For those who want a Parent to move to an AL..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I answered earlier but I’m also going to add my observation that for many of us, our parents never had to deal with what we are facing. Neither of my parents had to do elder care. They all died fairly young, rather suddenly in their 60s and 70s. My parents were in theirs 30s/earky 40s at the time. My mom didn’t work. By contrast I (and many of my friends) are engaged in longer term caregiving , not living near parents, parenting kids/teens and in tow working parent families (or single working parent families). At 83, my mom fortunately agreed to move to AL near me, for which am deeply grateful, especially after her Alzheimer’s got worse.

People are living longer but not necessarily healthier lives, end of life care costs have spiraled, ltc coverage no longer worth it, it’s a real crisis.

This is... simply not true. Families have always cared for elderly relatives. Usually relatives lived with them. Maybe people died earlier in past generations, but they didn't all just drop dead, they declined before dying just like many do today.

My MIL, who died at age 100 a few years ago, cared for her FIL (along with her 4 kids) when he moved in with them for a year before his death. My mother, now 80, remembers her grandmother with dementia living with her family when she was in middle school, which means my grandmother cared for 7 kids plus her demented mother for a time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved (“forced” according to her) into AL (“beautiful prison”). It’s a fantastic place and yes my husband and I would move there. She has a lovely apartment, exercise class 3 days/week, bridge 3 days/week, daily happy hour (2 drink max), all meals (good but def not great food), on site nurse 8 am-10 pm, on site OT and PT, lectures by community college profs, etc etc.
She’s now been there 2 months, has made friends, but still thinks of it as prison. So be it. She is safe and well cared for.

These places are a form of a prison. People have to live by the rules, they are managed by the staff, have to deal with an assortment of people that they don't necessarily like, on a daily basis. In the facility near my mom, which is very expensive and highly regarded, they have to eat dinner communally. If they want to eat in their rooms they have to pay extra. I get this forces people to have human interaction, which can be good. But research shows that while the elderly (and all of us) need interaction, negative interaction does nothing to help and can make things worse.

What I have come to understand at a deep level is that end of life is rarely easy on the elderly or the people who care for them.

They're not a form of prison. They're for people who can't live safely at home. Of course there are rules, just like there are rules in dorms, coops, and even apartment buildings. You have to have rules when it's not just you by yourself in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I answered earlier but I’m also going to add my observation that for many of us, our parents never had to deal with what we are facing. Neither of my parents had to do elder care. They all died fairly young, rather suddenly in their 60s and 70s. My parents were in theirs 30s/earky 40s at the time. My mom didn’t work. By contrast I (and many of my friends) are engaged in longer term caregiving , not living near parents, parenting kids/teens and in tow working parent families (or single working parent families). At 83, my mom fortunately agreed to move to AL near me, for which am deeply grateful, especially after her Alzheimer’s got worse.

People are living longer but not necessarily healthier lives, end of life care costs have spiraled, ltc coverage no longer worth it, it’s a real crisis.

This is... simply not true. Families have always cared for elderly relatives. Usually relatives lived with them. Maybe people died earlier in past generations, but they didn't all just drop dead, they declined before dying just like many do today.

My MIL, who died at age 100 a few years ago, cared for her FIL (along with her 4 kids) when he moved in with them for a year before his death. My mother, now 80, remembers her grandmother with dementia living with her family when she was in middle school, which means my grandmother cared for 7 kids plus her demented mother for a time.

Families have cared, but those end of life periods of extensive hands on care were very short. For example, not having diapers available meant that infections and bed sores got one real fast. I grew up in a third world country - once people became bed ridden, most of them didn’t last long.

[Anonymous]

Toileting, bathing, and medication management are some of the hardest activities of daily living to outsource.

If you move to an apartment or condo, or even a small one floor house where you can renovate the bathroom to be handicapped accessible, it could allow you to live independently for a lot longer.

Install a bidet and grab bars to assist with toileting, and put in a step-free shower (wheelchair accessible if needed) with lots of handrails as well. The longer you can manage bathroom independence) or make it easier for a spouse or home health aide to help you, the longer you can stay in your home if that is what you want.

There are lots of gadgets and devices that can help now with medication management for someone who is still able to eat and swallow pills normally, just needs help organizing what to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I answered earlier but I’m also going to add my observation that for many of us, our parents never had to deal with what we are facing. Neither of my parents had to do elder care. They all died fairly young, rather suddenly in their 60s and 70s. My parents were in theirs 30s/earky 40s at the time. My mom didn’t work. By contrast I (and many of my friends) are engaged in longer term caregiving , not living near parents, parenting kids/teens and in tow working parent families (or single working parent families). At 83, my mom fortunately agreed to move to AL near me, for which am deeply grateful, especially after her Alzheimer’s got worse.

People are living longer but not necessarily healthier lives, end of life care costs have spiraled, ltc coverage no longer worth it, it’s a real crisis.

