Marriage like a train wreck in slow motion before my eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

Well you don’t have any dependents until you have kids. And taking care of an apartment with or without roommates is never similar to a single family home with a yard, appliances, pool, hvac or water tank systems and vehicle.

I’d say have them plan a trip and see how stupid or overcost it is, but now brain dead losers use generic ChatGPT to respond to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about her whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

What's the difference? I'm not questioning her hatred for him.

“Not caring about someone” is a choice, he is opting out. He doesn’t care what OP thinks, does or needs. Why is he opting out? You may never know- it’s a mix of not caring, being selfish, and inabilities.

“Cannot provide care” means he is incompetent or incapable of providing care, no matter what his intent, or what he tries, or if he never tries, it will not happen or be productive or effective. The whole, can’t lead a horse to water and make it drink.

What the above means for OP is that needs to build a life that does not depend on this guy. He cannot or will not be helpful or involved.
And then she needs to reevaluate if she wants to continue in this sort of marriage or not.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a gray divorce is the best of a bunch of bad choices forward.

That plus hire a ton of household help and therapists, if you have the money and see progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

PP, Love it! Op, things will get better, sometimes it got worse before better though...hang in there.
I can relate to the above, only change is ADHD wife and ADHD son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and I just can't live together for long periods of time. I had to put my little boy first for a long time, but we are a team. We have time to work on us nowadays, the relationship is different, we are different. We changed, hopefully for better!

You start being kinder to yourself, hug and give yourself space to not feeling okay for the moment. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

Well you don’t have any dependents until you have kids. And taking care of an apartment with or without roommates is never similar to a single family home with a yard, appliances, pool, hvac or water tank systems and vehicle.

I’d say have them plan a trip and see how stupid or overcost it is, but now brain dead losers use generic ChatGPT to respond to everything.

I find it impossible to believe autism never showed up until there were kids. I think the wives are ND themselves in these cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

Sorry but being only being a paycheck does not make one a parent, homeowner or life partner.
Child support via family courts agrees with that as well.

It's disturbing and naive when people without a paycheck minimize the importance of a paycheck. (I'm a divorced breadwinner mom and have experienced all this 1st hand and have many struggling divorced mom friends)
Scenario- he makes net $15,000/month, works 50hrs/week . You live in a nice 4BR house and you are a PT employee or SAHM, and take care of 90% of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, appointments, bill paying, etc in 50+ hrs/week, and then maybe more after hours. His $10,000 pays the mortgage, etc, car payment, kid activities, some vacations.

Then you divorce and get 60-80% custody, because he's still working 50hrs/week. BUT now you need somewhere to live and only get $4500/month child support to live on, so you must get a job or better one, because $4500/month doesn't cover even half your bills now. So, you're still doing 90% of the kids/house stuff, but now need to work a lot too. and living a lifestyle of scarcity. It's much harder than people admit.

So, instead of divorce, first try using $2000-$4000 of his monthly income TO HIRE LOTS OF HELP AND NICETIES FOR YOUR FAMILY. to help lessen your resentment. The saying "It's much cheaper than a divorce" is absolutely true. And also, give up on being perfect now, because it's much easier than moving into survival mode as a single mom.

[Anonymous]

"No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now."

You need to start by working on yourself and find meaning in life. Connect with some mom groups, Church, exercise, call old friends, go visit family, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about her whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

What's the difference? I'm not questioning her hatred for him.

“Not caring about someone” is a choice, he is opting out. He doesn’t care what OP thinks, does or needs. Why is he opting out? You may never know- it’s a mix of not caring, being selfish, and inabilities.

“Cannot provide care” means he is incompetent or incapable of providing care, no matter what his intent, or what he tries, or if he never tries, it will not happen or be productive or effective. The whole, can’t lead a horse to water and make it drink.

What the above means for OP is that needs to build a life that does not depend on this guy. He cannot or will not be helpful or involved.
And then she needs to reevaluate if she wants to continue in this sort of marriage or not.

Ok... Literally none of which is inconsistent with the above...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

Well you don’t have any dependents until you have kids. And taking care of an apartment with or without roommates is never similar to a single family home with a yard, appliances, pool, hvac or water tank systems and vehicle.

I’d say have them plan a trip and see how stupid or overcost it is, but now brain dead losers use generic ChatGPT to respond to everything.

I find it impossible to believe autism never showed up until there were kids. I think the wives are ND themselves in these cases.

It's possible you've not been close with a high-functioning, high-masking, relatively-low-support-needs individual who might not even know they're masking until the demands get too great that the mask falls off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

Well you don’t have any dependents until you have kids. And taking care of an apartment with or without roommates is never similar to a single family home with a yard, appliances, pool, hvac or water tank systems and vehicle.

I’d say have them plan a trip and see how stupid or overcost it is, but now brain dead losers use generic ChatGPT to respond to everything.

I find it impossible to believe autism never showed up until there were kids. I think the wives are ND themselves in these cases.

It's possible you've not been close with a high-functioning, high-masking, relatively-low-support-needs individual who might not even know they're masking until the demands get too great that the mask falls off.

I think we need to know more about the person who failed to read the signs. Because no, I've never encountered someone who had everyone completely fooled until "the mask slips". That's a cop out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

Well you don’t have any dependents until you have kids. And taking care of an apartment with or without roommates is never similar to a single family home with a yard, appliances, pool, hvac or water tank systems and vehicle.

I’d say have them plan a trip and see how stupid or overcost it is, but now brain dead losers use generic ChatGPT to respond to everything.

