Marriage like a train wreck in slow motion before my eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

The expectation that he be “curious” about your mental state and that you be “cheerful” for him, as a combo, is making you miserable. You don’t have to be cheerful all the time. Normal men don’t have the emotional language to talk about mental states. You need to accept reality before you move forward. He’s not directly responsible for being your therapist or making you feel better. Get a therapist for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

That's understandable, be patient, stay positive and keep taking baby steps to improve your situation. Make a win diary and write every good thing, no matter how small so you have data for positive change you are making.

[Anonymous]

OP, why can't you leave?
If you got hospitalized for a week could DH pay to replace your duties?
Take a week off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

Call someone you know, anyone (friend, relative, neighbor, your own husband), and say "I can't do this anymore. I need help. Please come and help me out of my funk." They can arrive at your home, go into your computer, you will tell them your login, and make a PCP and a psychiatrist's appointment for you. You need both, because some physical diseases mimic mental health disorders. For all you know, you could be developing a thyroid storm, which comes with a feeling of impending doom. You need extensive bloodwork ordered by your PCP. You also need to get in with a psychiatrist. And then you need a therapist to talk to regularly.

The first order of business is to clear you of any urgent medical problem. I went into thyroid storm in my 30s and ended up in the ER and then the ICU. I felt awful - depressed and panicked at the same time. My resting heart rate was at 120bpm and I couldn't sleep all. Worst period of my life. And all that, of course, when my marriage wasn't doing well and my husband wasn't looking after me as much as he should. He turned it around when he realized he had to call 911.

[Anonymous]

Do you have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

You can't expect your DH to be your whole village or you to be his whole village. Both of you need therapists, family, friends, clergy, neighbors, community, me time, kiddy time, social time and couple time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

The expectation that he be “curious” about your mental state and that you be “cheerful” for him, as a combo, is making you miserable. You don’t have to be cheerful all the time. Normal men don’t have the emotional language to talk about mental states. You need to accept reality before you move forward. He’s not directly responsible for being your therapist or making you feel better. Get a therapist for that.

What? I interpreted that as OP wanting her DH to simply care about how she’s doing and that he instead expects her to put on a happy face. My guess is he’s avoidant and she’s anxiously attached but learned long ago it’s not safe to express needs. Didn’t seem to me like she’s wallowing and expecting too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Yes, same here but work and too pissed off to be depressed.

One day at a time.

Do things in waves.

Individual Zoom therapy for ND/NT “relationships” (if you could call them that given the neglect and checked outness of the ND)

Socialize with normal people at work or elsewhere

Get a support group locally or online or your family wherever they live. Start telling real life people the truth about your homelife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now. I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

Do you have your own money? A pre nup? If not, why aren't you working when you're married to someone you hate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are 15 years in, 2 kids, both avoidant, both uncommunicative. Dealing with depression, anxiety, SN kids. Don’t have the bandwidth to even get myself help. Has anything helped you? I can’t leave, but my mental health is rapidly tanking. I am utterly unsupported. Tired of being the only one who’s learning about psychology/relationships regarding myself, my family. No family to talk to, no local friends, not even working right now.

I feel so lost and navigating this world as a woman with a partner who doesn’t GAF about the world we live in or is too chicken to show up. Please tell me some of you have come back from this.

This is bad.

Even if he makes a ton of money- which I hope he does - this is very lonely and depressing.

You’ll have to see everything for what it is. Bad. Then trudge forward. Women have had to do this for generations of very bad family situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

What happens if you get sick or badly injured? Who takes care of you or the remaining household obligations, post kid launch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate the compassion and helpful pointers. Over the past 2 years I’ve tried multiple mediations and hormones and I’m still really struggling. It doesn’t help that DH has no curiosity about what I’m going through. I have turned myself inside out to be cheerful for him when he comes home and for the kids. I am so overwhelmed trying to navigate the system for getting help that it feels really bleak. I feel so incredibly hopeless on bad days. I’ve been depressed before so I know what it feels like, but being married and responsible for kids and being so alone makes everything so much worse. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it sounds insane but I’m not functioning well enough to make appointments. I’ve tried multiple times over the past 3 months and each time I am met with barriers and I end up breaking down. I just want to disappear.

He has no emotional capacity to be there for you or anyone. And likely never had, he was masking and faking it to get a caretaker and family image. Now that’s done and he’s moved on back to his office work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I was in a similar situation and it was very hard but eventually got better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it is very important not to face it alone. See what resources are available in your community and social circle. Hugs

Same here. I survived a very bleak period in my life and marriage and am now on the other side. It was really difficult: autistic husband and autistic son. The only way it got better was my son clawing his way into college. Now there's no conflict in the family home. DS and DH just can't live together for long periods of time.

What happens if you get sick or badly injured? Who takes care of you or the remaining household obligations, post kid launch?

He does. As I said, we are post-crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a deadbeat, unemployed, sit on couch all day, doing no chores, driving, anything? If not, he is actually supporting the family, as are you, in different ways.

A spouse is not supposed to be your be all end all friend. Being "avoidant, uncommunicative" is bad for both of you

Find good girlfriends and a therapist to talk to and hire help for the kids.

Divorce sucks and switching to being adversaries in parenting and life is so much worse than needing a bit more support.

Sorry but being only being a paycheck does not make one a parent, homeowner or life partner.
Child support via family courts agrees with that as well.

[Anonymous]

Are either of you drinking? You need to see a psychotherapist and get on anti-anxiety medication and talk therapy. How is your sleep? Can you check into a hotel for some respite? I'm so sorry you're going through this.