Has your kid had a rough freshman year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you said you were not looking for advice but…she should consider playing club next year. The sports clubs at large schools are like playing d3 including travel and opportunity for national tournaments. Would she consider rush? Many girls we knew had a better time once in a sorority or some kind of group. Yes I have heard of other kids struggling. Parents don’t post the unhappy stuff on the gram. I use the summer for a reset including a conversation if your child wants to transfer. Good luck!!

It sounds like her dd DID try club and didn't make it. At large state schools, it's almost impossible to get into many sports, clubs, and greek life. It's often knowing an upperclassman. Even the rec sports- you need to join with an already established group of friends! BTDT. My dd transferred middle of sophomore year after experiencing the same at a large state school.

[Anonymous]

First semester was good, then second not so good - fell in with a group of friends who had different priorities and took up time and money. Looking forward to summer away from their influence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD got off to a rough start this year and it hasn’t gotten much better. She is at a large state flagship (not DMV). Tried out for a sport in the fall but got cut at the final round, so she lost a lot of opportunity to connect with others outside the sport. Came back in the spring and is still struggling to find friends.

I have read and shared plenty of articles about what she should do. I don’t need advice. I just need to know I am not alone and that next year will be better. I hate getting phone calls with her sobbing every couple weeks.

DD called sobbing the day before we picked her up from freshman year, among other times. Sophomore year she roared back, had an amazing time, and still went abroad 2nd semester sophomore year missing her new friends, and then 2 of them joined her abroad during spring break.

It can get better!

[Anonymous]

My freshman DS has so many male friends that did not go back second semester for a variety of reasons--depression, grades, girlfriends. I did not expect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you said you were not looking for advice but…she should consider playing club next year. The sports clubs at large schools are like playing d3 including travel and opportunity for national tournaments. Would she consider rush? Many girls we knew had a better time once in a sorority or some kind of group. Yes I have heard of other kids struggling. Parents don’t post the unhappy stuff on the gram. I use the summer for a reset including a conversation if your child wants to transfer. Good luck!!

Her DD didn’t make the team. Making club teams in college is hard and they cut a ton of kids that were top of their high school teams. Everything about college is competitive these days. Good luck making it into a top business club or sorority/fraternity. It is brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC has struggled this 1st year at Brown. Lots of competitive class mates, strong drug use and cliquey behavior in dorm has impeded making god friendships. DC has been pretty miserable. I've tried to be supportive from afar but DC is so sad and lonely.

DC is not a greek life person so that's a non-starter but did join a few clubs and has been trying to connect to no avail. The competitive social and academic vibe is not what DC expected of Brown.

100% - Brown is the Vanderbilt of New England in this regard

Wow. I had no idea. Really??

[Anonymous]

Best wishes to all the parents and kids on this thread. I appreciate the honesty. Things are really rough out there and are kids are in an environment that most of us could not have imagined 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you said you were not looking for advice but…she should consider playing club next year. The sports clubs at large schools are like playing d3 including travel and opportunity for national tournaments. Would she consider rush? Many girls we knew had a better time once in a sorority or some kind of group. Yes I have heard of other kids struggling. Parents don’t post the unhappy stuff on the gram. I use the summer for a reset including a conversation if your child wants to transfer. Good luck!!

Her DD didn’t make the team. Making club teams in college is hard and they cut a ton of kids that were top of their high school teams. Everything about college is competitive these days. Good luck making it into a top business club or sorority/fraternity. It is brutal.

Yes! My kid is on a year-round club team at an Ivy--and is only 1 of 2 Freshmen that made it. He and the other kid did have college offers from D3 and lower D1 schools. They also have a lot of kids on the team that were former Varsity players (college coach is a major d*k) so a lot of them dropped down to the Club team. They traveled all up and down the east coast. I didn't realize how much time/travel it was. I can't imagine at a really large school how difficult it would be to make it as a Freshmen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. My DD struggled her first year too. She didn't really connect with a few friends until late in 2nd semester. But they kept in touch over the summer, so a school activity together, and she got off to a much better start in 2nd year. She also has ADHD and resisted using student support services the first year but we made it a requirement for 2nd year and she's found it really helped.

PP, may I ask what services your DD found helpful? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best wishes to all the parents and kids on this thread. I appreciate the honesty. Things are really rough out there and are kids are in an environment that most of us could not have imagined 30 years ago.

Agree. And we all thought once they got in, got settled, the hard part was over.
Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you said you were not looking for advice but…she should consider playing club next year. The sports clubs at large schools are like playing d3 including travel and opportunity for national tournaments. Would she consider rush? Many girls we knew had a better time once in a sorority or some kind of group. Yes I have heard of other kids struggling. Parents don’t post the unhappy stuff on the gram. I use the summer for a reset including a conversation if your child wants to transfer. Good luck!!

Her DD didn’t make the team. Making club teams in college is hard and they cut a ton of kids that were top of their high school teams. Everything about college is competitive these days. Good luck making it into a top business club or sorority/fraternity. It is brutal.

