For those who want a Parent to move to an AL..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We should have sufficient funds to pay for round-the-clock aides in our own home, barring a severely debilitating condition that would make nursing home a better option.

Who will organize this? What I have seen with my parents that just because you hire a service to provide the care, someone had to oversee the service for in-home care.

Exactly right. And the house maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

Better this than leaving 50-70 years of accumulated possessions for your kids. That's what my parents and ILs did. It would have been a huge help if they had even done a decent attempt at decluttering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We should have sufficient funds to pay for round-the-clock aides in our own home, barring a severely debilitating condition that would make nursing home a better option.

We had a relative who did this, and in many ways it was lovely, but the problem came towards the end of her life when she was no longer able to manage the hiring of the caregivers when they left or retired. It’s actually quite a lot of work to hire and train good caregivers even through an agency .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We should have sufficient funds to pay for round-the-clock aides in our own home, barring a severely debilitating condition that would make nursing home a better option.

We had a relative who did this, and in many ways it was lovely, but the problem came towards the end of her life when she was no longer able to manage the hiring of the caregivers when they left or retired. It’s actually quite a lot of work to hire and train good caregivers even through an agency .

Unless there is a significantly younger spouse, this responsibility usually falls to the adult child(ren), or if you are lucky, a close niece/nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

Nope. You are wrong.

You will live comfortably, safely and richly if you declutter and get rid of hoarded stuff.

Keep everything that you use regularly, but give away or sell or trash the stuff that you don't.

If you have a well-appointed home with comfortable furniture and personal items...they are easy to tackle by your family members after you die. But, it is the hoarded up stuff that you don't use...that is hard to go through.

Also, the less stuff you keep hoarded up, the less you have to take care of it. It is easier on you and your caregivers. It frees you up to live your life well. You become more social because you are not stressed about your dirty and cluttered home. You can age in place for longer in such a home. You can spend your free time following passions that will keep your mind agile and body young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

I don't think the point is emptying the contents of your house to prison cell level. What really bugged me about my parents was a 4 car garage full of cars and "stuff," a 2000 SF basement of utility shelves packed to the gills, multiple filing cabinets of papers dating back to the 70s, and several walk-in closets overflowing with clothes and accessories. This doesn't even include the storage room, which was the entire unfinished space above the 4 car garage. There was also a separate storage room at a commercial property that they owned.

That's what people are griping about, not the curio cabinet in the living room or the knick-knacks on the bookshelf.

So, how much is that house worth when empty? If they are leaving you hundreds of thousands, spend some of that to bring a few dumpsters and people to fill them up.

They're not dead, my siblings and I had to move them when they couldn't live on 2 levels anymore. What do you think that was like?

[Anonymous]

You don't know what you will actually do until you are in the position to have to choose. For example, my mom was the caregiver for so many, and swore she would never do that, that she would go to a CCRC. Then the book, "On Being Mortal" came out (she was early 70s), she read it, handed it to me to read, and said, "nope, we will bring in care when needed."

Fast forward a decade, dad is losing his marbles, she had a mild (fortunately) stroke, and she says they are moving. We visited several places, and they moved about 4 months later. Fortunately, it's going well. They have made friends, participate in activities, and the food is delicious - we've joined them for dinner several times. They have a full kitchen, and do a combination of eating in or eating in the dining room - at this point I think most dinners they eat downstairs, and most breakfasts/lunches they eat on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

Nope, our parents have always said they will not move from their houses. They will "age in place" with help. One lives in a hoarded house, one in a 6000 sq foot house. Both have lots of deferred maintenance. They call us when there is an emergency like they can't find their car or the remote won't work. It doesn't cause any resentment at all.

OK well see how you feel when they start falling, getting ambulances and need someone to drive to and from hospital, wait for them after surgeries, advocate for them in the ER where they will spend 6-8 hours waiting for "scans". and on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

I don't think the point is emptying the contents of your house to prison cell level. What really bugged me about my parents was a 4 car garage full of cars and "stuff," a 2000 SF basement of utility shelves packed to the gills, multiple filing cabinets of papers dating back to the 70s, and several walk-in closets overflowing with clothes and accessories. This doesn't even include the storage room, which was the entire unfinished space above the 4 car garage. There was also a separate storage room at a commercial property that they owned.

