Has your kid had a rough freshman year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for these kids who had a critical time in high school marred by COVID. My dd is having a good, not great, college experience. She didn’t get into the sororities she wanted at a school with high Greek participation. Not the end of the world, but pretty impactful for a super social kid. She did join a service oriented coed fraternity. She belongs to pre med club.

Of her two best friends freshman year, one transferred and another was lost to an abusive romantic relationship (moved to a single when suite mates objected to problematic boyfriend always sleeping over and is now socially isolated with him). Third friend dropped out due to poor academic performance.

Despite all this, she has formed another core friend group and has been dating someone at school for over a year (she’s a sophomore). Going abroad in the fall and has an interesting summer experience planned. She is happy but it isn’t the college experience she had hoped for.

Your last sentence is accurate for my son’s experience.

Kids have a skewed idea about what college is like due to the fakeness of social media. We all know it can be lonely and hard the first year. My DD did not get into a top sorority and that was a huge blow. Popular, smart, kind and really pretty. Almost transferred. Stuck it out and is happy 2 years later. But still has a sadness about Greek life because 100% of her friends and roommates are in sororities. She says she has PTSD from rush and getting dropped on the last night.

This. I really emphasized with my kids that it's normal for freshman year to be hard. They've known my college BFF since they were little and I let them know we didn't even meet until junior year. It takes time, effort, patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for these kids who had a critical time in high school marred by COVID. My dd is having a good, not great, college experience. She didn’t get into the sororities she wanted at a school with high Greek participation. Not the end of the world, but pretty impactful for a super social kid. She did join a service oriented coed fraternity. She belongs to pre med club.

Of her two best friends freshman year, one transferred and another was lost to an abusive romantic relationship (moved to a single when suite mates objected to problematic boyfriend always sleeping over and is now socially isolated with him). Third friend dropped out due to poor academic performance.

Despite all this, she has formed another core friend group and has been dating someone at school for over a year (she’s a sophomore). Going abroad in the fall and has an interesting summer experience planned. She is happy but it isn’t the college experience she had hoped for.

Your last sentence is accurate for my son’s experience.

Kids have a skewed idea about what college is like due to the fakeness of social media. We all know it can be lonely and hard the first year. My DD did not get into a top sorority and that was a huge blow. Popular, smart, kind and really pretty. Almost transferred. Stuck it out and is happy 2 years later. But still has a sadness about Greek life because 100% of her friends and roommates are in sororities. She says she has PTSD from rush and getting dropped on the last night.

This. I really emphasized with my kids that it's normal for freshman year to be hard. They've known my college BFF since they were little and I let them know we didn't even meet until junior year. It takes time, effort, patience.

+1. There’s a lot of peer pressure amongst kids (and parents) to display or communicate that they’re having a magical college experience. Things like Instagram make it worse. That’s not the reality for most. It takes time, patience and effort. I loved my college experience but it took some time to find my people and activities. I warned my ‘24 kid that it’s not going to be all roses and that there will be adjustments. They seemed to enjoy their first year but they did have to deal with things like being rejected from student clubs, competitive nature of the students, etc.

[Anonymous]

My kid had a tough time at large public HS, never really finding his people. Has loved college, very social. I agree that maybe having things easy in HS socially may be jarring to some. I think my DC took his challenges from HS and went strategically into college knowing he needed to do things differently on the social front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for these kids who had a critical time in high school marred by COVID. My dd is having a good, not great, college experience. She didn’t get into the sororities she wanted at a school with high Greek participation. Not the end of the world, but pretty impactful for a super social kid. She did join a service oriented coed fraternity. She belongs to pre med club.

Of her two best friends freshman year, one transferred and another was lost to an abusive romantic relationship (moved to a single when suite mates objected to problematic boyfriend always sleeping over and is now socially isolated with him). Third friend dropped out due to poor academic performance.

Despite all this, she has formed another core friend group and has been dating someone at school for over a year (she’s a sophomore). Going abroad in the fall and has an interesting summer experience planned. She is happy but it isn’t the college experience she had hoped for.

Your last sentence is accurate for my son’s experience.

Kids have a skewed idea about what college is like due to the fakeness of social media. We all know it can be lonely and hard the first year. My DD did not get into a top sorority and that was a huge blow. Popular, smart, kind and really pretty. Almost transferred. Stuck it out and is happy 2 years later. But still has a sadness about Greek life because 100% of her friends and roommates are in sororities. She says she has PTSD from rush and getting dropped on the last night.

This. I really emphasized with my kids that it's normal for freshman year to be hard. They've known my college BFF since they were little and I let them know we didn't even meet until junior year. It takes time, effort, patience.

