Should we cancel our 4th of July party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, you're in a no-win here. If you reach out again to remind her you're having a party, then you are signaling that you want her to cancel hers. Bad. If you cancel, then you are showing that you care too much about QB. Also bad. If you have yours and no one shows up. No fun. And a waste of money. But you'll know where you stand and can plan accordingly for how to deal with this clique.

Hopefully by you being flexible and fun (I'd have a fun party drink--I know, not great but it helps with parties) people will show up at your party and enjoy themselves, even if for just part of the evening. It's a shame, but you really have to not care about this woman.

If they think no one is going to show up from that specific group why not just extend the invite to some people outside of the group?

If your entire social scene is one enmeshed group maybe that's a sign you need to branch out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask another neighbor who knows her better for advise Do you think Betty may have forgotten rsvp'ing to our party?

I have to assume she forgot . If she didn't forget ...find a new group.

No, don't triangulate. Find out directly from the person involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved to our current area two years ago and made a solid group of friends with similar aged children.

All has been going well. There’s is one woman who has a lot of pull with our social group. She has always been friendly with me but I know she is capable of being catty.

For Memorial Day she hosted a party. We did not attend and instead saw old friends on our old neighborhood about an hour away.

After we returned I noticed a shift in her behavior towards me. She was just less friendly, a bit shorter.

We planned to host a 4th of July party and sent out invites mid-May (6-8 weeks advance tends to be the norm for this friend group). She RSVP’d as well as many others.

Today I got an invite for the same day and the same time to *her* 4th of July party.

This seems very weird no? We didn’t just not show up to her Memorial Day party. We let her know we couldn’t make it far in advance. We had already planned on seeing our old friends.

This is the only thing I can think of that would upset her. We are all in our mid to late 30s so this kind of behavior just seems juvenile.

My husband and I aren’t about social drama so are thinking about canceling our party. We honestly only threw ours because we don’t host often and felt like we should but won’t if it’s going to split our group. We know we’d lose anyways and I don’t want to waste time, money and effort on a party no one attends.

I think you need to evaluate why you’re friends with a group that you think are this toxic. If she’s got that level of mean girl energy and a friend group that indulges it, then you need to move on and find new friends. You are an adult! Do not invite toxicity into your life. There’s enough to deal with without having crappy “friends”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, you're in a no-win here. If you reach out again to remind her you're having a party, then you are signaling that you want her to cancel hers. Bad. If you cancel, then you are showing that you care too much about QB. Also bad. If you have yours and no one shows up. No fun. And a waste of money. But you'll know where you stand and can plan accordingly for how to deal with this clique.

Hopefully by you being flexible and fun (I'd have a fun party drink--I know, not great but it helps with parties) people will show up at your party and enjoy themselves, even if for just part of the evening. It's a shame, but you really have to not care about this woman.

Only if you buy into the idea that this is all about winning.

Be direct, open, transparent. Tell her you hope she will come to your party (you invited her) and then carry on with your life. As a PP wisely said, don’t invite toxicity into your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody forgets they RSVPed to a 4th of July party, so they decide to throw their own.

Geez, be honest.

+1 esp not the kind of personality OP is describing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is her issue, not yours. Host the party you already said you were having, and plan for the number of people who RSVP’d. I’m not sure I’d say anything directly but I might repush out the evite to make sure she sees it.

One of two things is going to happen. Either everyone who RSVP’d will show up, or else many will go to Queen Bee’s party and you’ll know that you’ve got a toxic social scene in that neighborhood and you can scale back to “polite and pleasant” and look for your social life elsewhere. Even if it is the toxic one, the people who show up are probably tired of Queen Bee’s BS and will probably be the core of your new friend group.

This. Host your party and invite more people from other places. This way you’ll know exactly what’s going on and who to focus on

[Anonymous]

Just reply no to hers, and host your own with no finger pointing. Add a few new friends or neighbors. Scale it down if need be. Enjoy hosting the people who do come and leave her teenage drama at her house, not yours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing Queen Bee wants to have her own party and since you didn't attend her MD party you either don't matter enough to not step on your toes, or she worries you're gaining ground to usurp her and wants to nip that in the bud. You are showing independence.

I know this sounds insane, and is, but don't under estimate the emotional baggage of the type of woman who becomes a Queen Bee as an adult.

This. It is all due to OP not attending her MD party. Of course it is immature and petty but that is what is going on. OP and QB are competing for status within their social group despite poor OP not wanting to play such a game. I am really sorry OP. Time to find friends that are actual grown ups.

[Anonymous]

Under the circumstances described, it would be rude for you to cancel your party, since it's possible some of your guests have planned their holiday around your invitation. They may have refused other invitations after accepting yours.

I wouldn't mention the situation to anyone except the competing host when you RSVP your regrets. And only ask if she no longer intends to attend your party. Be polite. Express regrets she can't make it. Never invite her again. Ignore the whole situation. Your social group knows which party was planned first. You have the opportunity to look really good here. Take it.

I agree with the advice up thread to expand your guest list. Get busy. Plan your best party ever. Over the top. Have a wonderful time. Don't dwell on this. Move on.

After you see who shows up, take some time and reevaluate your friend group.

[Anonymous]

Clearly you love drama

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the timing exactly the same?

Yes but it’s in the evening so I do think people will have time to attend both

We are going forward and pray this doesn’t make us a target

[Anonymous]

Then you have your answer about this specific party AND you now know a lot more about her.

Time to add to your guest list and host a great party!

I wouldn’t spend a minute wondering why she is acting like a child or figuring out how to approach her on it. She has shown you who she is. Now you show everyone who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

So weird. I would follow up with. Ok are you still joining us as well?

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t seem like something someone would do because you didn’t attend their party. It sounds like something else happened.

Are your kids good friends with her kids? People get weird when kid stuff happens.