Should we cancel our 4th of July party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are handling it well, although I’d probably not go to her party or ask to hang out with her afterwards. Let this play itself out, her true colors will shine.

I am here to beg you to post about what happens and the aftermath. I like hearing about QBs and their demise.

For what it’s worth, I’m in a big friend group and we recently went on a big group trip without the QB and it was seriously so lovely and drama free. I hope your party is the same.

Maybe I've been really lucky but I haven't really encountered QB since HS. All my socializing seems to be lots of different circles and concentric circles and venn diagrams and spinoffs. This tells me either I'm on the spectrum and can't recognize any of the politics at play, or, I AM the Queen Bee (I am not) or, most likely, I'm just on the periphery of lots of decent, normal groups. Sure there are annoying personalities, but no one toxic person that people love (?? why would they love that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know that no one will attend your party OP??
Have your invited guests cancelled their RSVPs?

Because that would be the only good reason to cancel a party that you have already sent invites for as well as accepted RSVPs for (I am assuming.)

If this friend is truly upset w/you ➕ your husband for not attending her Memorial Day party then she is nuts & you do not want to be friends w/someone who has placed “conditions” on your friendship.
It is very unlikely that she is miffed that you didn’t attend her party - - could she be mad at you for something else perhaps?

OP, do not cancel your party >> unless of course no one can attend.

Good luck!

I don’t. I assumed the mutual group would attend hers over mine out of loyalty. I was catastrophizing a bit. There’s actually plenty of time to attend both we live 4 miles away from one another and it’s like a 6 hour block of time.

Once this all rolls over I’m going to ask her if we upset her. She did invite us so I’ll probably go over to hers for an hour to save face.

I wouldn't. You'd be feeding into her narcissism/queen bee-ism and look like you're groveling to get back into her good graces. See how the parties play out and then move on. You've already apologized for missing her Mem Day party.

+1

There is a queen bee in my circle who decided to cut me out of things. I did not mention it to even one mutual friend, so no gossip could be passed on.

My friends were really into her as happens with charismatic narcissists. They talked about her a lot, and I would nod and smile.

I ignored how friends invited the narc over when I was not able to hang out. So then I knew my friends probably know she hates me.

But I play a very long game, and I have never appeared bothered.

My therapist thinks this woman treats me this way because she told me about something horrible that happened to her. I never told anyone beyond my therapist about that, and it is the only thing I can think of. Maybe she regretted telling me.

So, OP, I would consider this woman in your world may have some big issue that gets taken out on you but is not your fault.

And, eventually, people see narcs for what they are.

+1. I have a neighbor like this. She hates me and excludes me from anything she hosts. That’s fine, it’s her prerogative. We do have some mutual friends and I never mention it or her to them, because I don’t want to feed into gossip and whatever she says about me. I suspect it’s something similar, I knew her before she moved to our neighborhood and I know that the persona she has presented since she moved is not what she presented when she lived elsewhere. She also is extremely sensitive to anyone who disagrees with her ideas, pushes back against anything she says, or any sort of perceived criticism or slight. She’s flat out accused me and another neighbor of being mean-girl bullies for having a different opinion on something. I don’t have time to walk on eggshells to ensure that an insecure and emotionally stunted 40 year old is kept happy. If other women in my neighborhood are happy dealing with her antics in order to be included in wine night, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Just continue with your party. Make your budge $1 more.

[Anonymous]

Can we all agree to meet back here on July 5th to hear who showed up to OP's party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved to our current area two years ago and made a solid group of friends with similar aged children.

All has been going well. There’s is one woman who has a lot of pull with our social group. She has always been friendly with me but I know she is capable of being catty.

For Memorial Day she hosted a party. We did not attend and instead saw old friends on our old neighborhood about an hour away.

After we returned I noticed a shift in her behavior towards me. She was just less friendly, a bit shorter.

We planned to host a 4th of July party and sent out invites mid-May (6-8 weeks advance tends to be the norm for this friend group). She RSVP’d as well as many others.

Today I got an invite for the same day and the same time to *her* 4th of July party.

This seems very weird no? We didn’t just not show up to her Memorial Day party. We let her know we couldn’t make it far in advance. We had already planned on seeing our old friends.

This is the only thing I can think of that would upset her. We are all in our mid to late 30s so this kind of behavior just seems juvenile.

My husband and I aren’t about social drama so are thinking about canceling our party. We honestly only threw ours because we don’t host often and felt like we should but won’t if it’s going to split our group. We know we’d lose anyways and I don’t want to waste time, money and effort on a party no one attends.

No. Why would you let some jerk mess up your plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we all agree to meet back here on July 5th to hear who showed up to OP's party?

it's on my calendar!

[Anonymous]

I understand that a lot of your reading her as a QB is very nuanced, and you're in the best position to judge if she's being catty.

But, is there any possible (even if improbable) innocent explanation for this? Did she throw a July 4 party last year? Could their decision to host have nothing to do with you or your mutual friend group? Can you see her invite list--is it only a perfect Venn digram with your mutual friend group, or are they inviting other people unconnected to that group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that a lot of your reading her as a QB is very nuanced, and you're in the best position to judge if she's being catty.

But, is there any possible (even if improbable) innocent explanation for this? Did she throw a July 4 party last year? Could their decision to host have nothing to do with you or your mutual friend group? Can you see her invite list--is it only a perfect Venn digram with your mutual friend group, or are they inviting other people unconnected to that group?

The QB had already RSVPed to OP’s party at the exact same time and acknowledged that she was fully aware she did so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that a lot of your reading her as a QB is very nuanced, and you're in the best position to judge if she's being catty.

But, is there any possible (even if improbable) innocent explanation for this? Did she throw a July 4 party last year? Could their decision to host have nothing to do with you or your mutual friend group? Can you see her invite list--is it only a perfect Venn digram with your mutual friend group, or are they inviting other people unconnected to that group?

The QB had already RSVPed to OP’s party at the exact same time and acknowledged that she was fully aware she did so.

Yes but that doesn't necessarily mean that she decided to host an entire party simply because she'd been invited to OPs. I've plenty of times RSVP'd to something, and then things shift in my family landscape and I develop a conflict or even affirmatively make conflicting plans for reasons entirely unrelated to the initial invite. QB's response to OP's reach out could also be read as awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no behavior on the part of OP or her family that could justify scheduling a competing party after accepting OP's invitation, without any explanation.

OP, please don't engage with her further. Be polite, as you would be to anyone, but do your best to let it go. I think anything you do exacerbates the situation. It won't help you or your family.

Have a great 4th!

this x 1000. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a special place in hell for emotionally stunted UMC white women.

That is all.

Racist, much?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, been there, survived this. It's going to get worse before it gets better and there will be collateral damage among people who are friends with both of you. You can really only save yourself in these kinds of situation and while it sucks in the short term, the distance you put between her (and her minions) and yourself will really be worth it in the long run. Have a good time at your party and wishing you the best as you expand your circle in new directions -- there are good people out there.

[Anonymous]

You know how we have the Ruth’s Chris New Years Eve thread?

I’m wondering if this will be our Dcumlandia July 4th thread.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m curious to read what happens (whether it’s real or imagined).

[Anonymous]

Oh god one of the great things about being an adult is not dealing with stuff like this. How exhausting!

[Anonymous]

I would be ramping up your party for big appeal. From bounce house to live music to fireworks. You gotta play to win!