Has your kid had a rough freshman year?

[Anonymous]

The kids have to get OFF of their PHONES and out of their dorm rooms!! Study elsewhere. Get outside.

We had pretty strict phone/social media--no tik tok in HS. We used to monitor their time spent on it. They had to plug their iphones in the kitchen when they got home. No laptops or iphones allowed over night in their rooms. This allowed them to not become dependent or addicted.

To anyone with a kid not in college yet---help them get control of it now so that when they are on their own they aren't depressed, sitting in their dorm watching happy videos of other college kids on Insta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for these kids who had a critical time in high school marred by COVID. My dd is having a good, not great, college experience. She didn’t get into the sororities she wanted at a school with high Greek participation. Not the end of the world, but pretty impactful for a super social kid. She did join a service oriented coed fraternity. She belongs to pre med club.

Of her two best friends freshman year, one transferred and another was lost to an abusive romantic relationship (moved to a single when suite mates objected to problematic boyfriend always sleeping over and is now socially isolated with him). Third friend dropped out due to poor academic performance.

Despite all this, she has formed another core friend group and has been dating someone at school for over a year (she’s a sophomore). Going abroad in the fall and has an interesting summer experience planned. She is happy but it isn’t the college experience she had hoped for.

Your last sentence is accurate for my son’s experience.

Kids have a skewed idea about what college is like due to the fakeness of social media. We all know it can be lonely and hard the first year. My DD did not get into a top sorority and that was a huge blow. Popular, smart, kind and really pretty. Almost transferred. Stuck it out and is happy 2 years later. But still has a sadness about Greek life because 100% of her friends and roommates are in sororities. She says she has PTSD from rush and getting dropped on the last night.

Yes, I think my son sees his HS friends’ social media and a few of them are at big, Greek, football colleges and I’m sure the posts are showing great times. His college is not like that; he’s not complaining and is happy , but I think he’s a bit wistful.

[Anonymous]

DD at Yale. Really intelligent and went to a strong public but not as competitive as some schools, so struggled in two classes. There are some truly brilliant, genius-level classmates and that’s been hard. She’s always been surrounded by smart hard-workers so brilliance was a shock, especially because these are kids who seem to have it all and have brilliance in another area, too, like a sport or playing in YSO. She feels the difference in free time between herself and classmates and that’s tough, because she does have to study and work to get so-so grades compared to the brilliant kids. She did learn not to follow their example and that they have time to party or socialize that she needs to use to study, and that that’s ok

Her experience with clubs and activities has been absolutely dismal so I don’t blame her for feeling a bit unmoored and lonely. Anything remotely connected to her previous interests or activities was too competitive and she was shut out from what she tried to join in the fall. She felt like she lost 3 months of socializing while trying for those activities and regrets that. Even intramurals were weirdly competitive in her residential college and controlled by guys and certain cliques.

She has a handful of friends, works out a lot, and got a job at the library. It’s not the buffet of opportunity she’s hoped for and I know that’s hard on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids definitely had some rough times.
I’m sorry it was like this for yours. The calls are really tough. I ended up visiting twice at those times.

I know you don’t need advice. Reading the parent FB page this year was pretty sad with a number of posts about miserable kids socially. It did make me wonder how many kids struggled socially in high school or were they super happy in high school and now experiencing what many people go through at some point. Some of the parents seemed like their kid had never struggled before.

Totally anecdotal, but it seems to me that a very high percentage of the unhappy kids had big friend groups and a very active social life in high school. Particularly if a kid was in the same school pyramid their whole life, they may not have had to make new friends since kindergarten. If they don’t click with their roommate or don’t make the team or get into the sorority they want, there may not be an obvious or easy path to the busy social life that they’re used to. The introverts don’t have very high expectations and just find one or two friends and expand their friend group slowly.

I would agree with this. My kid struggled her first semester, and we got plenty of those teary calls which were very very difficult for me as a parent. DD did have a really strong friend group in high school, so being away from them was a big change. DD had an idealized expectation of being besties with her roommate, but they didn't click at all. Roommate seemed to have zero interest in getting to know her. And then she didn't make the cut for an activity that she wanted.

Things seemed to click around Thanksgiving after she made some strong friends. Second semester went a lot better. Getting a therapist seemed to help. We also always picked up the phone and stayed on as long as she needed. College is a big transition, and it isn't smooth for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD at Yale. Really intelligent and went to a strong public but not as competitive as some schools, so struggled in two classes. There are some truly brilliant, genius-level classmates and that’s been hard. She’s always been surrounded by smart hard-workers so brilliance was a shock, especially because these are kids who seem to have it all and have brilliance in another area, too, like a sport or playing in YSO. She feels the difference in free time between herself and classmates and that’s tough, because she does have to study and work to get so-so grades compared to the brilliant kids. She did learn not to follow their example and that they have time to party or socialize that she needs to use to study, and that that’s ok

Her experience with clubs and activities has been absolutely dismal so I don’t blame her for feeling a bit unmoored and lonely. Anything remotely connected to her previous interests or activities was too competitive and she was shut out from what she tried to join in the fall. She felt like she lost 3 months of socializing while trying for those activities and regrets that. Even intramurals were weirdly competitive in her residential college and controlled by guys and certain cliques.

