Should we cancel our 4th of July party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

The fact that she said "no, mix up" without any sort of further explanation indicates that she is somehow mad at you for something. I had something similar happen to me a few years ago, and the woman is in-fact a toxic queen bee type. If anything, I would just reply that you may not be able to make it since you are hosting, but that you hope she is still able to stop by. You mentioned that she already RSVPed yes. Women like this love to create drama and establish their dominance. It sounds like you have an enmeshed social circle in your new town, and I would strongly recommend that you branch out for new friends. For some reason, the queen bee of your friend group is pissed at you, and is going to start icing you out. Most likely it's because you dared to have a social life not involving her, and skipped her Memorial Day party. Yes, you were still invited to this event, maybe so she can make sure that you know she is hosting a party the same day as you, but little by little the invites to events will decrease, and this woman will create new group text strings (perhaps innocuously) or start texting on strings that you are not on. You can ask her what you did to upset her, but asking directly, usually results in a queen bee saying "Nothing at all! What do you mean??"

I'm not sure if OP actually wants that woman at her party now - so don't be disingenuous. Just say that you won't be able to attend her party.

[Anonymous]

I don't play games. Just have your party and enjoy the day. Don't ask your neighbor if she is coming; let her be the rude one and not honor her rsvp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses yet but I did reach out.

First I tried to call, no answer. Then I texted

“Hey! I just saw the invite for your 4th of July party and wanted to check in. I wasn’t sure if you remembered that we’re hosting ours that afternoon too, since you’d RSVP’d a while back. I figured I’d reach out in case there was some mix-up with dates or times”

I got a response within a minute.

“No, no mix up.”

So clearly she’s upset and I was talking to my husband all night to see if either of us did anything else to make her angry. I am going to ask her point blank but feel like some space is needed.

But if she’s that angry, why would she still invite us?

Regardless we both feel like she’s angry we didn’t attend her Memorial Day party which seems a little silly.

But to answer other questions.

- We do have friends outside of this social group. But the majority of our friends are mutual. Again, we’ve been here for two years and because we all have similar aged children who are friends we see each other more often.

- I cannot think of anything else my husband, myself or my children did to upset her but I may ask.

- I guess I like drama as much as anyone would. I like reality tv. I like gossip to an extent. I truly don’t like being involved in drama, or at the very least the cause or making anyone angry.

The fact that she said "no, mix up" without any sort of further explanation indicates that she is somehow mad at you for something. I had something similar happen to me a few years ago, and the woman is in-fact a toxic queen bee type. If anything, I would just reply that you may not be able to make it since you are hosting, but that you hope she is still able to stop by. You mentioned that she already RSVPed yes. Women like this love to create drama and establish their dominance. It sounds like you have an enmeshed social circle in your new town, and I would strongly recommend that you branch out for new friends. For some reason, the queen bee of your friend group is pissed at you, and is going to start icing you out. Most likely it's because you dared to have a social life not involving her, and skipped her Memorial Day party. Yes, you were still invited to this event, maybe so she can make sure that you know she is hosting a party the same day as you, but little by little the invites to events will decrease, and this woman will create new group text strings (perhaps innocuously) or start texting on strings that you are not on. You can ask her what you did to upset her, but asking directly, usually results in a queen bee saying "Nothing at all! What do you mean??"

This is so spot on. I'd put money on the fact that she'll start a thread with pictures of the party or something and since you don't attend you won't be on it and then she'll use that going forward for other events and then claim that she "forgot" that you weren't on it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t cancel. Email her and say thanks for the invite but you can’t make hers because you’re hosting one, to which she’s rsvpd yes. And I’d reach out to her another time to grab coffee or something, just to silently smooth over whatever her issue is.

I wouldn't bother to do this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know that no one will attend your party OP??
Have your invited guests cancelled their RSVPs?

Because that would be the only good reason to cancel a party that you have already sent invites for as well as accepted RSVPs for (I am assuming.)

If this friend is truly upset w/you ➕ your husband for not attending her Memorial Day party then she is nuts & you do not want to be friends w/someone who has placed “conditions” on your friendship.
It is very unlikely that she is miffed that you didn’t attend her party - - could she be mad at you for something else perhaps?

OP, do not cancel your party >> unless of course no one can attend.

Good luck!

I don’t. I assumed the mutual group would attend hers over mine out of loyalty. I was catastrophizing a bit. There’s actually plenty of time to attend both we live 4 miles away from one another and it’s like a 6 hour block of time.

Once this all rolls over I’m going to ask her if we upset her. She did invite us so I’ll probably go over to hers for an hour to save face.

OP, absolutely do not do this. She accepted your invite and then decided to throw her own bash and invited you. This is either deliberately being a jackass or clueless. Either way, what is there to talk about? Don't feed the drama.

[Anonymous]

Have people rsvpd to your party yet? I wouldn’t give this person the time of day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have people rsvpd to your party yet? I wouldn’t give this person the time of day.

OP said the many others did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not reach out to her. Queen Bees feed off drama. As long as you have friends coming outside the neighborhood group, host your party and have fun with those who show up. If you live near the Queen Bee, I agree that people will likely hit both parties, especially those who already RSVP'd to yours.

But OP needs to RSVP. I'd respond and say that you can't make her party since you have yours. I'd also ask if she was still planning on attending. But keep your party and have fun with your real friends, who are the people who RSVP'd yes to yours and will show up.