That's what people are griping about, not the curio cabinet in the living room or the knick-knacks on the bookshelf.

So, how much is that house worth when empty? If they are leaving you hundreds of thousands, spend some of that to bring a few dumpsters and people to fill them up.

Me again. You can't just throw everything in a dumpster. For example, my mom used to hide sentimental family jewelry in her socks. Not her sock drawer, inside the actual socks. I don't plan to leave my kids with that volume of stuff, which if you read my original post, is ridiculous. That's many decades of shopping and hoarding. It's frankly unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm doing the Swedish Death Cleanse right now, or something similar. I'm 50+ and my kids are in high school, so I'm cleaning out all of their stuff that is not longer used -- clothes, toys, sports equipment -- I sell and donate. Most of the stuff we have is kids'. I could clean out my own stuff within 1 day.

Other than that my plan is to stop taking medication if I end up with a handful. I'm taking nothing at the moment.

You're such a good mom. My mom has every item that was ever gifted to me and my siblings from our whole life. Her excuse: those aren't my things to give away. Um, yeah, you kind of are responsible to manage your minor children's possessions, particularly things from elementary school.

Anytime we try and help her clean everything out, she has an excuse as to why it's not a good time. It's going to be a disaster at the end.

You have my sympathy on the “it’s never a good time”. That’s a favorite of my mom’s as well.

[Anonymous]

I have plenty of experience in this. Best suggestions:

1. Declutter and don’t hoard
2. Move closer to family
3. Prepaid funeral plans
4. Decide ahead of time whether you eventually want to go to a CCC facility or age in place (24/7 aides are super expensive)
5. Get a concierge doctor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We should have sufficient funds to pay for round-the-clock aides in our own home, barring a severely debilitating condition that would make nursing home a better option.

Who will organize this? What I have seen with my parents that just because you hire a service to provide the care, someone had to oversee the service for in-home care.

Exactly. Round the clock care takes a ton of time to manage. It’s tough work for low pay so plenty of no-shows and calendar management. Needs change and if you have mobility challenges or medical needs you may need more than one person on a shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

Nope, our parents have always said they will not move from their houses. They will "age in place" with help. One lives in a hoarded house, one in a 6000 sq foot house. Both have lots of deferred maintenance. They call us when there is an emergency like they can't find their car or the remote won't work. It doesn't cause any resentment at all.

OK well see how you feel when they start falling, getting ambulances and need someone to drive to and from hospital, wait for them after surgeries, advocate for them in the ER where they will spend 6-8 hours waiting for "scans". and on and on.

I took the PP as being sarcastic about no resentment. Otherwise does not compute!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have plenty of experience in this. Best suggestions:

1. Declutter and don’t hoard
2. Move closer to family
3. Prepaid funeral plans
4. Decide ahead of time whether you eventually want to go to a CCC facility or age in place (24/7 aides are super expensive)
5. Get a concierge doctor

DP here. I will add a few more -

6. Make family decisions and when your kids think that you should move. Trust them.
7. Keep your legal papers etc in good condition and keep kids informed. Make sure that you divide the inheritance according to the wishes of all your children so that there in no ill-will among them.
8. Write a playbook for your kids for various scenarios so that they can follow through on what needs to be done if you die or your spouse dies.
9. CCTV and Ring Camera. Secure your home. Don't keep valuables at your home.
10. Invest in making your house elderly friendly - bars in the bathrooms, anti-skid floors, escalator.
11. Keep ahead of your health checkups and don't wait for illness to become hard to treat.
12. Make sure that you are keeping pace with all the benefits AI and Robotics will bring to your life.
13. Wear a hearing aid if you need it. Get your vision checked.
14. Work on your muscles so that you don't have falls when you get older.

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.