For those who want a Parent to move to an AL..

[Anonymous]

During a recent visit to my parents house, my mother kept on pointing things out to me that might be valuable - "that unmarked box in the bottom of that cabinet might have some art in it" - and I gently suggested she put it somewhere with other valuables, and throw out things that were less important. She looked at me and said "That's your job."

It is worth noting that neither of my parents ever cared for an elderly parent or relative, so they have no idea how big of a burden it can be.

As PP notes, now that I have experienced this, I will make a point to not do this to my children. It is my responsibility to manage my belongings and make reasonable plans for my aging.

[Anonymous]

We recently toured a very nice development that has SFHs, townhomes, condos, etc. It is not a 55+ community whatsoever, though it does have many 2nd home owners (who tend to be older) and retirees. It's probably 65% retirees/2nd home owners and 35% local families with kids.

One of their selling points is that the developer also built a CCRC (not directly in the compound...but adjacent) where the current owners get priority to enter the CCRC.

It was interesting because this development was the only one to have such a feature and I thought maybe that's the best answer. When the time comes, you have to move...but you are just moving a mile away so the change doesn't feel all that dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

Yep, I also think you have to do it quietly. Go off the pills, stop eating, arrange something else. Not tell your kid to put you in the garage -- it's a worse burden than becoming a vegetable! Your kids don't want to know!

[Anonymous]

We're on the waiting list for a CCRC, and we're not even retired.

My parents moved to a CCRC. His did not. The results were dramatically different. Likewise with decluttering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're on the waiting list for a CCRC, and we're not even retired.

My parents moved to a CCRC. His did not. The results were dramatically different. Likewise with decluttering.

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

I’m planning to do this but I’m not telling my kids, and I certainly wouldn’t want them to do the work for it! Ridiculous. I’m putting myself in the garage myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

Yep, I also think you have to do it quietly. Go off the pills, stop eating, arrange something else. Not tell your kid to put you in the garage -- it's a worse burden than becoming a vegetable! Your kids don't want to know!

I have written that I don’t want to be on machines if I become a vegetable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

Nope, our parents have always said they will not move from their houses. They will "age in place" with help. One lives in a hoarded house, one in a 6000 sq foot house. Both have lots of deferred maintenance. They call us when there is an emergency like they can't find their car or the remote won't work. It doesn't cause any resentment at all.

OK well see how you feel when they start falling, getting ambulances and need someone to drive to and from hospital, wait for them after surgeries, advocate for them in the ER where they will spend 6-8 hours waiting for "scans". and on and on.

+1. My brother and SIL do this, and it only works because my SIL is a doctor at the hospital they go to so she can speed everything up.

[Anonymous]

What about you? What are your long term plans so that you won’t be a burden to your children, as you seem to complain about your elderly parent. Do you have a plan in place for a retirement community,downsizing,long term facility? We will all be old sooner or later, if lucky in health, or unlucky some might think.

Would you live in the same place that you want to send your parent and why so much anger/frustration that they want to age in place? I get it.

I'm going to ignore the weirdly hostile tone of this question and answer to the best of my abilities. First, spouse and I are looking at one level home or condo with a smaller footprint and fewer things to manage. We are also considering a CCRC, with the caveat that we have no idea where our children will end up, and we know from experience that it is very hard on middle age folks who have kids of their own to keep flying back and forth to check in on parents because, no matter how good your AL is, when the sh*t hits the fan someone needs to be there to help. At the point where we can't manage on our own or with help, we will move to AL near the child that wants us nearby (if either of them do, if not, so be it, we choose the CCRC where we want to be). we have also written a regular advanced directive and a dementia directive. We have saved enough money to fund care and are looking into an insurance policy with a LTC rider for additional cushion.

We were content to let my mother age in place with help coming in until 1) she got in 3 car accidents in a year (ultimately we took the keys) ; 2) she fell and broke her collarbone and needed a lot of emotional handholding as well as physical care and 3) she was scammed out of something like 200k. At that point, we had to intervene so that she would not lose all the money that could help her age well. She agreed to move to AL near me (and her grandkids) and chose a place she was relatively happy in, until her dementia got so bad she had to move to memory care. Until the bitter end, she recognized me, and I saw there almost daily, which meant I could look out for her in a way that I could never do had she "aged in place" alone across the country without the ability to even make a phone call.

While its important to respect the choices and autonomy of our family members, it is also important to recognize when they are no longer able to care for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

I hope you were joking because were your son to do that, he'd be charged with murder. Whatever you do, don't do that to your adult child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're on the waiting list for a CCRC, and we're not even retired.

My parents moved to a CCRC. His did not. The results were dramatically different. Likewise with decluttering.

How old are you?

60s. Not planning to move anytime soon, but we want to have our choice of units when we do.

[Anonymous]

We are already planning because we want our kids to stay close in adulthood and not end up estranged and we our kids to enjoy visiting us in our old age.

What are we doing now in our 50s? We declutter several times a year and will be moving in the next few years to downsize. We want at least one bedroom on main level in case either of us need a surgery and can't do steps. It will also be a walkable area.

In our 60s we plan to start researching CCRCs and will explore whether we plan to do that or set up a case management system to age in place. By 70, we will at the very least have a case manager who knows any health issues and can either help us figure out the right setting or help us get the help we needed when needed.

Regarding finances, we will likely have things managed by a lawyer or accountant. I have lived closing an estate and it is miserable and no I didn't pay myself because it would have made things worse with my bat shit crazy and paranoid sibling.

For me, I will be meeting with a neurologist at least yearly starting by 70. Dementia is on both sides and one parent became incredibly abusive. She had those tendencies before, everyone assures me I am nothing like she was before it got really bad (she just lost the good qualities), but I will want to track things and if this turns out to be some sort of genetic-turn into a monster thing, then I need to find out more about the sweet spot where you are allowed the right to die with dignity and crossing over to when you are no longer allowed to make that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During a recent visit to my parents house, my mother kept on pointing things out to me that might be valuable - "that unmarked box in the bottom of that cabinet might have some art in it" - and I gently suggested she put it somewhere with other valuables, and throw out things that were less important. She looked at me and said "That's your job."

It is worth noting that neither of my parents ever cared for an elderly parent or relative, so they have no idea how big of a burden it can be.

As PP notes, now that I have experienced this, I will make a point to not do this to my children. It is my responsibility to manage my belongings and make reasonable plans for my aging.

My mother said the same. She worked part time on and off, mostly didn't work, travelled, shopped, dined, didn't take care of her parents, wasn't involved with her in-laws. I won't tell you my long list of commitments including work and all the caregiving I have done, but I will tell you princess has no clue and screamed at me when I calmly told her I would need to hire someone to sort her stuff. My priorities include many things including her grandchildren, one of whom has a serious illness and special needs! It really is amazing how someone can spend all day focused on me, me,me, live a life of luxury for all those years and expect other people to clean up their messes right up until the end.

[Anonymous]

For those who mentioned home care and how to manage and hire home aids, we hired a care manager who handled this for both my mother and then 10 years later for my father. Worth every dollar.

My concern with CCRCs is that one pays the fee to join and the CCRC go bankrupt before one can actually live out their lives there.