The Queen Bee is obviously not coming to OP's party. No need to ask. And OP isn't going to hers so should RSVP accordingly, although earlier she said she might send her husband and kids to the other party, which I think is strange, but all of OP's responses have seemed off (troll?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not reach out to her. Queen Bees feed off drama. As long as you have friends coming outside the neighborhood group, host your party and have fun with those who show up. If you live near the Queen Bee, I agree that people will likely hit both parties, especially those who already RSVP'd to yours.

But OP needs to RSVP. I'd respond and say that you can't make her party since you have yours. I'd also ask if she was still planning on attending. But keep your party and have fun with your real friends, who are the people who RSVP'd yes to yours and will show up.

The Queen Bee is obviously not coming to OP's party. No need to ask. And OP isn't going to hers so should RSVP accordingly, although earlier she said she might send her husband and kids to the other party, which I think is strange, but all of OP's responses have seemed off (troll?).

I don't think OP is a troll. I think she naively thought that she fell into this wonderful friend group in her new town and didn't put together that the catty queen bee would target her given the opportunity. Her responses have actually made sense...she followed up to see if there was a mix-up in the dates, and confirmed that she wasn't going to go all out to have some "best ever" party like several idiotic posters suggested. The OP has younger kids and is still in her 30s - I didn't discover how awful other mothers and adult mom "friends" could be to each other until my mid to late thirties as well. I thought it was all sunshine and rainbows in the suburbs.

[Anonymous]

Those who don’t believe this or are telling OP to get over it are lucky to have never experienced this type of female “friendship”.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you can't just have a normal, adult conversation with her?

Hey Becky, I'm a little confused. You confirmed for my 4th party and now I get an invite to your party? Did you forget I'm having the party on the 4th?

Seriously, it some time. Why crowd source this stupid problem of yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not reach out to her. Queen Bees feed off drama. As long as you have friends coming outside the neighborhood group, host your party and have fun with those who show up. If you live near the Queen Bee, I agree that people will likely hit both parties, especially those who already RSVP'd to yours.

But OP needs to RSVP. I'd respond and say that you can't make her party since you have yours. I'd also ask if she was still planning on attending. But keep your party and have fun with your real friends, who are the people who RSVP'd yes to yours and will show up.

The Queen Bee is obviously not coming to OP's party. No need to ask. And OP isn't going to hers so should RSVP accordingly, although earlier she said she might send her husband and kids to the other party, which I think is strange, but all of OP's responses have seemed off (troll?).

I don't think OP is a troll. I think she naively thought that she fell into this wonderful friend group in her new town and didn't put together that the catty queen bee would target her given the opportunity. Her responses have actually made sense...she followed up to see if there was a mix-up in the dates, and confirmed that she wasn't going to go all out to have some "best ever" party like several idiotic posters suggested. The OP has younger kids and is still in her 30s - I didn't discover how awful other mothers and adult mom "friends" could be to each other until my mid to late thirties as well. I thought it was all sunshine and rainbows in the suburbs.

NP here. You’ve scared me! I’m in my early 30s — why does it get worse??

I read this thread and I’m horrified by this woman’s behavior in hosting the second party. I don’t think I could engage with that kind of toxicity. “Ok, hope you have a good holiday, sorry to miss you guys on the 4th” is probably the best I could do if I felt like I had to respond. And then RSVP no officially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know that no one will attend your party OP??
Have your invited guests cancelled their RSVPs?

Because that would be the only good reason to cancel a party that you have already sent invites for as well as accepted RSVPs for (I am assuming.)

If this friend is truly upset w/you ➕ your husband for not attending her Memorial Day party then she is nuts & you do not want to be friends w/someone who has placed “conditions” on your friendship.
It is very unlikely that she is miffed that you didn’t attend her party - - could she be mad at you for something else perhaps?

OP, do not cancel your party >> unless of course no one can attend.

Good luck!

I don’t. I assumed the mutual group would attend hers over mine out of loyalty. I was catastrophizing a bit. There’s actually plenty of time to attend both we live 4 miles away from one another and it’s like a 6 hour block of time.

Once this all rolls over I’m going to ask her if we upset her. She did invite us so I’ll probably go over to hers for an hour to save face.

I wouldn't. You'd be feeding into her narcissism/queen bee-ism and look like you're groveling to get back into her good graces. See how the parties play out and then move on. You've already apologized for missing her Mem Day party.

+1

There is a queen bee in my circle who decided to cut me out of things. I did not mention it to even one mutual friend, so no gossip could be passed on.

My friends were really into her as happens with charismatic narcissists. They talked about her a lot, and I would nod and smile.

I ignored how friends invited the narc over when I was not able to hang out. So then I knew my friends probably know she hates me.

But I play a very long game, and I have never appeared bothered.

My therapist thinks this woman treats me this way because she told me about something horrible that happened to her. I never told anyone beyond my therapist about that, and it is the only thing I can think of. Maybe she regretted telling me.

So, OP, I would consider this woman in your world may have some big issue that gets taken out on you but is not your fault.

And, eventually, people see narcs for what they are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are handling it well, although I’d probably not go to her party or ask to hang out with her afterwards. Let this play itself out, her true colors will shine.

I am here to beg you to post about what happens and the aftermath. I like hearing about QBs and their demise.

For what it’s worth, I’m in a big friend group and we recently went on a big group trip without the QB and it was seriously so lovely and drama free. I hope your party is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you can't just have a normal, adult conversation with her?

Hey Becky, I'm a little confused. You confirmed for my 4th party and now I get an invite to your party? Did you forget I'm having the party on the 4th?

Seriously, it some time. Why crowd source this stupid problem of yours?

It's really cute how you think the other neighbor can have an adult conversation.