continue acting cheerful and oblivious. When you see a person who said they would come but didn't, just say, "hey, we missed you last week!" And then carry on, knowing that this is person may be a neighbor but she is not your friend.

Don't feed the fire by playing this stupid game.

[Anonymous]

Wow. That is just so mean! Maybe I’d understand if she hadn’t RSVPd yes. Ugh. I’m sorry.

I’d continue on with your party. Be very gracious to your guests.

Id send my husband and kids over to her house for 15 months to stop by and they should be very gracious as well.

Think of it as party hopping or something.

[Anonymous]

Have you been on the soccer forum? I would bet this is about soccer. Has next year’s team been determined?