Marriage like a train wreck in slow motion before my eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

[Anonymous]

Two sn kids will put a lot of strain on a primary caregiver and on a marriage. can you afford or qualify for respite care? The women I know who went through this who were able to get out of the house more via professional training or part time work found a lot of relief that way.

[Anonymous]

If you can not get yourself help, then what do you expect from him? It starts within yourself. I am not sure what you need but see doctors, try various medications. You are home and most appointments are virtual now so I do not know why it is difficult to make an appointment. Psychiatrist give out drugs like its Halloween. I am on Lexapro and work with SN kids with a SN kids of my own. My husband also has a serious health condition. Tis life. Deal and live. I make sure I take my medicine, get atleast 8 hours of sleep because I know I am cranky if I do not sleep well, and I make sure I eat. I can go all day without eating and it messes me up mentally. I also take breaks from my family. I let my husband know that I am going for errands and literally sit out in the park by myself or take a nap in the car. Do what you need to do for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

What happens if you get sick or badly injured? Who takes care of you or the remaining household obligations, post kid launch?

He does. As I said, we are post-crisis.

Do you have any examples of him successfully taking care of someone without another adult or you around?

I’d be worried he would hit the wall again like he did for 18 years of child rearing (what you call the crisis), and check out again.

[Anonymous]

Raising children is THE test of adulthood.

Having a job and fancy apartment is not.

So all yall hooing your spouse is “in the clearl due to you raising then kids solo, keeping the house running solo, and working and yet jumping for joy that you dragged his deadweight up the mountain and yet believe he’s got your back when the going gets tough…. Are delusional.

He does not have your back. He fails and fails again at that. Wait until you need advocacy at a hospital system, or need physical or mental help running the house when incapacitated. It won’t be pretty. And change your guardian of health to someone with a brain who cares, and has demonstrated that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

1) Stop faking for him. Match his energy and save your strength for yourself and your kids. I started putting myself first (or second after the kids) when I finally accepted he would never. It sucks, but if we were divorced I'd be doing the same thing. Also, I tell him stuff he has to do. Yes, it's mostly things a chimp could be trained to do because he's not interested in putting in any effort, but it is helpful to not have to worry about the dishes and garbage.

2) Are you thinking of hurting yourself? Talk to someone. Make an appointment with your primary care doctor and tell them you are drowning. Call a crisis line. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

What happens if you get sick or badly injured? Who takes care of you or the remaining household obligations, post kid launch?

He does. As I said, we are post-crisis.

Do you have any examples of him successfully taking care of someone without another adult or you around?

I’d be worried he would hit the wall again like he did for 18 years of child rearing (what you call the crisis), and check out again.

He can take care of medical crises, and he did that with me and with one of his children already, so I know he can do it again. He's a doctor, so he has special training for that! But anything that has to do with emotional support during a medical crisis, or anything to do with mental health disorders, he cannot do, since he lacks the socio-communication tools to address those. This is why he butts heads with his autistic kid - neither have the tools. If I'm gone, my autistic kid will be given money to survive, but no guidance of any sort.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually talked to him and been direct about what's going on? You can't expect him to read your mind esp if you're faking it around him.

You also need your own life outside of mom/wife. Find an activity you enjoy. Make some friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

What happens if you get sick or badly injured? Who takes care of you or the remaining household obligations, post kid launch?

He does. As I said, we are post-crisis.

Do you have any examples of him successfully taking care of someone without another adult or you around?

I’d be worried he would hit the wall again like he did for 18 years of child rearing (what you call the crisis), and check out again.

He can take care of medical crises, and he did that with me and with one of his children already, so I know he can do it again. He's a doctor, so he has special training for that! But anything that has to do with emotional support during a medical crisis, or anything to do with mental health disorders, he cannot do, since he lacks the socio-communication tools to address those. This is why he butts heads with his autistic kid - neither have the tools. If I'm gone, my autistic kid will be given money to survive, but no guidance of any sort.

So what you're saying is he is autistic too. That explains a lot about why he's not doing what you want him to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

It’s a wonder anyone would marry someone like that. Seems like some massive red flags were overlooked.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to expand your emotional support network. Your husband is obviously a shallow pool that you're not going to get much from.

Find a book club, or a workout group, or a PTA committee, or a church . . . anything where you will be in regular contact with other humans. And start saying yes to things even if you want to say no.

Because even if you don't get divorced, your spouse can die. Everyone needs friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

You mean married to someone who doesn’t care about here whatsoever AND cannot provide care to her or to the child.

What's the difference? I'm not questioning her hatred for him.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband may be autistic. There are lots of successful professionals, especially in STEM, that were never officially diagnosed but would fit well the definition of level 1 autistic or at least show autistic traits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

What happens if you get sick or badly injured? Who takes care of you or the remaining household obligations, post kid launch?

He does. As I said, we are post-crisis.

Do you have any examples of him successfully taking care of someone without another adult or you around?

I’d be worried he would hit the wall again like he did for 18 years of child rearing (what you call the crisis), and check out again.

He can take care of medical crises, and he did that with me and with one of his children already, so I know he can do it again. He's a doctor, so he has special training for that! But anything that has to do with emotional support during a medical crisis, or anything to do with mental health disorders, he cannot do, since he lacks the socio-communication tools to address those. This is why he butts heads with his autistic kid - neither have the tools. If I'm gone, my autistic kid will be given money to survive, but no guidance of any sort.

How’s his executive functioning at home?
Does he proactively get car repairs or maintenance done, or book bday dinners or presents, or have goals like seeing a Cap game or concert and look it up? Plus the usual pick up after himself, clean up, clothes away, wash dishes…

[Anonymous]

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