+1. There’s a lot of peer pressure amongst kids (and parents) to display or communicate that they’re having a magical college experience. Things like Instagram make it worse. That’s not the reality for most. It takes time, patience and effort. I loved my college experience but it took some time to find my people and activities. I warned my ‘24 kid that it’s not going to be all roses and that there will be adjustments. They seemed to enjoy their first year but they did have to deal with things like being rejected from student clubs, competitive nature of the students, etc.

This is where I am hoping my kids HS experience (uber competitive selective NY public) will pay off. He's used to the grind, he's used to having to apply to absolutely everything (there's a joke among the kids that you have to apply to use the bathroom), and he's already got a tough skin for rejections. But his stats and EC that probably would have gotten him into an Ivy in a less competitive area were a no-go coming from his high school, where kids regularly win multiple national awards and the average SAT is above 1500.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid had a tough time at large public HS, never really finding his people. Has loved college, very social. I agree that maybe having things easy in HS socially may be jarring to some. I think my DC took his challenges from HS and went strategically into college knowing he needed to do things differently on the social front.

Yes. I was the poster that wondered about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC has struggled this 1st year at Brown. Lots of competitive class mates, strong drug use and cliquey behavior in dorm has impeded making god friendships. DC has been pretty miserable. I've tried to be supportive from afar but DC is so sad and lonely.

DC is not a greek life person so that's a non-starter but did join a few clubs and has been trying to connect to no avail. The competitive social and academic vibe is not what DC expected of Brown.

Np. I’m sorry to hear that. I thought brown was supposed to be the chill Ivy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say thank you to all the parents sharing their kids' experiences. It's easy as the parent of high schoolers to see certain colleges up on pedestals and think "well everyone there must be happy". I guess it's obvious that the reality is more nuanced. After months (years!) of seeing happy faces on mailers and promo videos and whatnot, I really appreciate all of you who are being real here, and hope that things improve for your kids.

+1

This is super helpful for me to keep in mind when DC starts school. There’s so much growth that first year - tons of challenges and disappointments, as well as good times, too. Nothing is as one-dimensional as it seems on social media.

BTW, I do think most kids finish college happy with their school and their overall experience. But it’s a rare kid who doesn’t struggle in one way or another their first year. I’ve heard it from all of my friends, including those whose kids went to their first-choice school. So many ups and downs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid had a tough time at large public HS, never really finding his people. Has loved college, very social. I agree that maybe having things easy in HS socially may be jarring to some. I think my DC took his challenges from HS and went strategically into college knowing he needed to do things differently on the social front.

Yes. I was the poster that wondered about this.

I was that kid. The social side of my freshman year in college was an absolute revelation - so many people I easily connected with and enjoyed getting to know, in contrast to my high school experience!

But … it caused big challenges for me on the academic side freshman year. Turns out I had a lot to learn about time management and discipline once I had a thriving social life to balance in addition to classes and activities.

College is new for everyone. There will always be rough spots as kids transition to a new environment and lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

We have twins with very different results.

DS1 is at Yale and struggling hard. School work has been fine and academically he is excelling, but socially it has been a massive struggle and he says he really doesn’t relate to his peers at all. He also finds the club scene horrid and is refusing to join next semester- though we are encouraging him.

DS2 is at Pomona and has had a great time. He found a strong group of friends during orientation and they’re all doing pretty well from what he says. The hardest transition has been academics- I think he believed going to a liberal arts college would be a chill experience and he spends almost every waking minute working hard. Campus politics were an issue for a bit, but everything has simmered down.

The distance has been a struggle for both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard for these kids who had a critical time in high school marred by COVID. My dd is having a good, not great, college experience. She didn’t get into the sororities she wanted at a school with high Greek participation. Not the end of the world, but pretty impactful for a super social kid. She did join a service oriented coed fraternity. She belongs to pre med club.

Of her two best friends freshman year, one transferred and another was lost to an abusive romantic relationship (moved to a single when suite mates objected to problematic boyfriend always sleeping over and is now socially isolated with him). Third friend dropped out due to poor academic performance.

Despite all this, she has formed another core friend group and has been dating someone at school for over a year (she’s a sophomore). Going abroad in the fall and has an interesting summer experience planned. She is happy but it isn’t the college experience she had hoped for.

Your last sentence is accurate for my son’s experience.

Kids have a skewed idea about what college is like due to the fakeness of social media. We all know it can be lonely and hard the first year. My DD did not get into a top sorority and that was a huge blow. Popular, smart, kind and really pretty. Almost transferred. Stuck it out and is happy 2 years later. But still has a sadness about Greek life because 100% of her friends and roommates are in sororities. She says she has PTSD from rush and getting dropped on the last night.