She has a handful of friends, works out a lot, and got a job at the library. It’s not the buffet of opportunity she’s hoped for and I know that’s hard on her.

I went to Yale, albeit a while ago but this resonates. It can be a hard transition first year. I went through it and so did my counselees (I was a freshman counselor). I hope she will keep looking for her people. I eventually found mine after cycling through several clubs/activities that were not a fit, and it was in a surprising place. I am sincerely sorry to hear that the clubs are competitive nowadays; that seems to be different from my time. As for intramurals, the residential colleges play against each other, and there are always a couple that get really, really into it (others didn't care at all). But at least in my day, there were some women only teams, so those would not be controlled by guys.

As for the brilliant classmates, well yeah, that's Yale for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD at Yale. Really intelligent and went to a strong public but not as competitive as some schools, so struggled in two classes. There are some truly brilliant, genius-level classmates and that’s been hard. She’s always been surrounded by smart hard-workers so brilliance was a shock, especially because these are kids who seem to have it all and have brilliance in another area, too, like a sport or playing in YSO. She feels the difference in free time between herself and classmates and that’s tough, because she does have to study and work to get so-so grades compared to the brilliant kids. She did learn not to follow their example and that they have time to party or socialize that she needs to use to study, and that that’s ok

Her experience with clubs and activities has been absolutely dismal so I don’t blame her for feeling a bit unmoored and lonely. Anything remotely connected to her previous interests or activities was too competitive and she was shut out from what she tried to join in the fall. She felt like she lost 3 months of socializing while trying for those activities and regrets that. Even intramurals were weirdly competitive in her residential college and controlled by guys and certain cliques.

She has a handful of friends, works out a lot, and got a job at the library. It’s not the buffet of opportunity she’s hoped for and I know that’s hard on her.

I went to Yale, albeit a while ago but this resonates. It can be a hard transition first year. I went through it and so did my counselees (I was a freshman counselor). I hope she will keep looking for her people. I eventually found mine after cycling through several clubs/activities that were not a fit, and it was in a surprising place. I am sincerely sorry to hear that the clubs are competitive nowadays; that seems to be different from my time. As for intramurals, the residential colleges play against each other, and there are always a couple that get really, really into it (others didn't care at all). But at least in my day, there were some women only teams, so those would not be controlled by guys.

As for the brilliant classmates, well yeah, that's Yale for you!

Thanks for this! Yes, her college is quite competitive and the teams seem run by a small group. It sounds like the majority or all of teams are co-ed with minimum requirements for female participation, so that’s affected the ability to actually get to play for her.

I think her struggle is that the good friends she’s made have all been accepted into clubs/activities. Apparently there are certain nights when all of the athletes and all of the YDN people and all of the whatever people are off doing their thing and places like the dining hall become pretty motley assortments of people (who she’s trying to befriend). That’s part of why she took the library job, because it started to feel like she needed a weeknight place to go that wasn’t watching boys play video games in a suite or going drinking.

She’s trying to get involved in more one-off things like going to visiting speakers and helping arrange residential college events. It is a hard transition from the level of engagement and satisfaction she got from her HS activities.

She was recruited for her sport at other schools and would have been a walk-on in it at Yale in 3-4 years ago, but they have brought in a lot of strong international athletes in her sport to fill in post-covid era gaps in classes so there wasn’t a path forward for her there. I know that’s haunting her a bit.

[Anonymous]

Mine did. Same distraught phone calls, then struggling academically. Came home at the end of the year and enrolled in summer classes at the local community college to make up some credits. Had a much better experience and stayed there for the fall and spring. May finish associates and then reassess where to finish out the bachelors. It was disappointing but she's now it such a better place mentally and emotionally, so right choice overall.

[Anonymous]

Oh man all of this is hard to read as the parent of a graduating hs senior heading off to college soon, but mostly it takes me back to my own first year at a SLAC where I was really unhappy the whole first semester. I doubled down on my running, which was glorious in the rural setting where I was, and powered through. I eventually made friends and it all came together. Tell them to hang in there; it’s not unusual and most often works out.

[Anonymous]

The eating alone has been my kid’s experience too and seems to be very typical at his school (many kids grabbing to-go boxes in the cafeteria). A big change from my college days when it was very unusual to eat by yourself if you went to meals at typical mealtimes. It is lonely and doesn’t help with social cohesion.

[Anonymous]

I have twins at different colleges.

Twin A - No problems. Adjusted great and has a good friend group.