This is... simply not true. Families have always cared for elderly relatives. Usually relatives lived with them. Maybe people died earlier in past generations, but they didn't all just drop dead, they declined before dying just like many do today.

My MIL, who died at age 100 a few years ago, cared for her FIL (along with her 4 kids) when he moved in with them for a year before his death. My mother, now 80, remembers her grandmother with dementia living with her family when she was in middle school, which means my grandmother cared for 7 kids plus her demented mother for a time.

Families have cared, but those end of life periods of extensive hands on care were very short. For example, not having diapers available meant that infections and bed sores got one real fast. I grew up in a third world country - once people became bed ridden, most of them didn’t last long.

This is what the people who romanticize the good old days are missing. In filial piety cultures at least among those I knew, they took in the elder often when the elder could still be a major contributor to the family system-cooking meal, helping with childcare. The phase when they could not help was not nearly as long as it is now. Among those who were not from a culture where the elder lived there and helped, they sometimes took in family, but often it was not for a prolonged period.

In our case on both sides we had elders where we were independent from an early age as kids, knew not to expect help raising our own kids and then even while they were perfectly capable of doing things, they wanted to be catered to and lost their marbles at boundaries. As they slowly lost their ability to be independent (in some cases) they insisted on aging in place and having the world revolve around them as they became more hostile, self-centered and entitled. For my husband and I our fathers were easier to help-grateful for the time with us. That makes a difference. It is the entitled, selfish, abusive nuts who drain the life out of you, barely raised you, rarely if ever helped you and are just stomping their feet demanding you upend your life for them.

My MIL would see the romanticize how much better the family was down the street. We were friends with the adult daughter and her husband. The grandma was a built in nanny, allowed them to travel without kids for both work and leisure, cooked amazing meals and cleaned the house without them asking or expecting it. That woman did more than paid live in help and they felt terrible, but she insisted. MIL could not fathom it was not everyone serving the grandma while she sits and watches soap operas and eats lobster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I answered earlier but I’m also going to add my observation that for many of us, our parents never had to deal with what we are facing. Neither of my parents had to do elder care. They all died fairly young, rather suddenly in their 60s and 70s. My parents were in theirs 30s/earky 40s at the time. My mom didn’t work. By contrast I (and many of my friends) are engaged in longer term caregiving , not living near parents, parenting kids/teens and in tow working parent families (or single working parent families). At 83, my mom fortunately agreed to move to AL near me, for which am deeply grateful, especially after her Alzheimer’s got worse.

People are living longer but not necessarily healthier lives, end of life care costs have spiraled, ltc coverage no longer worth it, it’s a real crisis.

This is... simply not true. Families have always cared for elderly relatives. Usually relatives lived with them. Maybe people died earlier in past generations, but they didn't all just drop dead, they declined before dying just like many do today.

My MIL, who died at age 100 a few years ago, cared for her FIL (along with her 4 kids) when he moved in with them for a year before his death. My mother, now 80, remembers her grandmother with dementia living with her family when she was in middle school, which means my grandmother cared for 7 kids plus her demented mother for a time.

People absolutely died earlier in past generations, there is no "maybe" about it. Treatments for cancer and infectious diseases have become MUCH more effective than in the past, and we know better how to prevent and treat cardiac issues. And even if they didn't all die suddenly, the declines were much faster.

Not that long ago, most women in the US didn't work outside the home, so there was more time to help. And people had children earlier, so there were more generational layers built in to provide assistance. This idea that every family had 15+ years of intensive caregiving for elders is false.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about you? What are your long term plans so that you won’t be a burden to your children, as you seem to complain about your elderly parent. Do you have a plan in place for a retirement community,downsizing,long term facility? We will all be old sooner or later, if lucky in health, or unlucky some might think.

Would you live in the same place that you want to send your parent and why so much anger/frustration that they want to age in place? I get it.

My parents (on their own) decided to move into a CCRC and into the Independent living area. They required our help for the "entrance fee" so they could qualify. We did it in a heartbeat! Being 3K miles away, it provides peace of mind. Happy they did it. At 83, they went to one car and at 84 decided to get rid of the last vehicle, all on their own. Happy they are in a place where they are happy, and well taken care of should they need it. Only extra costs (if/when they need more levels of care) is for the extra 2 meals per day---even if one parent can stay in IL and the other needs more advanced care, we will never pay extra.

I would happily stay where they are (if I lived nearby). But we are financially set, so we can afford whatever care we will want in our old age. Hope to stay at home until 75/80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a condo or rent an apartment when one level living is needed. Pay for cleaners and other help with tasks as needed.

Eventually, if this isn't enough, move to an assisted living that has varying level of support so both me and my spouse can be accommodated at the same place in the event that we have differing needs. This has worked well for older people that we know, and for their children.

Oh- also adding- that right now, the best thing I do is not accumulate junk. I clean our house out 2-3 times a year. Definitely not doing to my kids what my parents are doing to me and my siblings.

1000%

We have moved enough and have downsized already, so I happily clean out a few times per year. There wont be much crap for our kids to clean up