I find it impossible to believe autism never showed up until there were kids. I think the wives are ND themselves in these cases.

Nope, probably high functioning type A, independent empaths.
Then when adult responsibilities really piled up, they saw the tide go out and there was their faking it ASD husband who couldn’t do jack squat for anyone but himself.

Besides most obvious failure to launch adhd or asd peeps don’t marry at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

Sorry but being only being a paycheck does not make one a parent, homeowner or life partner.
Child support via family courts agrees with that as well.

It's disturbing and naive when people without a paycheck minimize the importance of a paycheck. (I'm a divorced breadwinner mom and have experienced all this 1st hand and have many struggling divorced mom friends)
Scenario- he makes net $15,000/month, works 50hrs/week . You live in a nice 4BR house and you are a PT employee or SAHM, and take care of 90% of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, appointments, bill paying, etc in 50+ hrs/week, and then maybe more after hours. His $10,000 pays the mortgage, etc, car payment, kid activities, some vacations.

Then you divorce and get 60-80% custody, because he's still working 50hrs/week. BUT now you need somewhere to live and only get $4500/month child support to live on, so you must get a job or better one, because $4500/month doesn't cover even half your bills now. So, you're still doing 90% of the kids/house stuff, but now need to work a lot too. and living a lifestyle of scarcity. It's much harder than people admit.

So, instead of divorce, first try using $2000-$4000 of his monthly income TO HIRE LOTS OF HELP AND NICETIES FOR YOUR FAMILY. to help lessen your resentment. The saying "It's much cheaper than a divorce" is absolutely true. And also, give up on being perfect now, because it's much easier than moving into survival mode as a single mom.

It’s disturbing and naive that people still think marrying a paycheck isn’t lonely and a slap in the face. Besides, wanna guess how long a zero executive functioning audhd person can keep a good job going? They basically have to go narrow, specialize, get promoted fast so they can bully or fool others into doing the real work so they can think up ideas or lecture clients or pontificate around like senior people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

Sorry but being only being a paycheck does not make one a parent, homeowner or life partner.
Child support via family courts agrees with that as well.

It's disturbing and naive when people without a paycheck minimize the importance of a paycheck. (I'm a divorced breadwinner mom and have experienced all this 1st hand and have many struggling divorced mom friends)
Scenario- he makes net $15,000/month, works 50hrs/week . You live in a nice 4BR house and you are a PT employee or SAHM, and take care of 90% of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, appointments, bill paying, etc in 50+ hrs/week, and then maybe more after hours. His $10,000 pays the mortgage, etc, car payment, kid activities, some vacations.

Then you divorce and get 60-80% custody, because he's still working 50hrs/week. BUT now you need somewhere to live and only get $4500/month child support to live on, so you must get a job or better one, because $4500/month doesn't cover even half your bills now. So, you're still doing 90% of the kids/house stuff, but now need to work a lot too. and living a lifestyle of scarcity. It's much harder than people admit.

So, instead of divorce, first try using $2000-$4000 of his monthly income TO HIRE LOTS OF HELP AND NICETIES FOR YOUR FAMILY. to help lessen your resentment. The saying "It's much cheaper than a divorce" is absolutely true. And also, give up on being perfect now, because it's much easier than moving into survival mode as a single mom.

So another vote for launch the kids and Gray Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

Well you don’t have any dependents until you have kids. And taking care of an apartment with or without roommates is never similar to a single family home with a yard, appliances, pool, hvac or water tank systems and vehicle.

I’d say have them plan a trip and see how stupid or overcost it is, but now brain dead losers use generic ChatGPT to respond to everything.

I find it impossible to believe autism never showed up until there were kids. I think the wives are ND themselves in these cases.

It's possible you've not been close with a high-functioning, high-masking, relatively-low-support-needs individual who might not even know they're masking until the demands get too great that the mask falls off.

I think we need to know more about the person who failed to read the signs. Because no, I've never encountered someone who had everyone completely fooled until "the mask slips". That's a cop out.

There’s lots written in the subject by psychologists. But you wouldn’t know that since you’re just here as a tourist or train wreck person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

Sorry but being only being a paycheck does not make one a parent, homeowner or life partner.
Child support via family courts agrees with that as well.

It's disturbing and naive when people without a paycheck minimize the importance of a paycheck. (I'm a divorced breadwinner mom and have experienced all this 1st hand and have many struggling divorced mom friends)
Scenario- he makes net $15,000/month, works 50hrs/week . You live in a nice 4BR house and you are a PT employee or SAHM, and take care of 90% of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, appointments, bill paying, etc in 50+ hrs/week, and then maybe more after hours. His $10,000 pays the mortgage, etc, car payment, kid activities, some vacations.

Then you divorce and get 60-80% custody, because he's still working 50hrs/week. BUT now you need somewhere to live and only get $4500/month child support to live on, so you must get a job or better one, because $4500/month doesn't cover even half your bills now. So, you're still doing 90% of the kids/house stuff, but now need to work a lot too. and living a lifestyle of scarcity. It's much harder than people admit.

So, instead of divorce, first try using $2000-$4000 of his monthly income TO HIRE LOTS OF HELP AND NICETIES FOR YOUR FAMILY. to help lessen your resentment. The saying "It's much cheaper than a divorce" is absolutely true. And also, give up on being perfect now, because it's much easier than moving into survival mode as a single mom.

Except it seems like OP wants a support system, not “help” with household chores. Money can’t replace a partner who is invested in your wellbeing and cares about your dreams.