Marriage like a train wreck in slow motion before my eyes

[Anonymous]

We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need a job. For self-esteem and independence. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need a job. For self-esteem and independence. Start there.

I would like this. Not sure how to make this work with spouse’s current job and SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Look at the good parts: you don't have a job and have more time for yourself, and you are also not being abused as you don't mention it.
You are not homeless and don't need money as you don't mention those either.
First, see what you have and be thankful, then see what you need and take the first step.

[Anonymous]

First step should be to ask your primary care physician for an antidepressant and try to change your attitude your life. You are in a bad spot but so are your husband and kids. Having a depressed wife and special needs children while trying to keep a job and pay the bills isn't a treat for him either. Having parents who are depressed and resentful isn't a walk in the park for the kids either.

Start by being kind to yourself and your family. You can start by planting few plants or putting some flowers on the table. Walk regularly, make healthy food, dress well, go easy on kids, hug your DH, just small steps. Go to church, take cookies for a neighbor, substitute or volunteer at kid's school.

You can gradually change things and transition to a better phase with less stress and more support for each other. Best of luck with every step!

If you two can't do in person counseling, try to do tele-counseling or at least talk to AI.

[Anonymous]

Also see OBGYN or talk to primary care doctor about perimenopause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also see OBGYN or talk to primary care doctor about perimenopause.

This X 10000000000000000000000000000

Also an anti-anxiety. And ask around. Lots of counseling is virtual now and that may be workable with your situation.

Lastly- you need breaks. Get a babysitter once/twice a week so you can do something else for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also see OBGYN or talk to primary care doctor about perimenopause.

This X 10000000000000000000000000000

Also an anti-anxiety. And ask around. Lots of counseling is virtual now and that may be workable with your situation.

Lastly- you need breaks. Get a babysitter once/twice a week so you can do something else for yourself.

This isn’t always an option or a net gain when you have a SN kid. Sounds like OP needs a more supportive partner because she lacks a support system entirely.

[Anonymous]

Not sure where the kids are on SN threshold but some churches provide SN childcare and if i didn't have another outlet that 1-2 hours of no one asking for anything would be nice. If possible the YMCA can be helpful too because you can workout while they are somewhere safe.

[Anonymous]

Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

Believe me, if you divorce, you will start being forced to be more communicative and finding a bigger support system (with much much less financial resources) so do it now, before you both destroy you marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need a job. For self-esteem and independence. Start there.

Good advice.