For those who want a Parent to move to an AL..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

+100 We have begged my mother to just get rid of some paper - binders of recipes, reference books that aren't relevant anymore, etc. We offer to be her workers so she feels in control. Nope.

My goal is the die with next to nothing so my passing isn't a burden.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I definitely want to go to assisted living if I need it! I want activities, meals prepped by people who took serv safe training, multiple eyes on me to reduce the risk of abuse, and to not worry about scheduling aides. I want my younger family members to visit of course, but not to have to step away from their own lives to care for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We should have sufficient funds to pay for round-the-clock aides in our own home, barring a severely debilitating condition that would make nursing home a better option.

Who will organize this? What I have seen with my parents that just because you hire a service to provide the care, someone had to oversee the service for in-home care.

[Anonymous]

Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely live in the same AL, and then Memory Care place where we encouraged our parents to live. I am 65, btw. Between my DH and I was have experience w/4 parents aging and then passing

What is the problem Op? I don't understand your tone.

[Anonymous]

My goal is the die with next to nothing so my passing isn't a burden.

They get a dumpster and your stuff's gone by the end of a long weekend.
ok, maybe two or three dumpsters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

I think what everyone here is saying is that we have a plan for the help, and our kids aren't Plan A.

I feel bad for families with parents that can't afford any help- those are the people that will be in a bind.

[Anonymous]

Yes, DH and I plan to move to a CC place once the kids are out of college and launched. We are getting rid of a little bit of stuff every weekend, and we have told our kids that we will never burden them the way our parents have refused to do anything to help us help them.
Yes, I would never send a parent to a place that I would not like. I've visiting a few, and honestly, they seem like fun, sort of like college for old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

Nope, our parents have always said they will not move from their houses. They will "age in place" with help. One lives in a hoarded house, one in a 6000 sq foot house. Both have lots of deferred maintenance. They call us when there is an emergency like they can't find their car or the remote won't work. It doesn't cause any resentment at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

I don't think the point is emptying the contents of your house to prison cell level. What really bugged me about my parents was a 4 car garage full of cars and "stuff," a 2000 SF basement of utility shelves packed to the gills, multiple filing cabinets of papers dating back to the 70s, and several walk-in closets overflowing with clothes and accessories. This doesn't even include the storage room, which was the entire unfinished space above the 4 car garage. There was also a separate storage room at a commercial property that they owned.

That's what people are griping about, not the curio cabinet in the living room or the knick-knacks on the bookshelf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

I think what everyone here is saying is that we have a plan for the help, and our kids aren't Plan A.

I feel bad for families with parents that can't afford any help- those are the people that will be in a bind.

I get that. But I was responding to the people who say they will take themselves out, or will never want help, and they'll put a plan in place. But reality is plenty of people say that, and very few actually do what is necessary to make it happen. Moreover, there is simply a lot that elderly cannot do. And if you, as the child, live anywhere near the AL facility, they will call you to deal with difficult situations anyway.

[Anonymous]

It seems like OP is looking to make some kind of point that adult children who look after their aging parents are hypocrites. But in my experience, once people have taken care of elderly parents they tend to make arrangements for themselves early so they are never that kind of burden on their children. You should never let your attachment to a house or to inanimate objects cause suffering for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

Good idea. Do a Swedish Death Cleanse when you are in your late 50s and early 60s. Sell everything you don't need on FB market place. Simplify so that you or your kids don't have to do that.

This is hilarious. Unless you plan on living for 20 plus years (from your early 60s on) with nothing but a bed, table and 2 dining chairs, you’ll have plenty of junk. That lovely decorated living room of yours? When your kids have to dispose of it, it becomes junk. Ditto your curated wardrobe.

I don't think the point is emptying the contents of your house to prison cell level. What really bugged me about my parents was a 4 car garage full of cars and "stuff," a 2000 SF basement of utility shelves packed to the gills, multiple filing cabinets of papers dating back to the 70s, and several walk-in closets overflowing with clothes and accessories. This doesn't even include the storage room, which was the entire unfinished space above the 4 car garage. There was also a separate storage room at a commercial property that they owned.

That's what people are griping about, not the curio cabinet in the living room or the knick-knacks on the bookshelf.

So, how much is that house worth when empty? If they are leaving you hundreds of thousands, spend some of that to bring a few dumpsters and people to fill them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

Same goes for PP who said (s)he won’t take a handful of pills. There are various conditions that require “a handful” of meds, but the person can still have good quality of life and mental faculties.