Twin B - Yes, she's had a harder first year. She's in a quad with 3 others who never stay most weekends. One girl is a local who goes home every weekend, another girl leaves most weekends to visit her bf at another college, and the 3rd girl joined a sorority so most of her time is spent doing required activities with them. She's tried to make friends with others on her floor and she's been somewhat successful, but they tend to do things in their quad groups and forget about inviting others. I encouraged her to join clubs to make friends, which is what she focused on for Spring semester, so things have gotten better. She now at least has 1 close friend and 2 good friends. The talk of "maybe I should transfer to where Twin A goes to school" have stopped.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say thank you to all the parents sharing their kids' experiences. It's easy as the parent of high schoolers to see certain colleges up on pedestals and think "well everyone there must be happy". I guess it's obvious that the reality is more nuanced. After months (years!) of seeing happy faces on mailers and promo videos and whatnot, I really appreciate all of you who are being real here, and hope that things improve for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD at Yale. Really intelligent and went to a strong public but not as competitive as some schools, so struggled in two classes. There are some truly brilliant, genius-level classmates and that’s been hard. She’s always been surrounded by smart hard-workers so brilliance was a shock, especially because these are kids who seem to have it all and have brilliance in another area, too, like a sport or playing in YSO. She feels the difference in free time between herself and classmates and that’s tough, because she does have to study and work to get so-so grades compared to the brilliant kids. She did learn not to follow their example and that they have time to party or socialize that she needs to use to study, and that that’s ok

Her experience with clubs and activities has been absolutely dismal so I don’t blame her for feeling a bit unmoored and lonely. Anything remotely connected to her previous interests or activities was too competitive and she was shut out from what she tried to join in the fall. She felt like she lost 3 months of socializing while trying for those activities and regrets that. Even intramurals were weirdly competitive in her residential college and controlled by guys and certain cliques.

She has a handful of friends, works out a lot, and got a job at the library. It’s not the buffet of opportunity she’s hoped for and I know that’s hard on her.

sorry to hear it's been a tough transition. i have a Yalie graduating in a few weeks and remember well the intensity of first year. Is your dd interested in outdoorsy things? The Rock Climbing Team and Yale Outdoors are AWESOME, so kind and inclusive, and open any and all who are interested. Those groups pretty central to my dd's social experience and all the kids I met were so nice. She also started rock climbing with zero experience but learned a lot at the gym practice nights and then went on some climbing trips over school breaks which were always blast. hope she continues to find her way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD at Yale. Really intelligent and went to a strong public but not as competitive as some schools, so struggled in two classes. There are some truly brilliant, genius-level classmates and that’s been hard. She’s always been surrounded by smart hard-workers so brilliance was a shock, especially because these are kids who seem to have it all and have brilliance in another area, too, like a sport or playing in YSO. She feels the difference in free time between herself and classmates and that’s tough, because she does have to study and work to get so-so grades compared to the brilliant kids. She did learn not to follow their example and that they have time to party or socialize that she needs to use to study, and that that’s ok

Her experience with clubs and activities has been absolutely dismal so I don’t blame her for feeling a bit unmoored and lonely. Anything remotely connected to her previous interests or activities was too competitive and she was shut out from what she tried to join in the fall. She felt like she lost 3 months of socializing while trying for those activities and regrets that. Even intramurals were weirdly competitive in her residential college and controlled by guys and certain cliques.

She has a handful of friends, works out a lot, and got a job at the library. It’s not the buffet of opportunity she’s hoped for and I know that’s hard on her.

sorry to hear it's been a tough transition. i have a Yalie graduating in a few weeks and remember well the intensity of first year. Is your dd interested in outdoorsy things? The Rock Climbing Team and Yale Outdoors are AWESOME, so kind and inclusive, and open any and all who are interested. Those groups pretty central to my dd's social experience and all the kids I met were so nice. She also started rock climbing with zero experience but learned a lot at the gym practice nights and then went on some climbing trips over school breaks which were always blast. hope she continues to find her way!

PP from above - one more idea for her for next year - Yale Farm! This is really the best place of all on campus, they have workdays on Friday afternoons followed by pizza in the woodfire ovens and music performance, talks etc. It is really one of the happiest, kindest places I"ve ever been and so many students show up on Fridays in the fall and spring. if you have instagram check out "yale sustainable food program" and you'll get a sense of the vibe up there.

[Anonymous]

I was worried about my introverted DD who always struggled to make friends. But her college has Welcome Week for the freshman with tons of activities that are NOT optional. It's designed for students to get to know others in their dorm. It includes upperclassmen who show each student where their classes are, so they are not lost on campus. Each floor has groups that meet for dinner that crucial first week, so nobody eats alone. After dinner there's bowling parties, mixers, and other events designed to get kids out of the dorm and meeting others. The first week on campus there's a ton of ambassadors in bright green tee shirts - you can stop them if you are lost or need help in anyway.

She was still shy and introverted, but she participated in everything and found a small but kind and supportive friend group.

[Anonymous]

Two years ago, it was a bumpy road but she righted her self by the end of the school year. She is a D1 athlete school (non-revenue sport). It was a major adjustment for her, as everyone had similar talents. Eventually, she became a starter but there was some drama around this as she displaced a senior. She also felt the need to rush a sorority, even though her closest friends were not doing so. This caused her lots of angst. She called us up one day very upset. She was very unhappy.

At the end of the day, she recognized that she was not being herself. She had these preconceived notions of what one should do in college, even though some of them don't align to who she is as an individual. She was never a follower and always more comfortable with a small group of friends. She dropped out, which I guess pissed off some members of the sorority.

By the end of the year, she was in a great place and looking forward to her sophomore year. She still lives with her freshman roommate.