Yes! My kid is on a year-round club team at an Ivy--and is only 1 of 2 Freshmen that made it. He and the other kid did have college offers from D3 and lower D1 schools. They also have a lot of kids on the team that were former Varsity players (college coach is a major d*k) so a lot of them dropped down to the Club team. They traveled all up and down the east coast. I didn't realize how much time/travel it was. I can't imagine at a really large school how difficult it would be to make it as a Freshmen!

+1 club teams are very competitive nowadays. Schools have intramurals for those that don't make club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best wishes to all the parents and kids on this thread. I appreciate the honesty. Things are really rough out there and are kids are in an environment that most of us could not have imagined 30 years ago.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids definitely had some rough times.
I’m sorry it was like this for yours. The calls are really tough. I ended up visiting twice at those times.

I know you don’t need advice. Reading the parent FB page this year was pretty sad with a number of posts about miserable kids socially. It did make me wonder how many kids struggled socially in high school or were they super happy in high school and now experiencing what many people go through at some point. Some of the parents seemed like their kid had never struggled before.

Totally anecdotal, but it seems to me that a very high percentage of the unhappy kids had big friend groups and a very active social life in high school. Particularly if a kid was in the same school pyramid their whole life, they may not have had to make new friends since kindergarten. If they don’t click with their roommate or don’t make the team or get into the sorority they want, there may not be an obvious or easy path to the busy social life that they’re used to. The introverts don’t have very high expectations and just find one or two friends and expand their friend group slowly.

My thoughts also. My son has an amazing tight knit group of friends; core group have been friends since kindergarten. Small HS, never had that uncomfortable feeling of having to make new friends. He is so social at home, not so much at college. Hoping things change next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids definitely had some rough times.
I’m sorry it was like this for yours. The calls are really tough. I ended up visiting twice at those times.

I know you don’t need advice. Reading the parent FB page this year was pretty sad with a number of posts about miserable kids socially. It did make me wonder how many kids struggled socially in high school or were they super happy in high school and now experiencing what many people go through at some point. Some of the parents seemed like their kid had never struggled before.

Totally anecdotal, but it seems to me that a very high percentage of the unhappy kids had big friend groups and a very active social life in high school. Particularly if a kid was in the same school pyramid their whole life, they may not have had to make new friends since kindergarten. If they don’t click with their roommate or don’t make the team or get into the sorority they want, there may not be an obvious or easy path to the busy social life that they’re used to. The introverts don’t have very high expectations and just find one or two friends and expand their friend group slowly.

My thoughts also. My son has an amazing tight knit group of friends; core group have been friends since kindergarten. Small HS, never had that uncomfortable feeling of having to make new friends. He is so social at home, not so much at college. Hoping things change next year.

+1 my kid is at a school mentioned. He attended a new private HS, so started over. He was on so many different club teams, camps where he knew nobody prior. He was used to having to start from scratch, meet people. He got involved right away. Made a club team, joined a club, reached out/formed a lot of friends that first week- just training at the field on his own he met some future club team members. He had different friend groups at home- old friends, friends from new HS, club team, etc. I think he also was never into status-popularity, always did what he wanted. I was amazed at so many opportunities he went out and grabbed and the relationships he already made with professors. He even set up study abroad for Fall of sophomore year and even joined a team outside of the school- different state.

Before he left We told him to get outside of his dorm room as much as possible- which he did. He also hit the roommate jackpot - great kid. He has a really good group of supportive friends- not drinkers/drugs—work out together, play poker, pick up, etc.

Best of luck to everyone! I hope sophomore year gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids definitely had some rough times.
I’m sorry it was like this for yours. The calls are really tough. I ended up visiting twice at those times.

I know you don’t need advice. Reading the parent FB page this year was pretty sad with a number of posts about miserable kids socially. It did make me wonder how many kids struggled socially in high school or were they super happy in high school and now experiencing what many people go through at some point. Some of the parents seemed like their kid had never struggled before.

Totally anecdotal, but it seems to me that a very high percentage of the unhappy kids had big friend groups and a very active social life in high school. Particularly if a kid was in the same school pyramid their whole life, they may not have had to make new friends since kindergarten. If they don’t click with their roommate or don’t make the team or get into the sorority they want, there may not be an obvious or easy path to the busy social life that they’re used to. The introverts don’t have very high expectations and just find one or two friends and expand their friend group slowly.

I also see elements of this in our DC1's cohort (who are now Freshman/1st Yr in college). Many had a rough go of it coming into HS with school closures.

I've also been reflecting on the bolded -- as I watch the boundary review in FCPS from afar. We're not in DMV and the nature of our mid-sized public school Division is quite different. Lopsided split feeders (anything outside of 60/40 or more equal) from MS to HS is undesired but, otherwise, almost every single MS is a split feeder. And every HS has a "center" or "academy" (that is application-based) so there's a LOT of mixing at the HS level. On the whole, I think that's been better all-around. Both our DCs were easily able to shed toxic or just mismatched ES/MS relationships and were able to keep the ones they really wanted, esp if reciprocated.

But hang in there OP. Encourage your DC to ponder when they return for the Summer. Return, transfer, take-a-break/work should all be on the table. Although the grass isn't always greener elsewhere, sometimes it's just as important to know what you don't want....and you often won't figure that out until you've tried it.