This. I really emphasized with my kids that it's normal for freshman year to be hard. They've known my college BFF since they were little and I let them know we didn't even meet until junior year. It takes time, effort, patience.

+1. There’s a lot of peer pressure amongst kids (and parents) to display or communicate that they’re having a magical college experience. Things like Instagram make it worse. That’s not the reality for most. It takes time, patience and effort. I loved my college experience but it took some time to find my people and activities. I warned my ‘24 kid that it’s not going to be all roses and that there will be adjustments. They seemed to enjoy their first year but they did have to deal with things like being rejected from student clubs, competitive nature of the students, etc.

This is where I am hoping my kids HS experience (uber competitive selective NY public) will pay off. He's used to the grind, he's used to having to apply to absolutely everything (there's a joke among the kids that you have to apply to use the bathroom), and he's already got a tough skin for rejections. But his stats and EC that probably would have gotten him into an Ivy in a less competitive area were a no-go coming from his high school, where kids regularly win multiple national awards and the average SAT is above 1500.

This really depends on major. If in a hard science, especially leaning towards Mathematics or Physics, you will get steamrolled no matter what background. There are very few students who leave a physics program feeling they were fully prepared for the challenge ahead, and there's a bit of sacrifice made from the experience. But, if in a humanities or social science major, likely they will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say thank you to all the parents sharing their kids' experiences. It's easy as the parent of high schoolers to see certain colleges up on pedestals and think "well everyone there must be happy". I guess it's obvious that the reality is more nuanced. After months (years!) of seeing happy faces on mailers and promo videos and whatnot, I really appreciate all of you who are being real here, and hope that things improve for your kids.

+1

This is super helpful for me to keep in mind when DC starts school. There’s so much growth that first year - tons of challenges and disappointments, as well as good times, too. Nothing is as one-dimensional as it seems on social media.

BTW, I do think most kids finish college happy with their school and their overall experience. But it’s a rare kid who doesn’t struggle in one way or another their first year. I’ve heard it from all of my friends, including those whose kids went to their first-choice school. So many ups and downs!

+1 at DDs lowest point in Feb of freshman year, we went to visit her for encouragement and to feel out just how bad it was. As homesick as she was feeling and discouraged about not making much progress in friendships, she was still confident her school was the right place. She wasn't interested in discussing transfers. It was encouraging to me that even though it was hard she could still see the positives. A month later she was doing a lot better

Tip - be prepared for the post-winter-break slump. It's pretty common for first year students.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to share an EXCELLENT video with you, which would probably be a comfort to you and your daughter. Unfortunately, it seems to have been taken down from YouTube.

Here is an article the student wrote:

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear. My son had a rough time. I think for most kids it does get better, it just takes a long time to meet other kids and connect with them. I have heard lots of stories of rough freshman years that turn around once the kid meets just one or two friends.

FWIW for mine it didn't get better and he took a leave of absence and is considering a transfer. Even though that's not the outcome I hoped for when he started college it is fine, he is finding his way and knows a lot more himself and what he wants to get from college. There are many paths.

Same for my DC. They decided very late in the year that they didn't want to go back, took a leave of absence and applied out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was worried about my introverted DD who always struggled to make friends. But her college has Welcome Week for the freshman with tons of activities that are NOT optional. It's designed for students to get to know others in their dorm. It includes upperclassmen who show each student where their classes are, so they are not lost on campus. Each floor has groups that meet for dinner that crucial first week, so nobody eats alone. After dinner there's bowling parties, mixers, and other events designed to get kids out of the dorm and meeting others. The first week on campus there's a ton of ambassadors in bright green tee shirts - you can stop them if you are lost or need help in anyway.

She was still shy and introverted, but she participated in everything and found a small but kind and supportive friend group.

This sounds like W&M. The mandatory orientation activities with dorm-mates made a huge difference for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have twins with very different results.

DS1 is at Yale and struggling hard. School work has been fine and academically he is excelling, but socially it has been a massive struggle and he says he really doesn’t relate to his peers at all. He also finds the club scene horrid and is refusing to join next semester- though we are encouraging him.

DS2 is at Pomona and has had a great time. He found a strong group of friends during orientation and they’re all doing pretty well from what he says. The hardest transition has been academics- I think he believed going to a liberal arts college would be a chill experience and he spends almost every waking minute working hard. Campus politics were an issue for a bit, but everything has simmered down.

The distance has been a struggle for both.

Twins are always so interesting to watch across age